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  1. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by Eko View Post
    Give him some time. He admitted himself that it was a kick up the bum that he probably needed. Some men really DO need a boot to the behind to get things moving and that's not necassarily a sign that they don't want to marry you.

    It could just be a simple case of the "what if's" that get in the way. Some people (men and women!) have problems with exactly that. So don't stress about it for now.
    If it were me, I'd give him the ring back and say "I love you and I do want to marry you, but I want to know that it was your choice. I'm giving you the chance to make that choice so that I know that it's not because of the argument we had".

    Good luck
    Bloody hell, really? She's wanted him to propose for ages. Shes brought it up numerous times, blown up about it. So he plans a LOVELY proposal. To which she says no. So he asks again. And she says no AGAIN.

    Then she says yes on the way home. And now you reckon she should hand the ring back and say no again?!

    OP its not a game. You wanted him to marry you. He wants to marry you. Ok so maybe it didn't come about in an ideal way but he planned a proposal. You've got what you want.

    Accept it for what it is or let it go and cut the bloke some slack.

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  3. #12
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    My mum often says to me how she can't understand this "tradition" that has evolved where the female in a relationship waits for her partner to propose to her. She says that in her day (the 70s), you just started planning a wedding, there was no "fairytale proposal" thing.

    I do think it's an unrealistic expectation that every single man is going to be all romantic and "pop the question" in an exciting and unique way when the female least expects it. Some men are like that, some aren't. Some women like that, some don't. I think you have gotten a bit swept up and are focussing on the least important part of getting engaged.

    I think it speaks volumes that when it hit home to him how important it was to you, he went out of his way to do it. Focus on that

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  5. #13
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    I feel for men. I've done it "I want you to do XYZ!" *he does xyz* "but you only did it because I told you to!"

    Honestly the ring on my finger came with no proposal, I accepted my Df would never propose - why bother ask a question when ive Loudly and frequently said i want it. Lol. I also know we will never have a big white wedding. But the ring to me says after 5 years he understood that I care more about getting married than he doesnt care about getting married, but that he cares more about me and my feelings in this instance than his own apathy.

    I really dont care if we get married me knowing he could live without A wedding - as far as hes concerned we are married. Its what i want and this is a partnership, we make compromises and we do things sometimes purely because making the other person happy gives us happiness.

  6. #14
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    headoverfeet is offline The truth will set you free, but first it will **** you off. -Gloria Steinem
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    I feel sorry for him too, poor guy was damed if he did and damed if he didn't! You said you gave him a year, did you mention it at all in that time? Because I could understand if you didn't and he still didnt' do it but if you kept harping on about it I am not surprised he didn't..

  7. #15
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    Woah.. Just checked in. Ok. He knew all along I would say no. So when I did I told him to ask me when it is his decision and he doesn't feel pushed into it. At which point he asked again. ThenI said ok I'll think about it. I needed to gauge his reason to that to see if he was serious. It appeared so. So I told him yes before we got home. It was maybe half hour or so later.

    I wanted him to ask me cos all through the relationship/courtship I have been the one doing the chasing. making first moves, asking him out, moving in with him etc.. I needed him to do the chasing for once IyKWIM

    I have to make a few decisions regarding my fertility and decide if I am willing to have an operation and risk not being able to have more kids and I really needed that reassurance now and not when the particular set of sequences fell into place like he said wanted to happen first. Which by the way may not happen for another few years if at all.

    I think I answered all the questions.

  8. #16
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    I understand why you feel the way you do. I feel like the whole of my adult life I have been waiting for someone to want to marry me. I wanted my ex to ask, because we had a daughter together I suppose, not because I really loved him and wanted to spend my life with him... but regardless, it was still something I wanted. Now I'm with DP and want him to propose. He's been my longest relationship thus far and I still think I'm going to have to wait a few more years before he says anything like that. Every now and then I have a mini-tantrum about it. Usually it's not really involving him, and I just go have a little sulk, and usually it's triggered when people younger than me, people without children, or people who have been with their partners a shorter amount of time are getting engaged. I selfishly start thinking, "but I deserve it more!" and go have a little cry.

    SO I understand how you felt when you were getting frustrated by it.

    That said, you nagged him into it, he obliged, then you turned him down. Twice. You know how you felt when he asked... like he wasn't really that into it and just doing it to perhaps keep you happy? Well, he may be feeling similarly about the way you said yes. You turned him down twice. Then he's all miserable. He's surely smart enough to realise that his misery was obvious... and that only then did you agree. Perhaps he's doubting your sincerity in accepting as well.

    In all honesty, I'm not sure what you can do to remedy the situation as it sounds like both of you are not going to look back on that day too fondly, because it's all a bunch of upsetting each other and obligation more than the overwhelming love I'm sure you'd both hoped it would be... but perhaps counselling is a good place to start.

    Or, perhaps, you could, not right away, but after the dust settles... take him out somewhere nice, and propose to him. Say that the first way was a bit awkward for everyone, and that you'd rather remember the proposal in a positive way, so decided to re-do it. I'd actually prefer to be giving this advice to him, but I think he's probably the more-hurt one at this point, and so I think it's probably best if you're the one to offer the white flag.

    Good luck.

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    Quote Originally Posted by headoverfeet View Post
    I feel sorry for him too, poor guy was damed if he did and damed if he didn't! You said you gave him a year, did you mention it at all in that time? Because I could understand if you didn't and he still didnt' do it but if you kept harping on about it I am not surprised he didn't..
    I didn't tell him about the 12 month thing. But a year ago we had a big d&m about it all where I told him why it was so important. He told me to back off a bit and he will do it when he was ray. So I didn't say a word until just over a week ago, it was during the tantrum I realised it was a year to the day when I happened to glance at the calendar and see a familiar date associated with last years talk. So I did try to be patient but it got the better of me.

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    I feel sorry for him that you said no lol But I completely understand where yor coming from. 9 years is a long time even if he didnt know marriage was important to you. My DP knows I want marriage but I know he isnt ready. We both want to make sure this is it before anything permanent happen, because thats what marriage is for us both. A life time together. I would be willing to wait 9 years for marriage but it would kill me on th inside.

    Im glad you changed your mind though, sounds like he really wants to make you happy

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    I don't really understand why a guy would be with someone for 9 years and not be ready for marriage? It's the same thing if you live together. When I look back on if me and my husband would still be together after 10 years of marriage 12 years together I know we would married or not . So if not meant so much to OP and she let him know a long time ago why was he so slack in asking until he really got pushed. OP I really would just arrange a night out together and have a good time and ask him back . You obviously love this man but you know I understand the romance thing , it's not being demanding its wanting for one moment in your life to truly feel wanted thats all . May not matter to men but it can mean alot to us.

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    I see both sides here. On one hand I totally get why you are angry that after 9 years and repeatedly bringing up the topic he doesn't ask. Now you feel like he's only proposed to placate you. I liken it to when I crack with DH that he never buys me flowers or does nice things for me, then he goes out and buys flowers. To me it doesn't count bc he's had to be prompted and the thing I want isn't the flowers really, it's that he's thinking about me.

    On the other hand, there's no way he could of won. if he didn't ask you, you'd be angry. He asked and you said no twice before saying yes. It sounds like he really does love you, he just doesn't see the need to get married.

    I think maybe you need to take a step back, take a deep breath and decide what you want. We can't change the past, only the present, so he can't take back that he hasn't asked you. He could only try to make up for it by asking you now.
    Last edited by delirium; 30-09-2012 at 15:51.


 

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