For people who have been to marriage Counselling, do you feel it helped and what goes on exactly?
DH and I have been together 13yrs realistically have a good marriage, lately just with life the way it is at the moment we have no time for each other, when we do get a minute we seem to be bickering the whole time. I feel like we don't ever solve anything so it always brings us to square one, he feels like we talk about things to much therefore over analysing things. (WTF!?!?)
After a big argument today, he spent his first nigh, in 13years, on the couch- his choice, I feel terrible but refuse to apologies because basically I feel it's all his fault.
although I could get a minute to talk to him now I feel like why should I have to be the grow up, when he is sulking like a child, but then I know this isn't helping I know I'm stubborn and like to push all the limits.
Anyway sorry about the ramble, the silent treatment we are giving each other has just got me feeling so sad. So I thought we should try marriage Counselling have been thinking it for a while, just to get us back on track communication wise. I mentioned it to a friend who laughed and said why in the world would you guys need that, so I don't know if I'm over reacting? As I don't even know what goes on at marriage counselling! I just feel we are not connecting lately.
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28-09-2012 13:38 #1
28-09-2012 13:51 #2
hi, perhaps the friends reaction is from outward appearances there is nothing wrong with the realationship , but you know the situation as it is. I dont know what happens with marriage counceling, but I know that poor communication often leads to broken marriages. Without pointing any blame, suggest to your husband that you think you both need some guidance. Perhaps you can start by looking for relationship books at the local library. Dont let things continue as they are because it can end badly. And sulking and walking away from the problem wont help either. marie.
28-09-2012 15:00 #3
Communication is so important and if you feel you need help then you should go to counseling. Depending on your and DH's character you could just sit down and talk it out if you're both willing to listen and open up (my DH would never actually listen to a counselor he's way too cocky
for that but he's very open and willing to talk and open up on one on one with me)
If you're bickering then definitely there's something underneath that needs to be sorted out... sometimes just reconnecting helps. Also the silent treatment doesn't help anyone... I uses to do it but I've stopped because it would make things worse. Oh and the 5 languages of love and the love dare are wonderful eye opening books!!
28-09-2012 17:03 #4
Thanks supergranny, your right things can't go on I need to step up and do something, things do always look different looking from the outside in.
Thanks caiomamma, I'll look into those books, problem is I do think he'll be to cocky thinking he can work it all out on his own so he probably won't want to see anyone, so the books are a good starting point.
So with the kids around we have stopped the silent treatment, and are just extra polite to each other so the kids don't catch on, but I just want to yell and cry and tell him that I'm sick of everything He has had a lot on and it's been a hard time for him, and he has tried to carry the burden all on his own, which he is doing very poorly as I have always been the one to lighten the load and help things along I don't know where this having to do it all on his own is coming from, it's making him a grumpy cocky know it all bas*tard and I'm over it!
He's having a mid life crisis in his 30's lol
28-09-2012 17:15 #5
We went to marriage counselling pretty early on in our marriage. We were just struggling with relating well to each other. We would just get grumpy with each other and I think the only time we were talking was to have a 'serious discussion' about something and then it dissolved into arguments. We also had very different ways of fighting - I like to yell & slam doors and dh likes to go away and shut the door.
We went to counseling for maybe 8 or 10 sessions together. It was really useful. Basically we explored our issues, gave us strategies to try and mostly got us talking and slowly reconnecting. I would say that although we attended those sessions over 4 months or so we weren't suddenly perfect at the end of those 4 months. I would say that we still took another 3 or so months after that to be what I would term 'good'.
That was so many years ago now and I still think it was super worth it. Best thing we ever did as a couple really. Why wouldn't you want a better relationship? It can't do any harm and it's a lot better than reading a book - you need to connect with each other and talking is needed.
28-09-2012 17:16 #6
Do it. It's eye opening.
Make sure you find someone you're both comfortable with though.
Can I also suggest buying and BOTH of you reading "The New Manhood" by Steve Bipulah. That book is amazing.
Marriage counselling can only help. And why wait till you can't stand looking at each other?
And yes, I've been. You only need a few sessions really, and then you're good
28-09-2012 17:26 #7
:-( sounds like a busy life got in the way of your marriage... Even if I'm angry with DH and he's crabby I will go and give him a kiss and a hug then his defenses go down and I can say: I didn't like what you said or I didn't mean what I said they way you took it or what ever... I hate being cranky.
28-09-2012 19:28 #8
XH and I went to counselling organised through Relationships Australia - it definitely gave us some practical techniques that really helped to improve our communication and helped us to work through some of the big issues we were having. However, that was a cr** relationship from the start really, the warning signs were there screaming at me after less than a year but I ignored it all and after 7 years, counselling and all, we called it quits. No amount of good communication can un-rot a rotten apple.
The past few months with DH and I have been like you - he's away for work at least 100 hours a week, we're about to move house closer to his work to help, but when we don't get to see each other we start to bicker. We've been able to talk about it and agree that it must be a good sign that when we spend lots of time together we get along great. We got to take a holiday 6 months ago and, after 7 years together, we're still like honeymooners when we get to spend every day and night together!
We've worked out that the problem when we don't get to see each other is those "little" conversations don't happen. So when you see each other you pretty much have a list of "must discuss" that you throw at each other - so we both just feel like all the other does is demand things when we see each other. It also tends to mean that what, when we spend lots of time together, is just a little thing snowballs into something big (in our mind) before we get to talk to each other.
We are really trying to make time to see each other without too much distraction - eg. lunch or a coffee away from anything that reminds either of us about work. We don't spend the date "discussing" anything like you would in counselling, but it gives us a chance to talk in general, and seems to be helping a lot!
29-09-2012 10:42 #9
Thanks ladies, think its becoming my only option and will have to tell DH I'm making an appointment for us. We put on a great "normal" routine for the kids, but DH has decided to sleep on the couch again, 2nd night now.
And it is so frustrating! Hate that he just sulks, but then he hates my door slamming and yelling!
It sucks when you know what you should be doing but pride gets in the way!
29-09-2012 12:07 #10
Your fighting style sounds like ours was. We've both calmed down now with the passage of time. Dh is much less likely to go away and sulk and I'm much less likely to slam doors . It can improve!
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