Background: I am a shift-worker, working 12 hour shifts, day afternoon and night, on a rotational basis. DH works Mon-Fri in a "regular" professional type job.
Last night I worked 3pm-3am. I was up by 7:30 with the kids (DD 3 and DS 11 months), straight to work, then home around 4am. I had previously discussed with DH the prospect of him going into work a little later than usual so that I could have a little bit more than 3 hours sleep. I discussed this with him verbally, and also sent him my shifts with notes regarding where I would require him to speak to his work about coming in late/working from home/leaving early. DH works in a "family friendly" flexible workplace, several of his friends at work do similar things for/with their families. He spoke to his boss when I returned to work, who indicated that it was OK that DH start late/finish late or start early/finish early to be of assistance to me.
As DH left for work yesterday, I asked him if he had spoken to his boss, found out he had not, and reminded him that he should. When I rang him from work last night, he told me that he had STILL NOT spoken to his boss about coming into work late. I pointed out that I needed sleep too, especially as I will be home with our youngest all day, and he mumbled something about how he "had to work".
At 4am I got home, got ready for bed and threw myself in there as fast as possible, figuring that DH would have be leave by 830-9 at the latest, giving me at least 4 hours sleep, which, as shiftworkers would understand, isbetter than nothing!
At nearly 7:30 this morning, DH decided sit in our front living room, TV on, directly outside our bedroom door, with both our kids. DD threw a massive tanty directly outside the door. DH just let her sit there and scream, for 10 minutes, until I called out. This of course meant that DD wanted to come and climb all over me, which DH also did nothing to prevent. He then came in and said "well you have to get out of bed now anyway, I cannot be late for work, I have to work you know, my boss doesn't know I am going to be late".
I got mad, as I am near delusional and on maybe 3 hours sleep in 24 hours. DH tells me that I need to "get over it" and "deal with it", while constantly insinuating that his job is more important than mine, which for some reason means that he should never have to compromise EVER. He told me that he couldn't do anything about DD screaming, and that I had to get up anyway so he could not see the issue with letting her tantrum directly outside the bedroom door. We ended up having a massive fight, so I am now teary, sleep deprived and MAD. Really mad.
I understand that he earns more than me (though I am hardly earning minimum wage myself, I earn decent $$ too). But the thing is, I did not want to work the rotating hours, I wanted to work set shifts. The reason I am not is because he did not want me to lose the generous loading that I get for working these shifts.
Sorry this is a bit of a novel, but do you think I am being unreasonable? Should I just cop it sweet and understand that I will never be allowed to sleep again? This has upset me to the point where I want to go and find somewhere else to sleep for a couple of nights, I am so angry (and sleep-deprived, lol).
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20-09-2012 07:58 #1
Do you think I am being unreasonable?
20-09-2012 08:05 #2has left the building
- Join Date
- Dec 2008
No, you are not being unreasonable at all. Your DH is being an absolute jerk, it is completely unreasonable/ridiculous that he expects you to function on basically no sleep.
20-09-2012 08:07 #3Senior Member
- Join Date
- Aug 2009
He is being an ********...I would call it passive aggressive.
He should be in another area of the house and taking care of the kids so that you can get that extra hour or so of sleep....as I assume you would do for him if the situation was reversed.
I think he is being as difficult as possible because he feels some how hard done by because he was asked to look after his own kids for an hour....which is rediculous.
I would wait till calm and sit down and talk about how you felt when he did not support you and what you hope the future can be like...ie keeping the kids away from the bedroom, reasonable quiet and be grateful you are working equally hard as he is to provide for your family.
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20-09-2012 08:15 #4
Not only were you reasonable but you can not continue like this. You will have accident. It is not acceptable for you to have to go to work and look after your kids on such little sleep. You will lose your job if you can't concentrate due to lack of sleep. How can you look after your properly if you can't keep your eyes open. It is dam crazy...
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20-09-2012 08:35 #5
I have only just returned to work 2 months ago, but you are right, I cannot go on like this. I really think I will have to sit down with DH and try and explain it all to him when I am calm and not in "crazy psycho no sleep" mode! I really think the extra money is not worth my misery.
DH is *usually* a pretty lovely guy, but he lacks a certain level of empathy and can behave like a downright stubborn 2 year old when he does not get what he wants. In some situations his stubborn streak is an asset. With matters like this, he usually only sees reason after many hours of reflection and a second opinion. Here's hoping the work mates can see my side!
20-09-2012 08:38 #6Senior Member
- Join Date
- Jul 2008
- Western QLD
Not unreasonable at all!! If he wants you to work these shifts for the better money, then he needs to compromise and help out too.
20-09-2012 09:06 #7
I actually think that's quite dangerous for you, and anyone your in care of. If he wants that money for the household than the household needs to make sacrifices. Why can't he get up at normal time in the morning, chuck the kids in the pram and take them for a walk until its time for him to go and you to get up. Two birds, one stone- allows you to sleep and gets him and the kids out into the sunshine. Other option for him is daycare for maybe every second day allowing you to use that time to sleep/catch up on housework etc etc
20-09-2012 09:13 #8
Omg, I would be furious. In fact, I am sitting here fuming on your behalf. You can't live on such little sleep. Not sustainable. It will damage you physically and mentally. Extreme lack of sleep is not something you can 'deal with'. Sleep is a physical necessity.
But I'm preaching to the choir here. Sit him down and tell him that you need sleep. Its not optional. If he wants you to keep shiftworking for the money, he needs to change his work hours to accommodate it (ie go in late). If he doesn't want to do that, then he must accept you will try to change your hours to a set non shift roster. And its not negotiable.
20-09-2012 09:20 #9
No way you are being unreasonable. Sorry but he sounds like a jerk. He has you working shift work bc he wants your penalty rates, yet can't support and help you to work those hours.
I would be saying I was dropping back to either 8 hours a day or going off rotating shifts. If he wants the extra cash tell him to work 12 hours like you do I feel angry reading your OP, I'd be foaming at the mouth if that was my DH
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20-09-2012 09:41 #10
Thanks for all the replies! It is not an ideal situation, I do not plan to drive anywhere today for the exact reason stated above: it is dangerous and I do not intend to put my children, or anybody else for that matter, at risk due to my fatigue.
It is nice to know that I am not the only one that would be angry, this is not the first time that this issue has come up with DH, but every time I end up feeling that it is somehow my fault! I am quite fiery when provoked, but I am also quick to regret my anger.
DS must have a 6th sense as he has crashed out for a nap much earlier than usual- hoping that he stays that way for at least an hour so I can have a bit of a nana nap! Yay!
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