I'm not sure. For me, I have always, since I was a really young girl, imagined being pregnant, giving birth, nuturing my infant - breastfeeding etc. I adore kids, I'm a nanny and have been yearning for kids for so, so long.
When I found myself in a same-sex relationship, I grieved the experience of trying to conceive naturally. Now we're trying to conceive through a clinic and I'm grieving the fact that we'll never have a child that's genetically linked to both of us.
We've always said we both wanted to carry a baby and we always said I'd go first because I wanted it more (and now it's also the financially sensible option too, even though DP is older she's just started a new career).
I've also always wanted to be a stay at home mum, and I think now I'm grieving the fact that when DP has a baby, it'll make sense for her to stay at home with the kids, at least while the newborn is tiny and I might not get that experience? That I might not get to breastfeed both of my children, that one will seem more 'hers' and one more 'mine'? (Which I desperately hope not to be the case). That her family will love her baby more or vice versa?
I've no idea how it'll pan out. DP has always said she can't imagine doing my job (hanging out with babies all day) so she'd probably go back to work quite early on in the piece, but what if she changes her mind and wants to be home? I guess we would have to try and work out a happy medium.
Of course, none of this may happen! I am probably over-thinking everything. But sometimes I wish she didn't want to carry a baby so it wouldn't be an issue. Having a baby has always been my driving force, so yes it's both primal and how I imagine my life.
And I know how much a baby becomes the centre of your world and I guess I'm prepared for that, I'm not prepared for DP having a baby and deciding to stay at home with it.
I'm also a bit worried that our families will inadvertently love our biological babies more than the others, but that's unfair of me to project onto them because I don't actually think it'll be the case.
Sorry this is so long! Hope it helps - feel free to ask anything x
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26-09-2012 17:18 #11
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26-09-2012 17:51 #12
I'm not in a same sex relationship, although as a mum I can DEFINITELY understand where your heart lies on this. I can imagine that I'd feel very much the same way in your situation so don't feel like you're a meanie or anything like that. I'm pretty sure it'd be a common reaction in most women.
I don't have anything to offer really as I haven't actually been in your situation although perhaps something that might help once bub is actually around.
Could you possibly look into induced lactation so that you can breastfeed bub too? Induced lactation (if you're not aware of it already) is when you basically trick your body into lactating again by using a breast pump or other methods. If you google "Induced lactation" you can find a wealth of info, and I'm sure there's breastfeeding groups that can help as well.
I realise it doesn't help with the jealousy of the pregnancy, unfortunately I'm not sure that anything other than therapy could help there. It's a natural reaction, so it's something that you'd have to work through. But perhaps induced lactation could help you to bond with bub after they're born as well as even the load of parenting after bub is born for your partner. Win win I say
26-09-2012 17:55 #13Senior Member
- Join Date
- Apr 2012
SuperGranny - Your posts are amazing. I love how you can just post things so logically without much hint of emotion that most hubbers including myself can't seem to accomplish. If I had a BH crush it'd be you
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26-09-2012 21:15 #14Member
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- Jan 2012
A little bit different here too but can understand & completely sympathize with how your feeling! I am currently 26 weeks pregnant with our 1st. I know how hard it can be for my DP at times, not getting to be with her daughter 24/7 as I do. We talk very openly about how she's feeling & I can always 100% validate how she's feeling, I really do understand. I try & keep her involved in everything appointment wise & get her to have a feel when she's moving to keep it real. DP reads her stories at night & is always talking to her, kissing her, touching her & as crazy as this may sound I genuinely beleive they already have a special bond. DP has told me I am no longer her number one girl, that our daughter will always be her main priority from the day she is born & I couldn't be happier about that! I feel so lucky & blessed to have her be so amazing & supportive of us. While we are in a great place now, it was tricky getting here & I truly believe the key was being open & talking about how we really feel, our hopes & fears. I hope it gets easier for you both, I'm sure it will when it all feels more real!
03-10-2012 13:03 #15Senior Member
- Join Date
- Feb 2009
I thought I would share my experience. I have always dreamed about having a large family, lots of children etc... I always said from the beginning that I wanted to birth at least 2 children and this is something I was really passionate about. My partner was happy with this and said that she is happy to have one pregnancy. The plan was that I was going to have the first baby, her the second and me the third.
I gave birth to our first baby and then it was my partners turn to try for baby no.2. While we were trying with her, I had this feeling in my stomach, like butterflies or knots or something that I really wanted to get pregnant and carry again. I was really happy that my DP was trying and it was her turn but I still couldn't shake the feeling I had that I soooo wanted to be the one getting pregnant. As it turned out, after 6 months of trying DP felt it wasn't the right time for her due to Work Stuff that I ended up TTC and fell pregnant again straight away. Next year DP will again TTC baby no.3 and I think now that I have had the 2 pregnancies, that the jealousy feeling I experienced when DP was TTC no.2 wont be there, well not as strong anyway, as I would love to have another pregnancy, but I have accepted that it not meant to be and maybe it would be nice to play the co-parent role?
Would you plan to have a 3rd baby?
Last edited by astrogal; 03-10-2012 at 19:23.
04-10-2012 11:59 #16
Last edited by Candiceo; 04-10-2012 at 12:04.
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