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    Default Jealous of my pregnant same sex partner

    I'm really hoping there are some other lesbian mums out there who can lend me a supportive ear.

    I am the proud birth mum of our 19mth old son. My partner and I have been together for 6years and over that time, our plans and ideas about parenting have changed. More specifically, in the early days, my then girlfriend wasn't sure she wanted kids. I thought it would break us. But then she came around to the idea (thank goodness!) but didn't want to be pregnant or give birth herself. So i was to birth two babies.

    Around the time we found our donor, she decided that she too wanted to carry and birth a baby, so it made sense that we would have one each. I went first as I was older and more clucky (through IVF) and became pregnant relatively quickly. I had a fabulous pregnancy and a wonderful birth. I would do it again in a heartbeat. I loved every bit of it. I have wanted to have a child my whole life. I have resigned from my job and am enjoying being at home full time with our son.

    But time was ticking so it was my partner's turn to get pregnant and now she is!! 6 weeks. We have our first scan this week.

    I have been feeling so mixed up through the whole TTC process and now she's actually pregnant, I wish more than anything that it was me. I feel so much grief and sadness that our son will be the only pregnancy and birth I experience. My partner is amazing, is aware of my feelings and doesn't take it personally one bit! She's a gem. But I feel so guilty that I'm jealous. And at times I resent that she is the one who is pregnant and has changed her mind from the early days - which of course she has every right to do.

    Does any of this ring true for anyone else? Does anyone else have a similar experience? I'm so stuck in my grief, I feel I am missing some of the joy of this new life that is growing in her belly. Our baby. I try to shield her from my feelings which at times makes me grumpy and that's no fun for anyone. I'm due to see a counsellor in a couple of weeks and hope I can get some support around this, but the thing I long for is to talk to someone who "gets it". another lesbian mum in a similar situation.
    Is there anyone out there?

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    SpecialPatrolGroup's Avatar
    SpecialPatrolGroup is offline T-rex is cranky until she gets her coffee.
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    I'm not a same sex parent, but just thought I would send you some hugs. It is natural that you would feel like you are missing out on something when you thought you would be getting to be pregnant again. I hope that you manage to find a way to feel ok with the fact that it is not you carrying this time and wish you all the best for you and your growing family.

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    JuliaGrrl (25-09-2012)

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    hug

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    JuliaGrrl (25-09-2012)

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    rainbow road is offline look at the stars, look how they shine for you
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    Hugs.

    I'm not in your position yet, but I think I will be when my partner carries no. 2. (Not even preg with 1 yet). I know it's a way away, but I'm already worrying about how I'll be!

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    JuliaGrrl (25-09-2012)

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    SuperGranny is offline Worlds best grandma! Winner 2012 - Most Helpful Member
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    Im not in the situation, but if I may offer my thoughts, perhaps it is just because you had such a wonderful pregnancy and birth, you wish to be able to enjoy that whole thing again. It is not really jealousy, that you dont want her to be having the expierence, but more that you want to be sharing it with her. Why does your son have to be the only time you can be pregnant?? Can you not have a second child if you wish to. ?? I can understand your feelings. Marie.

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    JuliaGrrl (25-09-2012)

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    Default Rainbow Roa - thank you

    Rainbow Road - I'd be interested to hear more, if you felt comfortable to share. What is it that makes you feel you could share some of these experiences? Is it something primal, innate inside you? Is it about how you imagine yourself and your life? I'd really like to hear more of your thoughts.....xxxxx JG
    Last edited by JuliaGrrl; 25-09-2012 at 22:06.

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    Default Supergranny - thank you

    Thank you for your posting Supergranny. Sometimes I try to convince myself that we could have three children, but I honestly don't know that we could. We have always imagined ourselves as a two child family, it was just going to be me birthing both those children. My partner works in the community sector and I would like to stay out of the workforce for our children's early years. We make ends meet but can't afford a holiday, for example. I'm not sure we would be able to manage three children? I don't know. I don't know what the practical considerations would be. Do you have any thoughts on this? Thank you for your kind words and support. I really do appreciate it.JG

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    rainbow road is offline look at the stars, look how they shine for you
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    Quote Originally Posted by JuliaGrrl View Post
    Rainbow Road - I'd be interested to hear more, if you felt comfortable to share. What is it that makes you feel you could share some of these experiences? Is it something primal, innate inside you? Is it about how you imagine yourself and your life? I'd really like to hear more of your thoughts.....xxxxx JG
    Hi JG,

    I'm not sure. For me, I have always, since I was a really young girl, imagined being pregnant, giving birth, nuturing my infant - breastfeeding etc. I adore kids, I'm a nanny and have been yearning for kids for so, so long.

    When I found myself in a same-sex relationship, I grieved the experience of trying to conceive naturally. Now we're trying to conceive through a clinic and I'm grieving the fact that we'll never have a child that's genetically linked to both of us.

    We've always said we both wanted to carry a baby and we always said I'd go first because I wanted it more (and now it's also the financially sensible option too, even though DP is older she's just started a new career).

    I've also always wanted to be a stay at home mum, and I think now I'm grieving the fact that when DP has a baby, it'll make sense for her to stay at home with the kids, at least while the newborn is tiny and I might not get that experience? That I might not get to breastfeed both of my children, that one will seem more 'hers' and one more 'mine'? (Which I desperately hope not to be the case). That her family will love her baby more or vice versa?

    I've no idea how it'll pan out. DP has always said she can't imagine doing my job (hanging out with babies all day) so she'd probably go back to work quite early on in the piece, but what if she changes her mind and wants to be home? I guess we would have to try and work out a happy medium.

    Of course, none of this may happen! I am probably over-thinking everything. But sometimes I wish she didn't want to carry a baby so it wouldn't be an issue. Having a baby has always been my driving force, so yes it's both primal and how I imagine my life.

    And I know how much a baby becomes the centre of your world and I guess I'm prepared for that, I'm not prepared for DP having a baby and deciding to stay at home with it.

    I'm also a bit worried that our families will inadvertently love our biological babies more than the others, but that's unfair of me to project onto them because I don't actually think it'll be the case.

    Sorry this is so long! Hope it helps - feel free to ask anything x

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