I am new to BubHub but thought I would register so I could have people to talk to.
I have a history of depression - along with eating disorders and borderline personality disorder. I am not sure if I have PND but all i know is things arent right. To make things worse I went off my medication a few weeks before my little one was born so perhaps that is a contributing factor to the way I am feeling now. Also, I have been in counselling for 2+ years but stopped going ever since bub was born.
My little girl, Roxy-Rae was born 10 weeks ago. I was booked in for an induction at 38 weeks because she wasnt growing anymore. Day of induction... i was petrified. After being hooked up to the monitors it was established that her heart rate was way too high for an induction (187bpm) so i had to have a c-section. My fiance was with me, as well as my mum... however, my fiance also invited his cousin in to the birthing suite. Yes, I love his cousin to bits but i was already in a highly emotional state so i felt aggitated the whole time knowing that she was there. I didnt have the heart to ask her to leave.
C-Section was definitely the best choice my OB made. My daughter had a knot in her cord (which they thought was a hernia while i was pregnant), and the cord was around her neck 3 times, hence why she wasnt growing. She was born at 2.38kg - 5lb4oz... she was a tiny little nugget.
Being in hospital was horrible. I firstly wasnt impressed with the midwives but my partner had to take care of Roxy-Rae for the first 2 days because i literally couldnt move. I almost feel as if he resents me for that and I feel horrible that i wasnt there to take care of her in her first days. The hospital i was at is one i will never go to again,... a private hospital too!... On her first night they took her to special care and they said it was for a few hourse.... They didnt bring her back for 10+ hours and wouldnt tell me why! and i couldnt exactly get up and walk to the nursery to see her. It was horrible... my little button was away from me and i all i wanted to do was hold her.
Being at home is driving me insane. I am the kind of person that gets bored so easily and i NEED to work. I was on a six figure income so the lack of funds isnt that great....
The constant sound of Roxy crying sets me off. I feel as if i am not good enough to take care of the little one. Why does she cry so much? She is also starting to get attached to me.. She will only go to sleep if i am holding her or lying next to her.
My partner and I have so many arguments during the night when she wakes up. We argue about who has to get up to her... its usually me. And so it should be. He is working of course so i feel as if I need to be there to take care of the baby. But its soooo tiring. It also makes it harder that my partner plays football and is gone 3 nights of the week.
I am so fed up with it all. I feel as if i have lost my life. I feel as if i now have no purpose except to look after Roxy-Rae. I hate it when my partner leaves the house each day, i usually cry. Just tonight he asked if i even have a life anymore outside of him and Roxy..... I dont... The thing is i dont want to leave the house, i am not happy with myself and the way i look after having a baby. I only gained about 12kg during pregnancy and have lost it all since but i just HATE myself right now. I dont want to be around people at all.
Yesterday I enrolled Roxy in to day care, starting 4 weeks from now... i am going back to work because i just need to get away. At the same time the reality of it all is upsetting me. I dont want someone else to 'mother' my child because i am too weak to deal with her myself.
Its all so hard and I guess i just wanted to right all of this to let it out and hopefully hear from others who have been in my shoes.
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15-09-2012 17:59 #1Junior Member
- Join Date
- Sep 2012
Baby Driving Me Crazy...
15-09-2012 18:25 #2
Re: Baby Driving Me Crazy...
I hope you feel better soon.
The only thing that worked for me when I felt like that, was to let everything go and spend 24/7 with DD. Sounds insane right? I was so like you, independent, great income. I found totally devoting myself to her worked wonders, she stopped crying, I was demand feeding and doing what she wanted. We spent days in the garden and tucked up watching movies. She calmed right down because I relaxed. It only took about a month and then I reclaimed myself after that. I look back on those times and realise I loved it. DD2 doesnt need me at all like that, so each child really is different. Some days putting on makeup helped me too, just do whatever makes you and bub happy, this rut wont last forever.
15-09-2012 18:59 #3
Re: Baby Driving Me Crazy...
Hi KyLo, lots of hugs to you!
I think you need to do what you find right for your family. Happy mum, happy bub is my moto.
I would also consider getting some counselling support as a few things that you mentioned sound like pnd. Having a baby is a huge change and you can never be fully prepared for what it entails until you actually experience it.
You will notice that things will start to get better with your baby now, as she will start to respond to you a bit more and will become more settled than in those first weeks.
I hope that things get better for you and your little one!!
15-09-2012 19:09 #4Member
- Join Date
- Aug 2012
Baby Driving Me Crazy...
I think you should probably see your GP, get some professional help. I am a long term sufferer of depression and thankfully the worst of it for me was during pregnancy and not after. I fully attribute that to the help I got during the pregnancy from a Perinatal Mental Health Nurse, she was fantastic. My GP referred me.
I think you probably do have postnatal depression and although I don't know ur full story, for me, the worst thing I ever did was stop my medication.
I absolutely love my job and was really worried about stopping to have my baby but I found that as long as I got out of the house, DS was much happier in his pram, the fresh air did me good. I didn't always have to see people, I just went for nice walks. Fresh air during the day also helped him sleep better at night.
I know it's hard but these days pass so quickly and these moments with ur little princess you'll never get back. I find that the tiredness is much better, as PP said, spending time with bubba and really interacting with her will make her happy, which in turn will make u happy and you kind if forget about the tiredness. If I lay DS on his mat and I lie on my sofa, I feel so much more sleepy!
Have you explained to ur partner how ur feeling?
For him to play footie three nights a week as well as working, that's not really fair on you IMO. Sometimes I phone DF and tell him to get a taxi home from work I stead of train because I've had a rough day and I need his help.
Hope u work things out, sending u big hugs xxxx
The Following User Says Thank You to Mum2Ruairi For This Useful Post:
15-09-2012 19:48 #5
Hugs, hugs, hugs!
I haven't got the history you have but I certainly think I was borderline pnd. I hate it but I can honestly say I didn't enjoy motherhood till DD1 was nearly 5 months old. She had silent reflux that wadn't diagnosed till 16 weeks. It nearly killed me someday I walked for 2.5 hours cause it meant she slept and wasn't crying
if you need to work, work!! Happy mum is happy bub. I was much more relaxed for dd2 and she was such a cruisy bub. What pp said about just following bubs lead will help both of you.
Good luck! And try enjoy your dd!
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