I am just looking at photos and videos of my DS' first year (instead of studying which is what I'm supposed to be doing). I'm just so sad for both of us that I spent that year so depressed. He missed out on having a happy and engaged mother - I don't think I even talked to him that often, although I honestly can't remember. I feel so guilty. I feel so sad that I didn't enjoy that precious first year - I missed out on appreciating his cuteness and his babyhood so much.
I also think I am getting depressed again. I was fine during my pregnancy with DS but came off my ADs when I got pregnant this time. It's hard to know how much of it is from my marriage problems, but I think I need to go back on the ADs. Which makes me feel like a failure, even though logically I know that's ridiculous.
Just had to get that out, thanks for reading.
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14-09-2012 07:56 #1
We missed out on so much
14-09-2012 08:10 #2
We missed out on so much
I'm so sorry about how you're feeling. You're not a failure! Sometimes we need extra help so we can be the best for our children. You are a wonderful mother!!
I had DS in January and I believe I have struggled with some PND this year. I sometimes just cant see the light at the end of the tunnel and feel extremely anxious, nervous, guilty and stressed for no good reason. I also think my weight gain and a few arguments with DH have played a large part in my depression. I have seen the doctor and she suggested a counsellor or meds but I'm not sure which route to take?
What have you been doing?
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14-09-2012 08:19 #3
My doctor just put me on ADs, no counselling, which isn't great. I would suggest a combination of both. I hope you feel better soon.
Thanks for your reply xx
14-09-2012 09:16 #4
We missed out on so much
Your not a failure, not in the slightest.
I have suffered depression for nearly 8 years now, I too went off the AD's when I was pregnant, I felt fine during my pregnancy, from the day after I gave birth I just didn't feel right, I didn't feel as though I bonded and to be perfectly honest (it breaks my heart now to admit) I just didn't "Love" dd at that time, my mind and feelings felt elsewhere, I really didn't want to be around my newborn.
I wasn't happy with myself either.
I wanted to love dd and I wanted to be that confident mum but it just wasn't happening.
Of course dd picked up on this and would scream murder when I was in care of her, she was fine with Dh and my mother but me, nope.
I just seemed to make her stress out because I was frazzled, then we would both be crying.
I remember saying to Dh once, 'she just hates me, I can't stand her anymore I can't stand myself and I'm done, I don't want to be alive anymore'
I think that's when my family knew something was going on so I seen my dr who put me back on AD's.
They did help, they helped me be more relaxed around dd and I was able to tell myself I was capable of looking after her and to just get on with it.
Dd was about 7-8mo by this time.
But I still wasn't happy with myself.
I put on weight during pregnancy and the depression didn't help as I'm a comfort eater, Dh and I were having problems, I was a mess.
It got to the point where I just felt out of control of my feelings and emotions, I was bitter and angry I felt like I had failed my daughter, my husband and I just did not care for myself, I didn't really care for my existence.
I really felt the world was against me.
That changed when I got counseling, changed my diet and gave myself some 'me time'
But I had to admit to myself first that I needed extra help.
That was just after DDs first birthday.
She is now 20mo and I spent a lot of my time this year feeling sad that her first year (and they say it's the best) was gone, that I spent it depressed, angry and worried.
I have spent a lot of time feeling guilty, feeling as though I need to 'make it up to her' to try and shower her with love to make up for lost time, I can't really explain it so I hope that makes sense.
I think their is just to many emotions to try and comprehend.
For me, and it's been in about the past 4 months, is realizing I will never go forward as a mother if I don't learn to forgive myself.
I will spend each year that pass's feeling sorrow, telling myself 'well there is another year I failed etc'
I needed to find I way to relax and enjoy the now instead of dwelling on the past, yes I will never ever get that first year back and that will always make me sad but I have a life time ahead of me as a mother and I will try my best to make it different from the first year, to make my self a priority as well.
Sure I will have regrets after every day finishes, big and small ones but you can't let it get you down, once you go to bed there is a new day tomorrow so I try to put those negative thoughts and feelings behind me and start the next day.
When I have feeling of guilt or sadness about the past I just tell myself, 'Nope that's in the past, time to move on with today'
Oh course I only have this thought process if I'm not depressed, AD's are able to get me through but they won't give me peace.
For me seeing a counselor trained in PND and following her steps has done me more than what AD's ever could.
Your not a bad person, and most importantly your not a bad mother.
Depression is a horrible thing to go through and I don't think it ever goes away, you can learn the right ways to deal with your emotions but it's still a daunting thought to know you can go backwards, but every day you spend feeling happy and confident should be celebrated.
I'm sending you many hugs, I wouldn't wish depression on my worst enemy.
It's debilitating, I would defiantly recommend seeing a counselor.
It's never to late to get help.
Your not a bad person for needing help, your not a joke and you are not a slack mum for reaching out either
(this is what I use to think)
Op, you can inbox me anytime and if you are in Brisbane I can give you the names of some great drs who offer women's counseling at their practice.
One of them does offer bulk billing too.
:Hugs: and please don't feel like a failure.
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14-09-2012 09:28 #5
Rachell thank you so much for your reply. It has made me cry. I'm sorry you went through that with your DD and I'm glad you are feeling stronger now. I will see my doctor and I'll insist I get some counselling now too. It's nice to know I'm not the only one with these feelings of having missed a whole year.
14-09-2012 21:50 #6Senior Member
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- Oct 2008
Big hugs to you, I know the heartbreak of PND too well.
I feel like I missed out on the first 18 months of DS life due to PND. He is 8 years old and I still struggle with the guilt. I look back at the photos of him, I look at the photo taken just as he was born of him being placed in my arms and that photo says 1 million words - the look of confussion, the look of sadness there was no joy in my eyes and it kills me everyday especially after I had DD nearly 4 years later and cried like a baby when she was born and felt joy and happiness like I have never felt before. It took me nearly 2 years to bond with DS, but I can tell you that today right now I love him so much, he is just my world and I make an effort everyday to move on from our shaky start and focus on today and how much I love and adore him. I dont think I will ever get over the guilt and sadly like you I will never get those early days back and for that I am truly sorry and sad but I know I just need to keep focusing on today and be happy for the wonderful bond that we have forged. Keep up with your meds and if you can see a councilor. Give yourself time, dont feel pressured to conform and stay away from negative people who dont understand what you are going through. I promise it will get better xxxx
15-09-2012 05:45 #7
We missed out on so much
I hope you feel better soon duck duck goose!!
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