My husband and I have two children each from our previous marriages and we are now pregnant with our first child together. My two kids live here most of the time just seeing their dad every 2nd weekend and his kids are here 50% of the time.
Currently my hubby is going through a career crisis. 12 months ago he quit his full time job because he was disillusioned with his career and the whole industry he works in in general. We decided that he should spend some time studying and working casually until he decides what career path he wants to follow. I have my own business and earn enough money to support us for a while.
However, one year later my hubby is still unsure what he wants to do and currently working as a waiter at a restaurant some nights and weekends. I am 22 weeks pregnant and planning on giving up work at the end of the year. I have made it clear that I am struggling with him being gone all weekend and missing out on some precious time together before the baby comes and being stuck with 4 full-on kids on my own every second weekend and several nights during the weekend. He has agreed that he needs to find a new job before the baby comes but so far he's had no luck. Not that he's really being trying hard either :-(
Unfortunately he is a chronic procrastinator and he lacks motivation to do almost anything. I generally have to push and nag and hassle him just to get minor things done (for example when we first met 3.5 years ago he hadn't lodged a tax return for over 5 years. It took another 18 months of me nagging him before he eventually sorted it out).
Anyway, the whole job situation is really starting to worry me. We are currently renting a 4 bedroom house for a bargain price and I worry that if our landlord ever decides to sell (she is a very old woman and if she dies I suspect her family will sell the property) that we will be forced to move out and if DH doesn't have a full time job we will have a lot of trouble getting another rental. I also suffer from depression and I worry that I won't cope with a new baby plus 4 other kids plus money issues etc etc.
I am thinking I have to give my hubby an ultimatum to get him motivated. It sounds really slack I know, but I am considering telling him that if I doesn't find another job soon where he is not working nights and weekends, he will have to tell his ex that we can't have his kids so often. I really feel like I won't be able to cope being home alone with 4 children and a new-born on nights and weekends, especially considering I am only just coping now.
I know that he will not want to see his children any less and that's why I think suggesting it will probably be the only thing that will get him motivated to go out and find a job.
I'd really appreciate some opinions on this- do you think such an ultimatum would be a good idea? Or is he going to hate me just for suggesting it?
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13-09-2012 19:36 #1
Number 5 on the way...
14-09-2012 16:22 #2Senior Member
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- Jan 2010
Number 5 on the way...
Wow you definitely have your hands full. I think you have every right to be stressed. I'm not sure what advice I can give you though as im going through a similar situation. I have a special needs daughter who is with us About 90% of the time and my partner has a son who is with us 50% of the time. My partner is currently back to working in a low paid job and trying to find a higher pay job that he can use his degrees on. I'm pregnant and it is stressing me to the max!!
I'm not sure if an ultimatum will work for you, but I'd suggest a break from his kids in terms of - if your hubby keeps working weekends maybe his kids could spend a night or two at their grandparents house - so you can have a break! I'm not sure what role you play in your skids life. But I personally don't take on too much responsibility with my Dss. It's up to his dad to make sure his son brushes his teeth, has a shower etc. that takes stress away and makes me just focus on my high risk pregancy and my special needs daughter.
As far as financial stress, your hubby needs to apply for jobs as if it's his full time job not as if it's a hobby to find jobs. He's taken away that sense of security that is so vital for you guys right now. It's so frustrating and I'm keen to hear if anyone has better suggestions as I'm sick of nagging to my partner too.
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14-09-2012 18:32 #3
Number 5 on the way...
Wow... Just wanted to say your amazing. Patient, tolerant, understanding and amazing!
You have ever right to be feeling the way you do, you must be absolutely exhausted.
We don't have my SS unless DH will be home to spend time with him.
I think what you are feeling is completely rational and understandable.
Wishing you all the best with your pregnancy and lots of luck working things out.
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10-10-2012 06:42 #4Senior Member
- Join Date
- Apr 2012
He needs to find a new job simple as that. I'd say that he needs to organise alternative arrangements for his 2 children while he's at work.. until you can manage the 5 kids better.
11-10-2012 19:21 #5
It's been a month since I posted this and there's been a few small changes, but I am still frustrated and depressed. I decided against giving him that ultimatum because I did actually mention it once during a heated discussion and he was pretty hurt that I could even suggest such a thing. He takes care of my kids when I have to work and never complains about it so I really should just suck it up and deal with it. Besides, he has finally admitted that he has a definite problem with procrastination and lack of motivation and has just recently begun seeing a counsellor and getting hypnotherapy sessions. I am hoping that it will help him gain the confidence to go out and find a good job very soon before I completely run out of patience!
I find no enjoyment in being home alone with 4 kids on weekends and I'd really like to have some alone time with my husband before this baby comes along. There's only 3 months left to go and I feel like time is running out!
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