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  1. #1
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    Default Not sure how I feel.......

    Bit of background - I left my husband 12 months ago. It was messy for the first 4 months because he just wouldn't leave the house, kept coming back etc etc. I wasn't strong enough to just tell him what was what and have always just done what would cause the least amount of arguments.

    Anyway, he's now got a girlfriend and YAY good for him :-) I don't want to be with him but that doesn't mean he should be alone for the rest of his life, I'm genuinely happy for him and I just want him to be happy.

    My issue though is that I don't think they've been together for long at all and he's already introduced our kids to her. Just speaking to him on the phone now and he said that he 'hasn't been home' in ages so obviously he's practically living with this girlfriend and her son.

    I have been seeing someone for 12 months, pretty much since I separated from my husband. It's a long distance thing but very serious. My boyfriend hasn't yet met the kids though as I don't want people bouncing in and out of their lives and wanted to make sure any new partner was going to be around for a while before I introduced them to the kids, even just as a friend.

    I see my boyfriend on the weekends that I dont have the kids and in the school holidays when they're with their father. We have actually gone 5-6 weeks without seeing eachother due to finances and such.

    I guess my issue is that XH has the kids 3 nights a fortnight. Why can't he see his girlfriend on the other 9 nights and just spend time with the kids when he has them? Especially given that he hasn't been with this girl for very long? I don't know, I guess I just think that it's a bit reckless to introduce someone too soon.

    Or maybe I'm just overthinking it? I really don't know. Does anyone understand?

  2. #2
    AndrewTheEmu is offline Bubhub Ambassador - tongue in cheek
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    Default Not sure how I feel.......

    I think I understand.

    I think it's GREAT that you've put some thought into protecting the kids! A person I know just let any tom jump in and out of her kids lives & it broke their hearts. Repetitively. So sad.

    Do you know the circumstances which he introduced her? Could it have been accidental? (like she dropped in unannounced?)

    Also maybe it is pretty serious between them? If he is practically living with her.

    I wouldn't bring it up with him just yet, but if things turn sour with this girl and it does upset your kids then I'd defiantly be making him aware of how hard it is on them.

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    I totally understand.

    DD still asks about my ex (not her Dad) who we don't see any more and haven't for over a year. I kick myself repeatedly for letting her get attached to him.

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    She's a friend of his cousin. I have no idea of the circumstances surrounding them being introduced but I know that he was taking our kids to her house, maybe a month or two ago my eldest made mention of it (I try not to pry into what the kids do when they're with their dad, but I let them know that they can talk to me about anything and I generally just say 'did you have a fun weekend with Dad?' and leave it at that.)

    She also turned up to the house on Father's Day with a present for my kids to give their dad and a card, so she's pretty heavily involved with them I assume.

    I too saw a 'friend' of mine (read: backstabbing ex best friend) bounce different guys in and out of her kids lives - I could barely keep track of them all so it was heartbreaking to see the kids go through it. I told myself after seeing her do that, that if I was ever a single parent that I wouldn't do the same. I always had a '12 month rule' in my head and that seems to be what I've followed with my boyfriend now.

    I think I worry too much about what the effect will be on the kids. They've had a really cr@p year, hauled from pillar to post as XH took me to court and then dropped the case. It's just been hell.

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    Default Not sure how I feel.......

    Sometimes I worry about 'what if they like dad more?' now I worry 'what if they like the gf more?'.

    I do worry needlessly over things. I have nothing else to keep me occupied. I'm moving on Friday and then I'll start sourcing day care for my youngest and looking for work.

    I really just want this year to be over. I can file for divorce in January and hopefully the house I own with XH will have sold by then.

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    Quote Originally Posted by HugsBunny View Post
    Sometimes I worry about 'what if they like dad more?' now I worry 'what if they like the gf more?'.

    I do worry needlessly over things. I have nothing else to keep me occupied. I'm moving on Friday and then I'll start sourcing day care for my youngest and looking for work.

    I really just want this year to be over. I can file for divorce in January and hopefully the house I own with XH will have sold by then.
    It sounds like you're taking all the steps in the right direction INCLUDING being honest with yourself about the way you feel. Thanks for posting that - I think it helps the rest of us to feel more ok about being human and not being perfect.

    Taking action and being self aware are two ways to set a great example for your kids. Obviously, I don't know whether your kids like you or their dad more, but I think you certainly have a lot to offer as a solid mum and role model.

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    Default Not sure how I feel.......

    Thanks cdro, that actually made me tear up

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    I'm pretty sure I know just how you feel.

    I could have written that post about a year ago, and still struggle with it. My ex was the same when we split, kept hanging around and I found it really hard to tell him it was OVER for good and to make a clean break. He only moved on once he'd found someone else- typical *roll eyes*


    I only found out about this girlfriend when she moved into the house- this is less than 6 months after we had our "final split." I too thought that was way too early, I was never introduced to her, and I know she was staying overnight while he had the kids there looong before that- possibly also looking after them on her own.

    Likewise, I would never dream of having a guy move in to our house that soon- probably not ever lol. I also find it difficult to accept that she is so prevalent in their lives, always spoiling them with gifts etc, and the only jealousy I feel about her relationship with my ex relates to the fact that she also has some sort of pseudo mother r/ship with my kids- there's some other woman hanging around trying to compete and win their affections constantly. I mean perhaps she isn't competing, but it feels that way when they come home every day from Daddy's with a new gift that "Xxxx gave me."

    I've only recently started feeling some sort of comfortability and acceptance with her role in their lives, and it's been over a year since she moved in. I really think if he'd gone about it differently, it would be fine- I have no desire to be with him and anticipated that he'd move on quickly. But by that I thought he's start seeing someone soon- not that she'd be living there within a matter of months and ALWAYS present when my kids go to spend time with their dad. I know too well the frustration of knowing that your children are getting zero alone time with their dad, even being left regularly in the care of some poor exploited girlfriend- then he wonders why they don't seem close to him anymore.

    It has improved though, and as the novelty of the girlfriend has worn off he seems to have realised he'd neglected his kids a bit and has been making more effort. Unfortunately we don't have any say in how they choose to set up their lives post separation, and rightly so- I certainly wouldn't want him to have any say in mine either. It just sucks when they make these poor judgements and we have to sit back and deal with the fallout effect on the kids.

    The way you are feeling is very normal; just try to rest assured that your kids will NOT love this woman more than you, unless perhaps you turn eveil mother on them and give them a reason to, ha. For me, loss of control has been the hardest part of splitting up- I can no longer manage the influences on my children's lives in their own home; as one home is with their father, and I have to defuse a lot of confusion and upset when they come back to me, due to choices he makes such as moving randoms in and out all the time. These choices are the reasons I left him in the first place. He won't change and reaching a point of acceptance takes time.

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    Default Not sure how I feel.......

    That's exactly how I feel mermaid sister. Thankyou.


 

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