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  1. #1
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    Default Sad and nobody understands

    Hi, I'm looking for someone, anyone, who understands. We had a termination on Thursday at almost 16 weeks, our little baby had trisomy 18. I'm so sad, this was our first attempt at having children and I just can't believe it. I keep bursting into tears at random times, I haven't left the couch in days, how long will I feel this sad?

    I have taken this week off work and my boss just doesn't get it. I feel like nobody really gets it. All the people who acted like they were upset and cared when we found out about the trisomy 18, don't really seem to care at all now. My sister in law is pregnant and I feel like she is shoving it in my face constantly and being really insensitive. My mum has been amazing and has stayed with me the whole time, which is a brilliant effort considering my grandma died last week too. Its truly been a horrible few weeks. My husband has been great too, but just going about life as usual as if nothing happened, maybe that's just his way to deal with it.
    Pretty much everyone I know is either pregnant or has a baby and I just don't know how I'm going to cope with all this. I can't stay on the couch forever I guess

    Then there is being terrified that it will happen again, or something else will happen.

    Sorry its so long,I just had to get it all out.

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    Default Sad and nobody understands

    I'm sorry I have no advice but I couldn't read and not respond.

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    Default Sad and nobody understands

    Oh I am so so sorry I have no idea what that would be like. I know that there are groups you can find with people who's babies were terminated because of the same thing.

    I had a friend who had the same thing at 20 weeks and she joined one of these groups and she said he really helped her through it.

    I guess some people don't know how to act with you, like when someone dies its hard to approach the family in such a difficult time. It's the same with you and your baby. Maybe some people are trying to act normal because they think it will help you move on.

    And in a way no one will understand, because they probably have never experienced anything like it.

    Stay on the couch as long as you feel you need to. Did they offer you any counselling?

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  5. #4
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    Default Sad and nobody understands

    I am sooo sorry to hear you sad story!
    My girlfriend had to terminate at 20 weeks due to a brain development issue and the awful truth is that she got sooo much negativity from people around her purely due to lack of understanding and knowledge. It was also her first pregnancy and she found it really hard as people wouldn't acknowledge or discuss the issue with her. But the truth is if you havent experienced the loss of a child, you can't truly begin to understand. I was pregnant with my girlfriend and we were due around the same time, both with boys and she didn't want to speak about it with me because she didn't want to put a negative spin on my pregnancy. I didn't want her to be upset or resentful of my pregnancy so I made a conscious effort to talk to her about her lost love.

    It's hard for people to understand a termination over a miscarriage. When your feeling up to it you need to share your knowledge and experience with those who want to know. Also don't be negative to your sister in law, she's carrying your niece or nephew and I can guarantee she would be feeling guilt for you whether it's expressed or not. My husbands sister in law lost her pregnancy at 6 weeks and I found out I was 6 weeks pregnant the week after she lost it. I felt so guilty i didnt want to tell her i was pregnant. She had resentment my whole pregnancy and when she came to see my baby boy, all she could say was, my baby was due around now. It is not fair on my son, her nephew for her to hold that resentment. She now looks at it differently since having her new baby girl. She can see how old her baby would have been through my son.

    I think you need time to grieve, set up something in memory of your baby, and try not to push your loved ones away because of a few negative feelings from those who you aren't close. Their opinions aren't important. You and your husband are what's important here and celebrating the wonderful intimate 16weeks you had with your baby.

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    Default Re: Sad and nobody understands

    :-( I am SO sorry this has happened to you.

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    Default Sad and nobody understands

    I hesitated to reply but I really do want to give you some comfort even if it's to be at peace a tiny bit. My mum had a trisomy baby, Edwards Syndrome, she was born on leap year and passed away of mothers day, her struggle was excruciating to watch, I think you have done such a brave and courageous thing. Stay on the couch for as long as you like, get some support from people who have been there, be kind to yourself. I'm so sorry for the loss of your child.

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    Default Re: Sad and nobody understands

    Thanks for your replies. I'm waiting to hear from the genetic counsellor again today I think she will refer us to another counsellor.

    yes you are all right, none of these people have been through such a horrible thing, or they liken it to an early miscarriage and say things like"oh well, at least you know you can get pregnant" "just try again everyone has miscarriages" I know it could be worse, and people go through things a lot worse than this, but I still don't feel better about any of it.

    I am very happy for my sister in law, I hope everything goes well for her I really do. My reason for being upset with her is that she decided that when we found out our baby was going to die, that this would be the time to invite me to her baby shower, which isn't until December... 3.5 months away.






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    Default Sad and nobody understands

    I'm so sorry you've had to go through this. You loved your bubba and you did this because you loved it so much you couldn't let it suffer an unbearable life. You were very brave.

    If you're scared about future pregnancies you can do genetic testing with IVF. That way you can know for sure you won't have to go through this again.

    Big hugs.

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    Default Sad and nobody understands

    Sending you hugs

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    I'm really sorry for what you've had to go through. I haven't been through it myself, but knowing how much a miscarriage hurts I can only imagine how much worse this feels.

    Please know that what you did shows an amazing amount of strength and love - it was tough, but it was the right thing to do. I'm glad your mum has been such a support for you.

    It is perfectly understandable that you feel hurt and sad and angry - don't let anyone tell you that you shouldn't feel it! It is your right to mourn for your lost child for as long as you need to. I don't imagine that you ever stop remembering what happened, but in time the hurt will get less immediate and less sharp and you'll be able to think about your child without breaking.

    Men have a harder time expressing how they're feeling than women do. Your DH may appear to be nonchalant and untroubled, but I suspect he's trying to hold it together for you, so you don't have to worry about him too. Inside, it's likely a whole different story. Counselling sounds like a great idea, for both of you.

    I'm sorry your sister-in-law has been insensitive. Often, people simply don't know how to react to your loss, and she may have (obviously wrongly) thought that a baby shower would be a pick-me-up for you. In the weeks after a loss, I think it's perfectly okay to just avoid people if being around them makes you sad. Pregnant women can be a real trigger point, and I think it's best just not to go near them for a while, as you try to get your head and your heart back together.

    I can completely sympathise with the fear of it happening again. It doesn't matter how much doctors tell you that what happened was a chance occurrence or how good your odds are next time, you can't help but feel like if the universe picked on you once, why won't it pick on you again? I haven't got an answer for that question yet (although I would dearly love to), but I hope that the counselling will help you to feel less worried about the future.

    As they say, be kind to yourself - give yourself permission to feel however you need to feel, and don't be rushed by others. Big hugs to you!

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