I am SO TIRED of not feeling good enough. I'm sick of catching a glimpse of myself and thinking: "Ew, of course he doesn't like you, you're f***ing disgusting".
I'm so angry that I let some egotistical moron ruin my confidence and comfortability at the gym.
I'm so angry that my self confidence has been ruined again.
I think I have a beautiful face. I think it's just disgusting on my fat, ugly body. I'm 168cm and 87kg so could be worse but I look like an awkward fat person and I'm sick of it. I want to be desirable. I want to be wanted. Sh*t I WANT guys to look at me and think "Yep, I'd do her". Even if I don't want to do it.
Urghhhhhhhhhhhhh. Vent over.
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20-08-2012 18:40 #1
So damn sick of this!!!
09-01-2013 02:37 #2
Re: So damn sick of this!!!
I too catch myself in the mirror and just cringe. Sometimes I do a double take cos the person I see doesn't look like me!
I too 'could be worse' but I'm still just another soft and round mum. I used to be hot. This pregnancy was just an excuse for me to eat everything my various diets said I couldn't have. It was great. But I was in denial about the 15kgs I'd put on.
I hope I can loose it. So far not so good :/ day 7 of eating vegan and I haven’t lost anything yet, :-(
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09-01-2013 13:27 #3
I understand how you feel.
I'm 160cm and was 110kg at my heaviest known weight (I think I may have been heavier). IF I somehow convinced myself I should go out and party with friends, I was the fat friend. Guys would very occasionally speak to me... so that they could get me to put in a good word for their friend. I was basically the go-between in some cases. Sometimes, I was outright ignored. Nobody wanted me - everyone wanted my skinnier friends.
Even being in a relationship, that hurt. I mean, I had someone and wasn't on the look out for anyone else... but to be so vile that NOBODY, not even a man drunk-off-his-face would look my way, hurt. I wanted to be somewhat attractive. I also hated that "large" was a word I knew people would use to describe me to others. Or "bigger." "Oh, you know... that bigger girl with the dark hair?" That would be what they'd say, because it was the easiest way to describe me... and it sucked that my size was the most obvious feature to pick.
I've since lost weight, and confidence has improved, but I'll always be a fat girl on the inside. I wasn't someone who was skinny, then got fat, then lost weight. I've never been small... this is actually the smallest I've ever been an as adult, and I'm 71kg and 160cm... still technically overweight. Certainly not small. Sometimes, the fat b*tch who lives inside me likes to come out and make me feel just as I was when I was 110kg... like a nothing.
I have no advice, I just wanted to let you know I understand.
09-01-2013 13:48 #4
So damn sick of this!!!
Thanks ladies I'm definitely working on it. I'm much less self-loathing than I was at that point - I'm heavier now at 92-94kg (depending on the day) but I'm not relying on anyone else to make me happy and I'm working on loving myself because I know when I achieve that the rest will follow naturally
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