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  1. #1
    Join Date
    Aug 2010

    Default family counselling hints pls.

    My family have been very blind to me for decades.
    its a bit like the hisotry of the french revolution where marie antionette was so blind to the poverty and starvation of her people and so ignorantly said
    ' well if they dont have bread let them eat cake' not realising they didnt have cake either.

    I've been thru alot of major trauma since marrying a very troubled guy and it took a huge toll on my health and my kids who i had to raise on my own.

    My family lived a minute away yet were so self absorbed and blind that we went thru so much hell without any support. At times they even ran to help some stranger while we were left suffering so much.

    3 decades later i want to see if a sibling can understand anything about what we went thru and what our challenges are now and give more support.

    it may be a futile exercise as some people just cant understand and will continue to traumatise people who are in serious situations with stupid ignorant comments showing they have no clue and its just too draining to be around people who are offtrack when suffering.

    nevertheless i might try it despite a 3 decade history of almost total non interest non help, and comments that show no understanding

    eg when i had a very critically ill daughter with anorexia this sibling said
    well why doesnt she just work, as if someone seriously ill with anorexia can work . thats just one of many offtrack comments in the several times we had brief conversations at critical times when we really needed to be heard just as the french people needed their blind ignorant leader to hear that they were starving but she couldnt go outside of her own experience and dumbly said
    well if they dont have bread let them eat cake.

    often people think they will confront an abuser or tell someone critical info and be heard, understood comforted supported, but more often they dont get the result they want. the person is not able to hear still, still abuses or shows with every word that they dont have a clue.

    i dont know if its worth draining myself out hoping for his mindset to shift and open and realise more than the blindness he has had for 3 decades.

    I can give a brief info

    i've made a dvd or a few dvds of the topics i want to cover though it does jump around a bit,
    i dont know if he would watch them and if we have to pay a psychologist to watch them with him to assure he does then that could waste several sessions which is expensive or if granted by medicare sessions then it wastes almost all the sessions, but otherwise he might not watch them and also i dont want his wife watching them as she is part of the problem that she cut out many people from his life and wanted so many material things on and on, bigger more expensive house, cars overseas trips etc etc, after being raised without luxuries and watching people around her having them.Thats all fine but to leave us suffering as much as we did and be so blind to it for decades no matter what we went thru and no matter what toll it took on us is horrifying.

    i'm not sure how this will happen. ideally somehow i'd like him to watch the dvds and talk about his reaction and hope that something does shift is heard.

    any advice pls.

    i dont see any hope of getting thru to my parent as she just shouts and interupts every sentence then walks out of counselling.

    these are people who will go to the end of the earth for strangers yet abuse or be cruel to me or simple not intersted and blind. i may not want them ever invovlved in my life as that could just be inviting more hurt and ignorant hurtful comments, or perhaps their mentality and ignorance can shift a bit but i'm unsure how to achive that. so far in 3 decades that hasnt been the case they have been blind and we have suffered all sorts of horrendous thigns while living a minute away from them.

    this is not intentional cruelty, its just total blindness, inability to see anything outside yourself and bad values that values running to help strangers while abusing or ignoring your own sibling and family.

    any suggestions to help being heard and help a shift occur if it is possible.

  2. #2
    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    Achievements:Topaz Star - 500 posts
    I see you havent had any replies yet so I thought Id bump your thread.

    Whilst Im not experienced in anything you need help with, what I do know is that its often a futile experience trying to change someone else. My advice would be to get counselling for yourself and work on ways to deal with everything that youve been through and learn how to move on from it.
    I hope another poster comes along to offer you more sage words of advice. Best of luck to you.

  3. #3
    Join Date
    Jan 2006
    I'm sorry for the traumas you have endured over your lifetime.

    I don't think your sibling will change his mind or in fact understand what you went through. From what you've said your family have been very self involved your entire life - I can't see that changing now.

    I don't believe you will get the outcome you need from your family.

    As hard as it is to do, I think you need to get counseling for yourself to help you. You need to find a way to move on with your life and make a happy, safe and loving environment for you. I think a counselor would be your best chance of achieving this.

    A lot of hubbers have had to cease contact with family in order to achieve a happy life. Perhaps it's time for you to talk this out with your counselor as part of a move forward plan.

    Unfortunately, we can't change the past only our future. From what you have said in this post and your previous posts, I don't think your family have the capacity to see things from your perspective. You can't change that - only accept it.

    Good luck to you and I hope you find a way to have a happy life from now on.


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