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  1. #11
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    keep in mind I havent read the other thread..

    I think women take plenty of responsibility on the whole.. Im not sure how someone can be asked to "take responsibility" for a man being a bad father though.. But most women do.. in that most women end up doing most of the child rearing.
    If you mean in the sense that it is her responsibility because she "chose" him.. "chose" the situation..
    Well.. I wont deny that sometimes women make bad choices for partners.. Hell, I did lol.. (although hes better these days). I wont deny that some women choose to have children when they probably arent in happy, healthy or safe relationships. I work with women in these situations. I know that sometimes people beleive things like "he will change after the baby is born."
    They do end up "taking responsibility" the majority of the time, in that so many of them end up getting zero child support, zero emotional support. I dont think they should wear the majority of the responsibility. These men do choose where they put their penises. They dont just fall over and get someone pregnant.

  2. #12
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    I didn't see the other thread, so I'm a bit confused.

    How can a woman take responsibility for the father of their child being a deadbeat dad? Isn't that his behaviour, and his choices?

    Since when are we responsible for other people's behaviour?

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  4. #13
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    I think it really depends. Sometimes men completely change and do things nobody would have predicted. My ex was a lousy partner but I seriously never even considered that he would abandon dd as he did. He gave no hints that he would be like that.

    Some women will have babies with men who have other kids to other women who they never see or contribute to financially... And these women are shocked when they do the same to them? Why? I assume these women naively thought he'd changed... But it wouldn't be someone I'd ever have kids with.

  5. #14
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    I think by caring for the child the woman is taking responsibility. Unless the man is a big income earner, the CS doesn't even come close to covering half the expenses, then the mother loses some of her payments anyway. They are also taking on the issues of dealing with the father, dealing with CS to get him to pay, trying to get the father to be in the child's life. She can't take back having a baby to him, but what more can she do to own her decisions after the the fact than the above?

    A man that makes a child, then decides he wants no contact or to pay for the raising of his child *isn't* taking responsibility, and the 'I was trapped' excuse I find pathetic. Everyone knows how babies are made. You create a life, you be a grown up and contribute to it.

    I also find great difficulty understanding the new wives/partners that not only condone, but encourage him shirking his responsibility. Maybe stemming from jealousy, but it's almost as dislikable as the deadbeat behaviour of their partners.

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  7. #15
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    Quote Originally Posted by MissMuppet View Post
    I didn't see the other thread, so I'm a bit confused.

    How can a woman take responsibility for the father of their child being a deadbeat dad? Isn't that his behaviour, and his choices?

    Since when are we responsible for other people's behaviour?
    it has been said that it's the woman's fault bc she chose a loser....

  8. #16
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    well i have a deadbeat ex who fathered my beautiful dd.
    i do take some responsibility for choosing someone who by all realistic expectations probably wasn't going to be an awesome dad. i would like to blame the error of my choosing on being 14 when i chose him(16when i had dd) and obviously as a 14yo i knew everything also like to deflect some of the blame for my lousy choice to my deadbeat parents for raising me with such low expectations and no real knowledge that a decent partner or father was actually a choice available to me.
    i take full responsibility for conceiving a suprise baby. i did understand conception. but seemed to have delayed /impaired decision making skills.

    i don't take any responsibility for him being a crap dad. i honestly feel like i gave him every opportunity i could and then some and he is still a loser.

    as separated parents i have gone waaaay beyond to try and give him the chance to step up. i have tolerated his bull**** in silence. i have tried so hard to create calm and normalcy for my child no matter how many times i had to bite my tounge and overlook his maaaaaaaaaany flaws. so no i can say absolutely i take no responsibility for his continued choices to be a negligent parent.

    i do feel really Sad for my dd though. i feel like i failed her. she deserves a great dad and it was my responsibility to give here one and i didn't. i couldn't. and now it can never be righted. so yes i feel responsible for failing to give her what she should have.

    as a parent i feel happy and privileged to have had full financial and physical responsibility for her. if i ever felt a moment or twinge of unfairness that he did nothing but walk in for five mins to **** it all up and i did everything, i always reminded myself that i would never want to swap with him. the small sacrifice of having all the responsibility of our child was always so far outweighed by the joy of her.

    so yes im happy to take responsibility for the parts i acknowledge. im happy to keep choosing the physical responsibility. i wish i could re choose her father but that can never be done.
    whereas he continues to choose to be an idiot.

    my dd is 15yo and 6 months ago decided her father was an idiot deadbeat dad and she hasn't seen him since and while im sad for her that she ever had to be in this position a little bit of me is secretly happy that she can see him for who he is. he doesn't deserve her at all.


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  10. #17
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    Quote Originally Posted by delirium View Post
    it has been said that it's the woman's fault bc she chose a loser....
    Hahahah funny how I have never read that if a mother is awful that it's the father's fault!!!! He's SUCH a great guy for stepping up and looking after the kids

    I really don't give a flying fig of what people think of my 'decision' to have a baby with a deadbeat when I was in an abusive relationship. I know the truth, I look after my precious little boy while he goes clubbing, to strip joints, gets drunk, spends his money on stupid cars and other bullcrap. His choices are his and he has to own them. I take no responsibility for him being a scummy piece of poo. That is his choice and his doing! I am a responsible mother.

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  12. #18
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    The bottom line Benji, is that it so much more complex than 'don't have a baby to a loser then'. You do a wonderful job and are a fantastic mother, never forget that

  13. #19
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    Quote Originally Posted by delirium View Post
    it has been said that it's the woman's fault bc she chose a loser....
    Woah. That's so harsh you could scrub sinks with it.

    By that token we could blame the victim of crime for being at fault because they chose to walk down the particular street where they were mugged.... even if that street had previously appeared safe etc etc.

    Its quite ridiculous.

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  15. #20
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    Quote Originally Posted by delirium View Post
    The bottom line Benji, is that it so much more complex than 'don't have a baby to a loser then'. You do a wonderful job and are a fantastic mother, never forget that
    Thanks del

    So true, life isn't black and white! People can shout from the rooftops that mums who had a baby with somebody who isn't nice that she should 'be responsible' all they life but they are preaching to the converted there. Directed at the wrong people if we are talking about personal responsibility


 

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