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  1. #1
    harvs's Avatar
    harvs is offline Winner 2014 - Spirit of BubHub Award
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    Default Breaking Point

    I'm sorry in advance that this is so long. Ok. Deep breath.

    I am in a funny marriage - I work in the country and my husband lives in the city. We see each other most weekends. We've been together six years (close friends for four before that), but have not spent much time 'living' together. The longest time we've spent together is 3 months when we were on our honeymoon.

    My husband never wanted to get married or have kids. I guess it's fair to say he caved on the marriage thing because it was really important to me - we eloped 2.5 years ago. We said we wouldn't have kids (this was really difficult for me), but I always said if I were to fall pregnant I wouldn't be able to have an abortion. I guess he didn't believe me, or didn't think it would ever happen.

    So in February this year I fell pregnant. Obviously it wasn't planned. We still don't really understand how it happened. I said that I was willing to talk about options, but I was almost positive I would keep it. I gave him the option of leaving. He was angry and said that wasn't possible, because even if he left me, he'd still be a father. He tried to almost bully me into having an abortion - said things like he would stop loving me, I am dooming him to a life of misery, I'm putting a bunch of cells above his well being etc. He accused me of having an affair, or 'messing about' with the condoms. I tried to just be a listening ear and let him speak. I felt it was the least I could do. I also knew if I caved and had an abortion that I wouldn't be able to stay with him. I felt like over time things would get better - if not before, at least when he met his child.

    Well things still aren't better. He's angry and distant and even though he's kind of come to the party with things like nursery furniture and stuff, he hasn't emotionally at all. I've begged him to see a counsellor for his own well being if nothing else. He won't do it. I've ignored the hurtful comments he's made because at least he's talking. I've kept my thoughts to myself. I've been to hospital three times during this pregnancy, once when I was choppered to the city because they thought I was having a stroke. Even though he doesn't have regular paid work, I've agreed to give up my job in the country that I adore, and move to the city with him, taking leave for two years and then being transferred to the city.

    I feel angry with him that he's not fighting for us. At the same time, I still feel sure that he will love his son. He will be an excellent father. He is taking responsibility as a father. I just don't know if I can stick around if he decides he doesn't love me anymore simply for choosing to have his child. I haven't changed, I've always said how I would react if I got pregnant. He just didn't ever think it would happen, so didn't prepare himself. I'm terrified of being alone and resenting my baby, but I don't want to be stuck in a miserable marriage.

    Anyway, I'm not asking if you think I should leave my husband or not because it's not an option for me right now to just give up. I'm way too hormonal to make rational decisions. It's just that sometimes I feel like I hate this baby for what it's doing to my marriage. Then I hate myself for feeling that way - it's a gift from the universe that this has happened when I had reconciled myself to it never happening, and I have to believe that it's meant to be.

    I failed my first glucose last week, and I feel like I have been so miserable and stressed this whole pregnancy that I'm damaging my baby. Like I'm wrecking him and it's my fault. Like I'm already a lousy mother. I'm holding all my hopes against everything being ok when he's born - my husband really is very loving and kind hearted. Today I started thinking that even though I could never bring myself to hurt my unborn baby, I could possibly bring myself to hurt myself, which would kind of solve everything.

    Please don't ask me to seek help - I am very private and I could never tell anyone I know in real life how I'm feeling. I considered checking myself into hospital for a couple of days, just for a bit of tlc, but my closest country hospital doesn't have a psych ward and it would be hard for me to take time off work without everyone knowing why. I guess I just need positive thoughts or comments to get me through the next ten weeks. After that, I'm assuming nothing will matter except for my son - I just need to be able to get there first.

    Thanks for reading.

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    You sound like you've been so strong, standing up for yourself and your baby against a lot of pressure from your husband. It is completely understandable that you're feeling stressed given the changes your life is going through. Given that you have had thoughts about harming yourself, I would give someone like Lifeline or the Salvo's a call or see a counsellor - Lifeline have a 24 hour telephone line (you could call anonymously?). It would help to talk it through with someone and they could give ideas of further steps you could take (ie, where you could go for a couple of days of 'time out').

    And keep coming on here - there are so many supportive hubbers to help you through this time!

    Big hugs
    Last edited by Sunnybambino; 06-08-2012 at 23:36.

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    It sounds like you have a lot of things to work through with your husband.

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    Sounds pretty intense!! I know you don't want to hear it but I would honestly seek help. Having a newborn is honestly the toughest thing I've ever done & if I wasn't 100% mentally I think I would have harmed myself to get away. I've got a partner who is 110% invested too. There's no shame in managing your mental health, I am very private about these things too.

    Good luck. You can definitely do this, whether or not hubby comes around.

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    Oh, MrsHarvey, I understand totally the self harm thing. I was there for about 20years of my life until I learnt to control my demons in other ways. I'm sorry to hear you are feeling so down and can't enjoy yr pg so much as you should, esp with your partner's attitude. I hope he 'wakes up to reality' and realises how he's been treating you will not help things. Can you talk to him about how sad and lonely you feel, and how HE, not the baby, will ruin the marriage if he continues to treat you this way?

    The self harm doesn't help. It's another thing you may feel guilty about later. It does relieve the stress for a while, but it's a terrible pattern to get into. So just breathe. Tell yourself you love your body and the little one growing within, and you are allowed to have your off-moments and feelings, but to try to resolve them with the bigger picture, and that you wouldn't be feeling this way if not for your partner's attitude. And as a prev poster said, please do come in here where we will support you. We may not be in your 'real' life, but we are really here, and we do really care.

    Hope you can bring yourself to phone lifeline, or one of the depression support hotlines you can google. It sucks being depressed for real reasons when you are pg, as it is all magnified by the hormonal state. Please look after yourself and try to find someone you can talk to, at least over the phone. We look forward to an update and hope you can resolve some of these things soon.

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    Hi there, sounds like there is a lot going on in your life at the moment, I am in a tricky situation as well. Long story short: I fall pregnant in Feb after two weeks my BF left the country, we wasn't breaking up, but I wasn't expecting to see him in the future anymore( background story: we were trying to get pregnant for the last two years before that, it took a toll on the relationship, BF had an affair with someone early this year). Just when I decide to give up on us, the baby came along, I was lost, suicidal and confused about what to do( had an adoration in 2008, still trying to get over that). Had lots of chat with BF, but he said its all up to me. After three month of struggling both emotionally and physically( I was in and out of hospital for morning sickness: vomiting blood, due to previous stomach ulcer). I talked to lifeline durning that time, it really depends on who you get at the other end of the phone, some of them are really really good, some are hopeless… I was seeing a psychiatrist as well, she was really worried and eventually I agreed to go to a psych ward in June. It was the good/right thing to do, now i am seeing a psychiatrist who only deal with women like me, so he understand, also a social worker, a clinical manager and after hours support over the phone, home visits durning the weekends ( as I don't have any family in Australia).
    BF is still overseas, we only talk over text now, he hasn't called for a long time, he says he doesn't have a number that he answers, so I can't even call…
    I guess what I am trying to say is, you are not alone, there are few of us out there struggling along, I still don't connect with the baby, don't know what to say to her, don't know if I will be able to love her… don't be scared, look for help, because there are some around and people at work don't need to know, you are entitled to sick leave.

    There is a mum and baby line by the federal government you can call 24/7, I found them much better then any other over the phone counseling. They creat a fail for you on their system so you don't have to tell all your stories every time you call, you can remain enormous if you want, they will give you a fail number. It really is very good and private.
    http://www.health.gov.au/pregnancyhelpline http://www.health.gov.au/pregnancyhelpline
    their phone number is 1800882436, a free number if you have a landline.

    Pls feel free to message me and ask anything you want to know, I might not be that helpful, but at least you know you are not alone. Hope this helps, lots of hugs.

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    Sounds like your having a tough time. Don't be too hard on yourself, we all doubt ourselves sometimes, you sound like a really strong person, but everyone needs a helping hand from time to time, perhaps those helplines could be useful that others have suggest. Hopefully things start looking better when bub arrives! Take care and stay strong!

  9. #8
    harvs's Avatar
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    Thanks so much ladies for your support. I have felt so much better since I allowed myself to say (write) my feelings out loud. I think I hit my dark point and, thanks to you, feel positive, strong and resolved again. Your kindness to this old stranger truly brought me to tears, and I will never forget it x

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    Very pleased to hear it! Remember you may still have your down moments, as things aren't easy in the kind of position you are in.

    I am also a believer in things happening for a reason, and whatever path you've started on with this pg was fated to be.

    Please don't feel like you are ruining your baby re the glucose test failure and stress. Some women's hormonal systems just don't cope well with pg, and you'll be called back for the longer glucose test, and if that isn't normal, you'll receive treatment. You baby will be fine, as it's not like it's gone undiagnosed to the end of pg.

    Good luck with your pg and your move. I hope everything turns out fine for you, and please do check in and let us know how things are going.


 

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