This is my first post in this section, I'm 12 weeks pregnant with our first baby so most posts are about pregnancy and not parenting yet!
Im 22 and my husband is 25. A group of our close friends are 24-25, and at the moment they're all focused on travel and careers, in fact only one couple apart from hubby and I have moved out of home; the others still live with their parents. We're all in long-term relationships (4+ years), but we'll be the first to have a baby and I think the others will be a long way off. We see this group at least once a week currently, and while the girls are interested in my pregnancy, I'm worried that once the baby arrives we'll drift away from the group. Has anyone else been in a position like this, and if so, how did you make sure you still saw them often? I'm worried that they'll feel like we can't do anything socially anymore, and I don't really know what our limitations will be socially either around taking bub with us...
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05-08-2012 20:43 #1
Worried about losing friends when baby arrives
05-08-2012 20:50 #2Senior Member
- Join Date
- May 2012
I haven't been in this position but have read somewhere once.... To make sure that you don't always talk
About your pregnancy or baby ( even though its really exciting ) make sure you stay interested in what they are doing rather than beig interested in yourself ( hard to do when you have a little person kicking you constantly from the inside or attached to your boob. It's important to let them know that you are still interested in them
Also... Maybe make time once a week/fortnight/month to catch up... Just the girls... No baby
05-08-2012 21:01 #3
Some good advice there.
It's hard to say what will happen in your circle of friends and I don't have any real advice. But just wanted to say I went through this... Even with our friends who had already had kids before us. We hardly ever see any of our friends or hear from them. People get busy, drift apart, etc, no matter what their ages. We r 29 and 35.
When our friends had babies before us I always made sure I rang, txt them etc to see how they were doing, if I could help them, if they wanted to catch up etc but when my DS was born no one ever did that for us... We have a bunch of friends who have never even met our DS!! And they were people we considered to be good friends...
Don't let it get you down though, u meet new people when bubs arrives
05-08-2012 21:04 #4
Before I got pregnant I was very close to my friends, went out often to catch up and had the same topis of interest. None of my friends have kids. Since the birth of my son it's been difficult to go out and catch up, even when I do get to go out I think about baby all the time. I love sharing stories a out DS with my friends and also love venting about the stress of being a new mum. But they don't seems yo be that interested or understand what I am going through. They would still talk about going out clubbing etc or how they planning a Europe trip etc and I feel left out and jealous in a way and also feel alienated.
For me we are definetly not as close anymore. Still great friends but not the same as before. But I believe when one day they start having kids we will be like before again.
05-08-2012 21:18 #5
I was the first in our circle to have a baby (and married) even though the friends are a few years older.
I found that for the first few months I was a bit lonely, and felt isolated. We were on a different wavelength. Dd is 16 months and I'm still super close to two girls and the rest I don't really see so much, only for bbqs and the odd phone call. It's not awkward, just life tbh. The ones you are close to you'll probably stay that way (might have a couple of hiccups in the first few weeks. My besty made a couple of comments that I took to heart but in reality she just didn't 'get it'). I guess you'll all have to put the effort in and be mindful of different circumstances. A true friend will always be there
All the best for your pregnancy
05-08-2012 22:09 #6
Firstly congratulations! I was 21 and DH was 25 when I fell pregnant. Only one of my friends had a boyfriend. I too was concerned and have lost at least 5 friends who have just dropped off the radar in the last year but the ones who we regularly see who hold and play with my DD are true friends. Be warned though they might seem fine one minute and over it the next. I was in early pregnancy and needing to pee lots while shopping and my best friend who knew made me feel I was doing it on purpose to inconvenience her!
When I am out with them though I try not to talk about DD unless they ask a question.. All the best
05-08-2012 22:17 #7
Don't be worried. For each friend you lose, you'll make new ones with common interests :-)
***Sent from my phone***
05-08-2012 22:19 #8
Hmmm it can be a hard one!
i think your true friends will stick around and make the effort and will be happy to hear about bubs. I most certainly would not not talk about your bubs to them.
You could perhaps schedule a fortnightly catch up with the girls without bubs.
entertaining at home is also so much easier and more convenient once you have kids. And also you will find you will meet a lot more mums and make friends whether it be at child health nurse while you wait or at a mums group or play group etc.
05-08-2012 22:29 #9
I'm a bit older (was 30 when DS was born) but had the same concerns as you as most of my friends are still single & childless, into their careers, traveling, partying etc!
Firstly, you might actually be surprised by the effort that some of your friends DO make to stay in touch with you and keep you involved in social events. I can think of 2 friends of mine in particular who have both said they never want to have kids and who I thought might 'neglect' me a bit once DS was born because I knew I probably wouldn't be able to just pop down to the pub on a Friday night after work to meet up with them. Quite the opposite happened though. Much to my delight they came over and visited me numerous times when DS was a newborn and we're still good friends to this day (and I'm back to being able to meet them at a pub too, hooray!!) I do actually make the conscious effort to not chat about DS too much but they always ask me about him.
So yes, it definitely can be a bit tricky to get out of the house with a tiny bub at first (particularly if struggling with breastfeeding like I was) but I do think that true friends will realise this and will make the extra effort to come to you instead.
Unfortunately, someone who I did consider to be one of my very closest friends has only seen me twice since DS was born (22 months ago!) despite me repeatedly making the effort to try and see her (with/without DS being with me). TBH, I think we were drifting apart anyway though and the arrival of DS probably had nothing to do with it.
Also I've been fortunate enough to make some awesome new friends since DS was born just via joining a Mother's Group/Playgroup. So keep that in mind too!
Don't stress - if you do lose a friend or two then they probably weren't worth having as a friend anyway. True friends will stick around and new friends will enter, all part of life!
Last edited by bitterpure; 05-08-2012 at 22:32.
05-08-2012 22:38 #10
My partner and I were 23 when DS arrived. Our friends are mostly in long term relationships but we are the only ones with a baby. We have lost a lot of the closeness we had with our friends cos we can't just go out every weekend or do everything. We plan what we can do pretty carefully and make a special effort to get to big events. People who I thought would be there have drifted away and I don't hear from them, but it's not in a mean way it's just different interest and priorities.
However we have gained some fantastic friends too. A girl who I wasn't exactly close to is now my best friend, she dotes all over my little boy and is over twice a week. She has the most amazing connection with him.
Just don't take any of it to heart if you don't hear from people, some people do just want to give you space to adjust to this new little person in your life. I think extra effort on your behalf can help, but your real friends will always know where to find you and will be there when it matters most. You honestly find out who your true friends are.
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