Any advice would be great, I seperated from my ex father of my dd whom is 10 the day I found out I was pregnant, she has been going to her dads every second weekend. The last few years she's been going less and less due to her dancing commitments as he won't take her to anything. She has now put her foot down saying she doesn't want to go due to when she's there she does nothing, or has to look after the other kids 7 and 2, she feels very left out. I haven't forced her to go but explained that she needed to tell her father why she wasn't going to his house, I have also explained that she will have to go fathers day, birthdays, Xmas etc.
Have I done the right thing? When are they old enough to make such decisions???? Her father and I don't talk so I can't approach him regarding this.
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05-08-2012 07:52 #1
05-08-2012 08:05 #2
Has he said anything about her not going ?
05-08-2012 08:12 #3Senior Member
- Join Date
- Jul 2011
Kids seem to go through cycles of everything they do. I think kids should make their own decisions. Guided ones of course. Maybe she needs to write down how she feels. Sometimes confronting a parent isn't easy. I remember stopping doing something I loved because my parents made me do it. After they let me stop I had time to realise how much I missed it and wanted to do it again, but it was only after they let me decide on my own. Kids need their fathers so as long as they don't completely loose touch then a break might be what they both need to repair a relationship that is being taken for granted. Hope it all goes well.
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05-08-2012 09:38 #4
My DD is 9 and stopped seeing her dad in April this year after he objected to him having an affair with his best mates GF, it was her decision to not want to go and I supported her 100%.
It has blown out majorly as a result but I still stick by doing what my DD wanted as it was effecting her mental health.
I think all children deserve a right to chose, but honestly, I wouldn't put the pressure on her to explain why, are you able to speak up for her?
05-08-2012 10:54 #5Senior Member
- Join Date
- Aug 2009
i think she needs some help on such a big issue.
I would suggest to her that maybe they could just have some day trips together...get her to ask if they can have some special 1 on 1 time together...explain that she wants to spend time with him.
Explain that although it might be very busy at his house, he loves her.
Maybe help her write a letter of how she feels...try and keep it positive.
Is there a reason you can't call and have a little chat with him...explain you want to keep the relationship going and are working at your end and was hoping he could consider a few little things at his end?
05-08-2012 11:12 #6
As the child of a divorce and the step parent to a child of divorce i think children should not be allowed to make such life changing decisions themselves - they need guidance as they do not have the ability to foresee the damage it will do to their relationship with their father, as a child all they can see is the short term.
My mother let me make my own choices with regard to this and it drove a wedge between myself and my father. Legally as they become older the courts will take the child's wishes into consideration - but a child not wanting to visit dad because it is an inconvenience or boring is not a reason not to go - i am sure they often feel the same about school but they are still made to go because it is in their best interest.
You sound like a good mum - personally I would encourage her to go but talk to the dad about the issues she is having and if you are unable to talk to him then maybe try mediation or emailing him rather than phoning him directly. It is tough, but it is much better of you can learn to deal with him rather than have her try to explain it herself, it is a bit much for a child to manage and be responsible for.
Good luck with it all.
05-08-2012 11:25 #7
It's very hard as her parents we don't get along I have tried very hard to make him a huge part in her life, and keep getting kicked. He is married and has daughter and step daughter living with him, he also has son whom he doesn't see. I have always tried to include him in all my dd special things. Ever since I got married her father is always making her choose between him and my hubby. I have explained to my daughter she doesn't need to choose. He has always said I'm trying to turn my Dd against him which is far from the truth I have always believed she needs her father. He keeps pushing her away by not making any effort. She tells me she has asked to have some 1 on 1 time and he says no he's too busy watching tv. I feel he wants me to say she's not coming anymore that way I cam be blamed, I was very proud when she finally stood up and said she didn't want to go, she stood by her choice even though he tried to blackmail her. So hard.
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14-03-2013 13:22 #8
But if it just a verbal agreement that has been ongoing, i would think that you and your daughter are more than capable of making changes to the arrangement. He would need to apply for mediation or the courts to order her to return. In most cases the court appoints a solicitor to speak on behalf of the child and they will listen to her wishes only.
I would let her know she is allowed to change her mind at any time if she decides she misses him etc. But otherwise I think your daughter is old enough to make a decision and understand what that means for all involved.
You have made considerable effort to include him in her life, if he is too busy or not interested in making her a part of his life- i dont blame her for not wanting to go over there. I would also re-inforce that no matter what dad says, stepdad isnt replacing anyone. He is and always will be her dad, but she is allowed to choose not to spend weekends there if thats her wish.
Best of luck.
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