as the title states, I need some reassurance. My DS is 4 months old and I just landed a part time job 8-4 3 x a week & i start this tuesday. I HAVE to go back to work, I don't have a choice. part of me is kind of excited to start using my brain again and get some "me" back, but I am feeling extremely guilty! my mum will look after him 2 days, and then day care 1 day. I'm scared he will like my mum better, or not understand I'm his mum, or that he will think I'm abandoning him. I keep telling myself some
People have to go back full time so at least I get 2 full days with him, but I just can't shake this guilty feeling. Plus, I am on the verge of tears everytime I think about Tuesday & leaving him. any kind words, or advice would be appreciated!
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04-08-2012 17:40 #1
make me feel better about returning to work.
04-08-2012 18:03 #2Senior Member
- Join Date
- Dec 2008
Go easy on yourself. Remember why you are doing this. Its best for your family. Your family won't be "better off' if you don't go to work but you are in crippling debt or lose the roof over your head! Remember that you don't need to be there 24/7 to be a great mum! Your baby won't even remember this. It is you that is agonising (naturally), but your baby will adjust, just like they all do! You aren't causing some permanent psychological damage to your child, as much as some may have you beleive.. Trust me. My mum worked full time from when I was very young. We are extremely close. There is NOBODY who could ever replace her. I certainly have happy memories of playing at childcare as a kid.. I can't recall my baby days at all but I do know that my mum has always been such a huge sense of comfort and support to me from very early on. And I really admire her too. Sometimes we have to do things that are very very hard as parents, but they are necessary. Your baby is going to be safe and cared for. You on the other hand will probably leave feeling pretty awful and with nobody to comfort you! I have done it twice now. Lots of tears in my car on the way to work. But I just got on with it because you have to. Good luck for your first day. X
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04-08-2012 18:04 #3Senior Member
- Join Date
- Oct 2007
You are so firmly imprinted on his brain that he will not and cannot forget you.
The gift you are giving him is a wonderful loving bond with his grandmother. Grandparents have the wonderful ability to love unconditionally and deeply.
I believe we are not meant to live in separate houses, that we are meant to live in a family herd and the older generation are meant to have an influence and role to play with our children.
My kids know, really know their grandparents. Not some stranger on the other end of the phone or funny smelling old person that they see every birthday and Christmas and once in a blue moon. They know their grandparents as I needed my inlaws to help me and they looked after my kids when I went back to work. My mum has my kids on the school holidays. My kids are so familiar with their Nanna's and Grandmas house. They have treasures at their grandparents houses. Theyve heard stories about when the grandparents were kids, seen the houses they grew up in. My kids will always carry those wonderful memories with them forever.
You will come home tired, but having had your own brain space. You will still have to do all the house work I'm afraid, you'll still get the piles of washing to fold etc etc My MIL was happy to hang out washing if I had washed it, or bring it in if I'd hung it out, so organize boundries with your mum and ask her to only do that if bubs is asleep. I also used to have dinner ready to turn on and MIL would turn it on at a set time so at least those nights I didn't have to come home tired and start dinner. Invest in a slow cooker, or cook double sized meals that can be reheated.
Goodluck. I won't lie, it'll feel like your heart is being torn out. But bubs will be in the second best arms in the world.
04-08-2012 18:11 #4
I agree with WCM. I work 2 x days a week and went back when DS was 9 months old. He has been cared for by MIL and my dad (they do one day each) and he ADORES them. He is always so excited to see them and often doesn't even wave goodbye to me when I leave. He has such a close bond with these two grandparents I am so glad I have given him this opportunity to spend time with them. As dad says, he has a strong "support team" (and so do I).
It is really hard going back to work, I dreaded it so much. But it does get easier. Is your boss understanding? Mine was and let me ring and check on DS as much as I wanted to. Good luck
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04-08-2012 18:17 #5
I didn't want to return to work with my first. My daughter was 6 months, but I love going to work now. I actually look forward to it.
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04-08-2012 18:23 #6
Thankyou so much all for your lengthy and beautiful replies. You really have made me feel better!
I'm not on here often, and when I am I seem to see a lot of negative things, but this has given me hope for BH! you are all so lovely, thank you for taking the time to make me feel a little better xxx
04-08-2012 18:45 #7
I had to go back to work when DS was only 8 months old and the company I worked for said it was full time or nothing. I was dreading the day when I would have to hand my baby over to strangers but it turned out that I had the worst case of gastro I've ever had. It was so bad we called for the doctor to come out to me, it was the first time in about 30 years I've had a doctor come to my house.
There were a few things that I used to make sure I did every day with DS to reinforce the bond. Either DF or I would bath with him every night for the physical closeness, we usually co-slept and I always made sure I gave him at least 1 good belly laugh every day.
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04-08-2012 19:20 #8
I went back 5 weeks ago when DS was 6 months old - 3 days a week (2 from home, one from the office). DS goes to family day care 2 days when I work from home but I make them shorter days. On my office day, mum is with him but I am away from him for 12 hours! Like you, I had to return to work and felt (still feel) so guilty! But I love working and I'm so lucky to have flexible arrangements so I can do both! I had anxiety leading up to my return but once I was back I realized it was not so bad at all - its reality for a lot of people these days. As long as bub has love and security. They say it takes a village to raise a baby...
I express at work so it reminds me I am doing something for him. I also still bf overnight and I just love the 4 days a week that we are together 24hrs.
DS has adjusted quite well and is probably a little more clingy to me on our days together and perhaps wakes a little more overnight. My mum loves her days with him and I love that he will be close to his nana! She is so beautiful with him - I feel no worry at all now. But I know how you feel as I felt that way - don't worry, it gets easier!
I use the slow cooker on office days and I do all my baby food prep on a sunday and freeze portions so I don't have to do 'baby takeaway' (the pouch food).
Good luck. Your a great mummy for everything you do for your bub.
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04-08-2012 19:58 #9
I went back to work p/t when DD was 8mths & then was f/t when she was 9mths.
It was hard leaving her, there were tears on both sides at first. I still feel guilty, but I know that if I work then we can save for a house deposit & things will be easier down the track.
I think one thing that I should have done from the start was to have a little farewell-for-the-day ritual instead of trying to sneak out. Much easier now that we say goodbye in the morning & I tell DD I will see her in the evening, we cuddle, kiss, I tell her I am off to work, pick up my bag & she waves me out.
When I pick up DD we have one-on-one time - I don't turn on the TV & try not to pick up my smartphone, we play games & read together. Lots of cuddles too.
DD is more clingy to me & was waking more at night at first but is now sleeping pretty good again.
She has adapted very well & has all her carers wrapped around her chubby little finger - but she still forgets them the moment I walk in. Your bub knows you are his Mummy & won't get confused.
Have a few meals in the freezer is always handy for the nights you are wiped out & CBF cooking. And have stuff to make an easy dinner if need be.
As a PP said, be kind to yourself & remember you are still a great Mum! Good luck!
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05-08-2012 09:06 #10Member
- Join Date
- Jul 2012
I went to work when DS2 was only 5 months. The boys go to my mum's 2 days a week and day care three times a week, I too suffered from the "will they love my mum more than me?" and overwhelmingly guilty feelings.
It's been well over a year now since I've been back and in retrospect it was a whole lot worse in my head than in reality. I mean, the first day of day care was horrendous (for me, not them by any stretch of the imagination), but our day care's fabulous and let me ring anytime I want. And no, my boys don't love my mum more than me, although it's beautiful the relationship that she has with them, I wouldn't change it for the world, neither would she! Mum sends me photo updates during the day, I love it, makes a crappy day @ work go faster to know they're having fun and are well looked after. You also learn to cherish every second that you have with them too!
I think you (and I) are very lucky to have supportive families and one thing that makes me know that my babies still love me is that my mum went back to work when I was only 6 weeks old. I used to go to her mum's, I love my mum no less for this and have a total respect for her in her doing this, especially now I'm a parent myself
Goodluck with it all, you'll be fine!!!
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