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  1. #1
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    Default helping my daughter who is a single mum without being so drained myself constantly.

    I understand that people need support. I understand each persons needs are different and to support in a way that most helps each individual person.
    My daughter is a single mum with anxiety/ health issues and is a great mum and shouldnt have to do so much on her own she works really hard.
    but often i am brought to absolute breaking point because she has always been so high need, so perfectionistic, anxious ocd. striving so hard to be a perfect mum is driving her and everyone around her insane.


    i was a single mum and didnt have caring people around me to help me and i know its so important anything i do .

    But what are things i can help with

    and what are boundaries that can be set

    so that i'm not always on breaking point myself

    whatever is discussed is theory but in practice she understands noone elses point of view and will drive everyone around her ragged. she has done so even before being a sole parent its extremely draining and brings me to breaking point and means that 3 decades later i never can have any time to breathe or down time myself or any time to build a life of my own and time after time its just too much much for me.

    i dont think she should be always alone to do so much
    but i also cant be constantly on breaking point because of all the needs and trying to also do things for my own life or other children.

    any suggestions pls.

  2. #2
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    I guess it depends.

    It really sounds like she might need some counselling to deal with her issues? Perhaps arrange a regular time that you can mind her kids and she can see a counsellor?

    What do you do now? What are you willing to do?

  3. #3
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    Sounds harsh but if she is a pain in the butt when you try to help which that is what it sounds like maybe back of an she can try and cope on her own, sometimes people surprise you when they have to just suck it up and get on with it

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    Mum, is that you??
    Kidding...but as much as I hate to admit it, parts of that could have been written by mother.

    Firstly, it's lovely that you care and are wanting to support your daughter. Is she specifically asking you to help out or are you volunteering without being asked?

    I have sent you a private message

  5. #5
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    Not knowing too much about your situation of your daughter I'm not sure what advice I can give but as a single mum with depression & anxiety I can tell you how my mum has supported me emotionally & mentally

    You sound like a very loving and caring mum!

    Can I ask, does she live with you? Is she working or studying? Is she a mum to an infant, toddler or child? (just trying to get an idea of the situation).

    I'm 25 with a 3 year old son who is really full on right now. I've only been a single parent for 18 months though. I've never lived with my parents since becoming a parent, partnered and then single, as much as I wanted to move back home thinking I wasn't capable of "doing it all" by myself financially, emotionally and mentally, my parents reassured me and I ended up living on my own with me son. I never thought I would of been able to do it on my own, but with the emotional support from my parents, especially my mum, it's really shown me what I'm capable of.

    I didn't have the self esteem to think I could do it by myself, but living on my own, going back to part-time work, and going to counselling and taking medication has really helped me. I financially can't afford the counselling, but my mum has offered to pay for it and it has helped me out heaps. She also looks after my son when I'm there and when I'm at work he is in childcare.

    When I have my "I can't cope" days and I'm not at work I'll normally see what my mum is doing and go over for lunch or tea. It works out well for both of us, my son gets to see his Nanna & Grandpa and aunty and I don't feel so overwhelmed with others around, plus with living by myself it's good company when I'm feeling lonely My son also has sleepovers at his grandparents house every now and then so I am able to get a night to myself or a day to myself just to be able to get the house in order without my little "helper" messing the place up as I go along

  6. #6
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    Hi OP.

    Please excuse that random smiley thing below. It's impossible to edit on my mobile phone!

    Teacup bunny has some really great hands-on advice which I agree with.

    Also, I believe no matter that we have emotional and psychological issues, at some point we have to step up to the mark and be responsible for the life we have created and our parents aren't there to be responsible for that. That might mean, in your daughter's case, that she reach out and get the help of a professional. And in your case it might mean giving her the ability to do that by withdrawing some of the support you give her.

    Things might be so confused and emotionally charged that you might need to use a counselling service to help communicate this to her, and ease your transition and boundary laying with her.

    Best wishes. This is a very delicate situation for both of you but I'm sure she will understand, and grow and blossom with some professional help and a little less relying (and negativity associated) on you for so much.
    Last edited by Willow; 08-08-2012 at 10:28.

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    Hi OP.

    I think this sounds like something my own mother could write.

    I had DS at 18 and have been single since he was one, he has medical needs and I am attempting to study full time so often I fall back on her for help. I know she always offers and tells me to ask her, but I often feel guilty and as though it is not her responsibility.

    Have you tried explaining to her how you are feeling and that you need some time for yourself? Could she look at other options such as day-care etc to provide her time away from her child?

    Please tell us how you are going

  8. #8
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    Sigh. I would give anything just to know my own parents gave a damn about wanting to support me, instead of stating in no uncertain terms that "If you asked me to help you out with the children, I wouldn't do it. No-one helped me."

    I think discussing straight up with her what boundaries you need to set are a starting point. She probably appreciates your help enormously but may have come to rely on it overly, all the same. Maybe stating definite times/tasks you can do and sticking to them would help; if you make yourself too available with little notice, you may be taken advantage of, even if it isn't meant that way.

    I think it's beautiful that you want to support her and the kids so much. I would say "I'm available xx days, or can mind the kids every second Friday evening, am willing to take them while you work/attend appointments, etc." Whatever works for you, so you can both plan your lives around that. At the end of the day, she shouldn't come to depend on you to be there at the drop of a hat whenever she needs someone, as there may come a time when you aren't there- and the best way to help her is to encourage her confidence and ability to manage her own situation, and expand her support networks rather than relying solely on you.
    Last edited by MermaidSister; 26-08-2012 at 18:35.

  9. #9
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    Financially, are you in a position where you might be able to pay for a cleaner for her? Maybe a lady coming in twice a week to clean the house could take a massive load off your daughter, and also off you too. But I don't know if that's something that could be practical, just throwing it out there.

    It's a little thing though that could make a big difference.

  10. #10
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    I am not in a good financial situation yet I often buy many things to my own suffering

    I can't set boundaries as she's often sick and anxious and needs alot of support and privacy so won't take from others

    i try to help even when I can't and I'm often on breaking point from this .

    I


 

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