Which do you use, a tough love approach or a softly softly approach?
Personally, I grew up in an authoritarian house where I feared my parents, feelings were unimportant and we were constantly told to suck it up, get over and move on. For me, it made everything worse and left me feeling unloved, unsupported, unimportant and isolated. My mother, however, was raised the same way and seems to thrive on this approach.
What about you? Do you use one approach with everyone around you or do you adjust to suit the person?
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03-08-2012 11:09 #1
Tough love or Softly softly?
03-08-2012 11:12 #2
A little of both depending on the situation.
03-08-2012 11:13 #3
Mix of both here.
Depending on the child, the situation and the other factors.
Sometimes they need a good "Just get on with it" and other times they need the "Hey, it's alright let's figure this out"
03-08-2012 11:14 #4
I adjust to suit the person and situation.
But I also think that if you have been giving the same advice over and over again, that a bit of tough love is warranted. You can only baby someone for so long.
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03-08-2012 11:14 #5
Ummm well. We are definitely not authoritarian, I don' think it does anyone any favours at all. I don't want my kids to grow up not doing things just out of fear. Or being extrinsically motivated to get rewards either.
I am big on love and understanding and DH is too, but we do have certain 'rules' and expectation. I don't believe in smacking or controlled crying or anything like that - things that make 'Mummy and Daddy the boss no matter what' if that makes sense. I believe in guiding them to make the right decisions but we are trying so hard to make sure they know we wont judge them no matter what because we want them to always come to us...no matter what. I believe in a healthy respect for their parents and teachers but not to the detriment of their inner beliefs and feelings.
So, I dunno what my answer is really! Searching.
03-08-2012 11:16 #6Senior Member
- Join Date
- Nov 2007
I grew up in a household where I always felt loved and cherished. I've never been yelled at by either of my parents. I have had many a lectures from dad though! It seemed to work for us.
I always thought I'd parent in the same manner, however, my DS was born incredibly strong-willed. I actually like this about him because he knows what he wants and [usually] uses this to do good things, like wanting to learn things.
If I take a softly softly approach he tends to try to get bossy with me. His personality seems to prefer structure and knowing exactly what I expect from him.
He's always more than welcome to tell us how he is feeling. He is never told his feelings are silly or unimportant however.
I've actually noticed my mum is tougher on him than she was my brother and I and I think this is due to his strong personality.
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share a book (03-08-2012)
03-08-2012 11:20 #7
Different things different days. Some days softly softly works, some days it doesn't. I just try my hardest to be both consistent and flexible.
03-08-2012 11:56 #8
My boys are all completely different so I really have to KNOW them for ANY kind of discipline to be effective at all.
Oliver and Jordan are extremely rational, risk-takers, free-thinkers, leaders. They like to be given tasks that are self-determinate and only really respond if there is a good reason to.. it can't be emotional, it has to be practical. They will not do something just because it 'feels good' (like helping someone) they will only do it if it is beneficial logically.
So I have to appeal to that with giving consequences for them.
So tantrums are met with a "well.. I'm not doing tantrums, go to your room." and then "So... how is this working for you. Having a good day?" No? Change it.
With Gabriel and Julian they are feelings based kids, so I have to work out the emotion triggering the behaviour first, and then deal with it. Whereas O and J have to storm the emotion through before they can rationally deal with the problem.
03-08-2012 12:03 #9
I adapt to the situation. I will come down hard on some things, let her lead the way on some things, and work things out together with some things.
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Stiflers Mom (04-08-2012)
03-08-2012 12:06 #10has left the building
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- Dec 2008
A little bit of both, depending on the situation. I think the personality of the child makes a difference too, DD1 needs a bit more a tough love aproach on occasion but DD2 responds better to softly softly.
It's hard because sometimes neither approach seems 'right' and then i'm left not sure what to do?
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