Pulling things off a shelf can be dangerous so she has to help put them back.
Wanting to eat sugar for afternoon tea - it's not an option, you don't eat straight sugar, if she asked for something silly I'd give her a couple of other options instead.
Putting on shoes - well she doesn't go to school yet but often doesn't want to wear shoes and then it comes down to where we are. I don't force shoes on her because that is her choice, but I don't let her walk across a car park sans shoes.
Bad language - we explain calmly that those kinds of words can hurt peoples feelings so we don't say them.
If I say no to something that isn't a safety issue I try and make sure I have an apporpriate alternative ready for her. My 18mo I just remove and distract.
View Poll Results: Would you prefer that your child obey you?
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Disobey based on childs own judgement
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03-08-2012 07:04 #11
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03-08-2012 07:06 #12
03-08-2012 07:35 #13
It depends on the situation, but in general, obey me.
The reason is, my sole job is to prepare my children for life outside of me. That means life in the adult world.
The adult world isn't anything like personal development classes.
If her boss tells her to do something when she's older, and she refuses, he's not going to lead her into his office, pour her a cup of milk, hold her hand and say "Now Scarlet, I would appreciate it if you could make a small effort to listen to me. Let's all take deep breaths and find a middle ground where we can all be happy.. Maybe you can give me some suggestions on how to manage your work to make it easier for you?"
No, he's going to give her a warning and fire her if it continues.
And god forbid if she joins the Force and insists on doing whatever *she* wants. She'd not get any further than the open day.
It's a hard fact for P.C parents to grasp, but life isn't about fairness and doing whatever you want to do. Nobody is there to help you or to support your choices. You're on your own. You have to learn to obey others, because there's *always* going to be someone whose got your future clenched firmly in their hands.
I allow her to strike out by herself by giving her scenarios that demand her using manners, independence and self confidence.
For example, every second week she gets 50c. She can spend this on a cone at Hungry Jack's, but she has to take the money to the counter, stand in line, order in a clear and respectful voice, use her manners, and enunciate clearly about what she's asking for.
If she can't do it, I don't help. She needs to learn these things. If she can do it, she gets her own reward. Even better; I don't even give her the reward, the serving person gives it to her.
03-08-2012 07:47 #14
To me it is all about mirroring real life. If you steal something the police aren't going to say "oh well obviously you really wanted that so you can have it." No you'll have to first give it over, pay a fine, maybe go to prison. Now I don't fine my kids or make them go to prison but I do make them give it back. I also encourage an apology.
If you push or hit someone play time is over.
If you get the toys out you have to put them back when you're finished.
But if you don't want to eat your dinner, I'm not going to force it. If you would prefer a drink over a piece of fruit fine. If we're at the park and it's time to go but she wants to stay well what is the harm in negotiating 5 more minutes? Or choosing what to wear? Or choosing which way we walk to the shop?
03-08-2012 07:49 #15
I can't really answer, there are so many different situations/ages/scenarios.
Basically we have rules there for a reason but we also try to raise them to be smart thinkers and make their own decisions.
03-08-2012 09:17 #16Senior Member
- Join Date
- Nov 2007
Hmm probably obey because I don't really expect anything unreasonable. He's only 6 yo so can't make a lot of his own decisions yet but I can't imagine as he gets older I will expect anything unfair.
03-08-2012 09:30 #17
For now, at not yet 3, I'm going to go with obey because her ability to make decisions for herself and understand consequences in a meaningful way is too immature. As she gets a bit older, she is naturally going to to things her own way and the nature of experiential learning is that those are the lessons that are more likely to stick. I can only hope that I will be there to help her get back up, and that I will be strong enough to hold myself back and let her make some mistakes
03-08-2012 09:42 #18has left the building
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- Dec 2008
I'm going to say obey me because i never request anything that is unreasonable and i do give my children choices (limited choices as they are only very little still - ie they can decide between a selection of things i have picked out as acceptable choices, as they get older their choices will become more broad and they can make their own decisions about certain things) but i do accept them obey me if my request is a reasonable one.
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03-08-2012 09:44 #19
I think it's a constant journey of guiding them to be able to think critically. Part of that is setting boundaries and rules but within that explaining the reason for everything and letting the reigns out now and again as appropriate. I am a big believer in learning from natural consequences too.
03-08-2012 09:52 #20Senior Member
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- Dec 2008
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