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  1. #1
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    Default Disappointed and angry at the universe

    This is going to be a vent - I need to get it all out and have a little sob, and am not sure where else to turn right now. DH doesn't understand at all (and hadn't really connected with this pregnancy) - he seems to think you just move on and have another go. We hadn't told anyone else yet, so I hope you'll forgive me having a little rant and rave here.

    This was my first pregnancy and I had my first U/S today at what I thought was 9w+2, only to discover that I had a missed miscarriage sometime around 5 to 6 weeks. The doctor is getting bloods done and will do another ultrasound next Tues just to check I haven't got my dates totally wrong, but I know they're spot on - there is simply no maths that could reconcile his U/S measurement with the date I got my first +ve HCG blood test.

    I've kind of had a suspicion for a week or two now that something was potentially amiss - my symptoms seemed pretty mild to non-existent, and the one obvious symptom I did have (sore boobs) had noticeably declined. So, when he put the U/S probe on my abdomen and I looked at the screen, I knew straight away what had happended. I was shocked, but not surprised.

    I'm kind of alternating at the moment between feeling strong and just wanting to get on and get this over with, and feeling like the universe has played a horrible trick on me by giving me a BFP first month of trying, and then pulling this stunt on me. The universe was on a roll today - when I turned my phone back on this afternoon, my SIL had sent me a photo of her 6 mo for no apparent reason - way to rub it in without ever realising it. Maybe the universe is trying to tell me that I shouldn't be breeding. I'm 35, so I sort of feel like I've brought this on myself.

    I know they say that one miscarriage doesn't put you at increased risk of a subsequent miscarriage, but frankly it sounds like the sort of bs they feed you to try and make you feel slightly less like a failure. The fact is, there is a percentage of women who will have recurrent miscarriages, and they all had to have had a first miscarriage. What guarantee is there that I'm not one of those people? What if trying again simply means having to go through this again?

    I'm frustrated at having to wait until next week to maybe finally get some closure on this. I don't want to pass this naturally - I want a D&C so it can just be over in the least traumatic fashion and fastest way possible - but the OB wants to be sure first and so won't do it till late next week. So, now I'm going to spend the next week worrying that it might start happening before then. It's already been 3 to 4 weeks, so it has to be approaching soon.

    What is probably most awful is that I'm less sad for the baby that will never be - it still hadn't really sunk it that there was an actual baby on the way - but more sad for my loss of the experience of being pregnant.

    That's about it - I don't really have a question, just wanted to be around people who would understand when I threw my self-pity party. Thanks for indulging me and listening. Hugs back to all those of you who've been through this before - reading your stories of coming out the other side of this experience bruised but still intact is about the one heartening thing at the moment.
    Last edited by Gentoo; 01-08-2012 at 23:20.

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  3. #2
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    Sorry for your loss. I am still having a natural mc as we speak. Dont be afraid of going natural. I would say that it is less than a period but with a bit of pain. I am 34 and this was my first pregnancy. I dont know what else to say cos i am not very strong at the moment. Extra bigs hugs.

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    Gentoo  (02-08-2012)

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    Gentoo, i am so, so sorry It's such an awful thing to go through.

    You really need to give yourself time, as much time as you need, to process it because you really can go through a big range of emotions. Don't let anyone else tell you how you should feel, everyone processes it differently.

    I've just had my third early miscarriage this year so i feel your pain. It is VERY common to have a miscarriage though, and it definitely does not mean you are going to go on to have more. I think almost all women who have a miscarriage go on to have perfectly healthy babies, this one just wasn't meant to be.

    I think when you loose one too, it makes you a bit hyper sensitive to babies and pregnant people around you.

    Take care of yourself, you will get through it, just take the time you need for yourself.

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    big hugs!!

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    Sorry I didnt say much last night. Did they see a heartbeat? My baby had heartbeat for 3 weeks but was slowly loosing pulse. My bleeding started when the heartbeat stopped I beleive. I have been looking on internet to see if it was low progesterone . And I have even got dh to go a buy sunflower seeds, that are very good to maintain pregnancy apparently. I have that fear to that it will happen again. We were both able to fall pregnant, so that should give us hope. Ask your dh if he has any questions. My dh started to cry when I did. Then he felt a lot better. Look after yourself in the next few days. Extra extra big hugs

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    Thanks for your words of support. I know there are many women who've been through this and in no way have I been singled out - but it just seems perverse that nature would "design" a system that ends in failure so often. I'm dealing with it better today, but wish it could all just be over already.

    Yesterday was my first scan so I hadn't previously seen a heartbeat. If there's a next time, I will kick and scream and demand an early viability scan, because it would have saved me 2 to 3 weeks of thinking I was pregnant and building up my expectations.

    After looking around the internet, I think I have a blighted ovum - the ultrasound showed what looked like an empty sac - so there was never actually a baby in there. Unfortunately, I think it means that it's largely down to my eggs being old and crappy quality. I haven't had any bleeding yet, so I suspect my progesterone levels are fine - my body obviously isn't ready to let go.

    I haven't really properly talked to DH about it yet. He was with me at the scan, so at least I didn't have to explain to him what had happened. He's concerned about whether I'm okay, but I don't think he's particularly troubled by the pregnancy loss itself. TTC was my idea which he largely just went along with, to make me happy. And last weekend he had a little freak out and said he was already feeling "trapped" by the baby, so I can't help but think that this is a good thing as far as he's concerned. I was putting on a brave face last night and steadfastly not talking about it, and that seemed to satisfy him that all was okay - but it's not. (Don't get me wrong - if I broke down crying, he'd comfort me, but it's not enough - I want him to realise that of course I'm not okay! Of course anyone going through this would not just "be okay"!)

    Enough about me and my self-pity. How are you getting on Kazza? I'm so sorry that you're going through this. As you've said, it's good to know we can conceive, but the thought of having to take the gamble again (when you have personal experience of what could happen) is overwhelming. I hope it's hurting a little bit less for you today - as they say, time is the only real healer. Really big hugs to you, too.

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    very sorry for your loss. All I can say is, I hear you. Everything you wrote. I've been questioning the whole universe thing for a while now.

    With my first loss, my DH didn't really understand. I think when it isn't in your womb, be it your partner or anyone else for that matter, they just can't understand.

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    Gentoo  (02-08-2012)

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    Hugs Gentoo, I am so sorry for your loss.

    I also recently had a blighted ovum and had a D&C for it just over 4 weeks ago. I was almost 8 weeks along at the time. It is really the cruelest blow to face and I know that I have asked all of the same questions that you are asking. I chose to have a D&C as my hcg levels were still really high (but weren't going up like they should have been) so it could have been weeks before I miscarried naturally - and given that I was still suffering ms, etc and we knew for sure there wasn't going to be a successful prengnacy, I just wanted it over with so that I could start trying again.

    Emotionally, I have gotten much stronger as time has gone one but I still have moments when I question why this had to happen to us and if I will ever fall pregnant successfully. I think that it is totally normal to have those doubts and am sure that they will also settle down with more time.


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    Quote Originally Posted by Gentoo View Post
    I'm kind of alternating at the moment between feeling strong and just wanting to get on and get this over with, and feeling like the universe has played a horrible trick on me by giving me a BFP first month of trying, and then pulling this stunt on me.
    I could have wrote these words exactly. We called ourselves the lucky ones. First month of trying for my first baby and I get a BFP! Then at a scan at what should have been 16 weeks, baby is measuring at 12 weeks. Nature's cruelest trick.
    Hugs for you hun. Dont be afraid to let yourself feel what you feel. There is no right, wrong, or even logic to the way you deal with this. It's an awful thing and I am so very scared of trying again and having to go through this again, but at the same time, I am starting to feel like I want to. Just dont push yourself hard. Do things in your time when/if you feel ready.

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    I'm sorry to hear of your loss. It might be more real to your OH once the Dr double confirms. I know this was the case with my OH, as he hadn't understood the timing of when there should be a heart beat etc.
    My OH was really freaked out when I first became pregnant with my 2yo son and after he was born has said he felt no connection to him until he arrived and then only started to feel more towards him once he started to smile. He's super happy to have a son now.
    He still went into a bit of a spin when I became pregnant the 2nd time, even though both pregnancies were completely planned. I still don't understand this myself, but he says it was because it changes things and would take a little while to get used to.
    It can feel like you're unsupported, but blokes just seem to grieve differently. Mine couldn't think of a bunch of cells as a baby yet, so it was easier to have him understand grieving for what could have been or the possibilities of, as you mentioned.

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