DS is 16 months old and everytime DH and I argue he would either hit his own head with his palms and scream or if I was sad and in tears at the time of argument he would cry too and cuddle me until everything's ok. DH and I have always argued on a daily basis for as long as I can remember. We don't get aggressive and no violence involved. Since DS is born I have been trying to argue less or keep my voice level down when I need to complain about something to still keep a smily face so DS won't feel anything different. But a few weeks ago when he hit his head for the first time during an arguement and I am concerned. Since then of we tried to keep normal voice volume and tone when argue, so it sounds like talking but somehow DS can still feel the tension. I tried to ignore DH or step back to avoid arguement but I am not able to sit back and let him do what I believe is wrong. I tried to talk or argue the point later when DS is napping or not around, but DH would just deny everything and dimiss me and the conversation. Grrrrrhhh. So I am interested to know what does your toddler do when you argue with your partner or husband and what do you do when you need to argue about something.
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24-07-2012 16:32 #1
What does your toddler do when you and your husband or partner argue?
24-07-2012 16:40 #2
Don't have much advice. My mum says babies pick up vibes. So even if you don't have an argument you will be upset and DS will feel it. You could just keep doing it hope he becomes immune to it.
24-07-2012 16:45 #3
My ex and I where the same and it actually got to the point DD was so used to us fighting she started laughing at us, this to me made me realise our relationship wasn't healthy and I left.
Is counselling for why you're fighting every day an option?
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24-07-2012 16:46 #4
I'm sorry to say this, but you really need to protect him from any arguments. I disagree that he will become immune to it. I firmly believe that no good can come of children beong exposed to fights and raised voices. You need to learn a better way to communicate with your partner, or go down the back yard when he is asleep.
24-07-2012 17:33 #5-
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Ds used to cry.
The other day when his father and i got into an argument his father got right in my face screaming at me and ds coppied his fathers tone and body language.
I try to keep disagreements civil and calm as i hate ds seeing yelling but his father just looses the plot imediately and turns into a screaming raging bull.
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24-07-2012 17:50 #6
We've only done it once, in the car and DS said "silly daddy" and made us both laugh so we stopped fighting.
I can not stand fighting in front of kids. That is how I grew up and it got to the point where I wanted my parents to divorce long before they actually did. That is no way for a kid to grow up. Kids pick up on everything and it sounds like your DS is very sensitive to it. Please don't fight in front of him or anywhere you think he may hear you.
Talk about the fighting with your partner when your son is asleep and work out a way that you can talk about your problems away from your son.
24-07-2012 17:58 #7-
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Geesus people, it's not healthy to argue in front of your kids!
So hold your tongues, swallow your pride, get rid of the need for an instant 'win' and make nice with the other person if your kid is around! Save the argy bargy for when your kid is in bed or if you co-parent arrange to call the other parent after bed time.
24-07-2012 18:08 #8
That's very sad.
Dh and I both remember a very defining moment for us as parents when we fought badly with our toddler around and he became distressed. We both stopped and both cried with him.
He is 9 now and ever since that day we made a decision to deal with our problems in private. Sometimes it means I get upset and have to bite my tongue till later or even the next day. I have learnt to write him an email or talk on the phone the next day. Sometime we talk about when I know the kids are sleeping. It's not easy and we do disagree in front of them but if it gets heated we agree to talk later.
If these issues keep coming up for you both then I suggest getting a counsellor and someone to baby sit while you go.
I firmly believe fighting around babies and toddlers will have an effect on who they become. Even though they don't remember it.
Last edited by austmum; 24-07-2012 at 18:48.
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24-07-2012 18:27 #9-
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the only time we argue in front of dd, is about her (ie she'll need a nappy change but argue back, and dh will tell her off, and ill say 'just leave her then, she'll tell me when shes ready')
24-07-2012 18:37 #10
DH and I were arguing in front of DS quite a bit and we sought marriage counseling. Now one of us usually will just walk away and exit the situation- then when we discuss the issue later it's so much mor effective as we've had a chance to cool down. DS has never seemed distressed when we argued but that doesn't mean it hasn't negatively affected him.
My parents argued in front of me and my sister a lot. It IS damaging, it is a terrible, terrible thing to do. Kids blame themselves, they learn that's how relationships work and that if you don't get your own way you shout or argue or say nasty things. My sister is quite aggressive and inappropriate in the way she speaks to people and I believe it's from having that behavior modeled to her from a young age.
Please, please stop it. If you can't, seek counseling or you and your partner need to split up.
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