Yes we should stand on our own two feet as adults, but that doesn't mean accepting help makes you weak or spoilt or whatever.
I've always been 100% reliant on myself to see me through any sticky spots, my parents have money but have never gifted me any. DP is somewhat the same although her parents have given her quite a lot she's more than capable of managing herself (or, with me, rather).
It's very strange belonging to a family where giving is the norm as opposed to my family who on the occasions have lent me money, have had a time frame they want it paid back in.
DPs parents paid DP's college fees as HECS wasn't available for them, and have just told us there's no need to pay it back, which we are very grateful for. When SIL left her ex, she and nephew moved back with the ILs and they bought her an almost brand new $17k car and there's no sign of her moving out any time soon. They're also taking her and nephew on a trip to visit family overseas.
That's just what they do... while DPs mat. grandparents are very well off, my ILs have made their money here, they have their own business and 7 properties in Sydney and Melbourne, including their own.
I know they're there if we do ever fall on hard times, but we are doing fine on our own.
They're not throwing money left, right and centre though - when DP lived at home, they charged her $200 rent and that became the money she lived off while studying.
*shrugs* everyone is different. We've never asked to borrow money, but it's nice knowing we have that support if we *do* need it, which I truly hope we won't. They offered to help with paying for fertility clinic fees etc but we don't need to go through a FC anymore and even if we did, I wouldn't want them to pay for it anyway.
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09-07-2012 13:52 #41
09-07-2012 15:13 #42
Personally I think it comes down to responsibility.
As an adult we are responsible for our own actions, decisions and consequences.
I don't begrudge anyone giving or receiving a gift, helping hand or even a bailout. Sh!t happens. Jobs get lost. People get sick. Bills pile up and debt gets out of control.
If people around you can help you out, great.
What I really dislike is when people take that kindness for granted and expect others to pick up their slack.
My ex-sil would rack up expensive phone and c/card bills, regularly. Buy (of be given) expensive furniture, move house, give it all away and then take the furniture from my inlaws. Quit her job just because she didn't like it anymore.
This is the attitude I don't agree with.
09-07-2012 15:37 #43
There is a huge difference between a gift or helping someone out when they need it on the one hand, and hindering someone from learning to support themselves on the other.
I will help DD as much as I can financially, as long as she is doing something with her life. There is more to life than being stuck in a job you hate just to survive. I would much rather DD follow her dreams than spend her life earning money.
Was it Warren Buffet who gave each of his kids $1million on the condition that they didn't spend it on themselves?
09-07-2012 15:47 #44Senior Member
- Join Date
- Nov 2008
My partner is alot older so he was already set up financially when we met..so I am lucky to not have had to worry about buying a house.......We hope to be able to set our daughter up (house ..car) as things in the future will be so much harder...
I recieved a car (mums old one) when I got my licence ..and yes I was very grateful for it..
My parents paid my rent when I was just starting out..I was working but they wanted to help..then at 21 my mum died so I recieved money....I feel very lucky to have what I have ...
I think it's a great thing if your parents help you out .....(prob not when you are in your 20s or older though..unless really needed)
09-07-2012 16:34 #45Senior Member
- Join Date
- Apr 2012
I think that money if given and received in the right spirit can greatly improve the recipients life and shouldnt hinder their ability to stand on their own 2 feet at all. However in some cases (usually to do with attitude) it can go wrong.
I, like many posters have no problem with people receiving help with house deposits/car deposits or one-off cash sums etc. and I will certainly help my children with those things if I am able.
What I will not do though is continue to bail my child out of the same problem (i.e credit card debt) without requiring some serious 'behaviour changes'/financial learning as I think thats what prohibits some people from standing on their own 2-feet (i.e having bad financial/life habits enabled).
Also to the posters who have had people unfriend them/accuse them of being spoilt simply for receiving some kind of gift/$$. That is totally unfair and I think it must be jealousy so pfft to them. (and although I would admit to a moment of jealousy if someone I knew got a large sum of $$ it would not change anything about our friendship unless they then changed and became judgemental of others for not being able to have what they have but I doubt many people do that).
09-07-2012 16:42 #46
If family or someone give you a gift of money, then it's not like you asked for it so nothing wrong with accepting it.
Both my DP and I have never taken any money offered by our parents, put ourselves through Uni and saved up for a house deposit and cars our self. Most if not all of our friends have family who give them a lot. Most of them have no HECS because uni was paid for and they or their partners parents gave them a house deposit.
Dont get me wrong, my DP and i are often green with envy because it seems so easy for some. For us, we are actually happy that we're in our 30s, both at great places in our career, dont really worry about money and have done it entirely off our own backs. I guess its kind of like building a house yourself, each brick at a time. It's a great feeling of accomplishment that you never took any financial help from anyone to do it.
But hey, if someone wanted to drop 50k in our bank account and they didnt need it we prob wouldnt say no!
Last edited by Clementine Grace; 09-07-2012 at 16:50.
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09-07-2012 16:48 #47
We get helped out all the time. Not big wads of cash, but we live in FIL's investment property, for example, so we know we can rely on living here for as long as he owns this property and is living... and that our rent is never going to randomly sky-rocket.
DP has access to his FIL's credit card (he has a card in his name, linked to his Dad's account!) so if we seriously needed the money, we could use it. DP often does for things like car repairs... then pays it back a few weeks later. So we definitely get a lot of help.
Should we stand on our own two feet entirely? Maybe. I dunno. But I am glad that we do get assistance if we truly need it. Nobody will ever give us money so we can go on holidays or anything like that, but they do help us out so we can get out of a sticky situation of need be.
09-07-2012 16:52 #48
An interesting read everyone
09-07-2012 16:59 #49
Helping family is important in our family. Especially financially. Houses are getting so expensive these days, it's ridiculous. Our pays don't seem to be increasing. It's going to get harder and harder for our kids & grandchildren to buy their own homes.
My in laws put a nice chunk towards our mortgage, bought my SIL a brand new car and gave her a chunk towards her mortgage when she moved out. DH's grandmother is also leaving her house to DH and I.
We'll always have help if we need it but we do stand on our own two feet. We live just like anyone else. We pay bills, strata, a mortgage, groceries, we bought a brand new car a few months ago and we still save money.
If we were irresponsible with our money, our family wouldn't help us at all.
09-07-2012 18:06 #50
I just look at it that what would my kids value/appreciate more - memories/moments with mum and dad at home a majority of the time or mum/dad working away 12hrs a day or even on contract and coming home every couple of weeks for a weekend kinda thing?
Will they say thank you for being there or will they say thankyou for working so hard to stand on your own two feet.
I am not saying this for anyone else in thread, just that in my circumstance if we wanted to fund the lifestyle we currently have with the help of family it would mean hubby having to work away in the mines or overseas as a chippy in Asia or perhaps driving trucks on night shift or that sort of thing. For us that is not something we think is in the best interest of OUR family, so we opt to accept the help offered by others.
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