My parents have helped me out heaps in the last 6 months but I really needed it. I'm good with money though and I haven't asked for anything, they've helped because they knew I was in a bad situation. I have actually refused money a few times that they've tried to give me and I fully intend to repay them once settlement is finalised with XH.
My XH though is terrible with money and his dad just keeps handing it over. I think XH needs to get himself out of trouble or learn HOW to not get in trouble in the first place rather than always being bailed out by his dad…… after settlement of course lol.
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09-07-2012 10:12 #11
09-07-2012 10:13 #12Senior Member
- Join Date
- Mar 2008
I used to be very proud of my ability to be independent.
Then I got very sick, and had to humble myself to receive help. Not just money, but people's time too.
It was VERY HARD. I am so grateful for those people though, and have learnt a lot.
I don't think we should kid ourselves. No matter how willing we are to work hard, sacrifice, plan etc, anyone can fall on bad times.
Last edited by OurLittleBlessing; 09-07-2012 at 10:35.
09-07-2012 10:14 #13
If parents are in a good enough financial position and want to help their kids with a home deposit or first car then that's fantastic. I'd do the same for DD.
If your constantly getting hand outs for this and that and not really standing or even trying the stand on your own 2 feet then, yes I think it's bad.
Also I think helping out it times of emotional or financial hardships is well a MUST. Just because our kids grow up doesn't mean we stop caring and helping.
09-07-2012 10:15 #14
For me it would depend on who it is too. If my father suddenly came into money and wanted to pay off the house I would take it without question. Not that it will happen lol. But my brother just gave me $10 in a card for my birthday and it felt bad taking it because he is so reliant on others financially at the moment.
09-07-2012 11:43 #15Senior Member
- Join Date
- Jan 2009
I don't think it's an issue spreading wealth from one generation to another, through inheritance, or even a larger gift in life (say for a house deposit).
What I think is problematic is adult children who are constantly propped up by their parents throughout life, as it doesn't force them to become truely independent. I don't mean a situation where there has been a sudden relationship breakdown, or the adult child has a physical or mental illness and needs support though, or even very young adults while they are studying.
For example, my dad's parents weren't wealthy at all, but they always propped him up, with a few thousand here, a few thousand there. It allowed him to keep operating a business that he should have closed and also to live beyond his means. Now they're dead, and he's still in a bad financial position.
My partner has also had quite a few clients who are on the dole (which is next to nothing) but they manage to live on it as they are living with their parents, not paying rent, utilities or food. Some of these people are in their 30s, 40s, 50s and are capable of working, and they would find a job if mum and dad started charging them board or showed them the door. Rather, they just spend their dole money on computer games and illicit substances and bludge. I certainly wouldn't tolerate that with my children, if they were otherwise able to work.
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09-07-2012 12:00 #16
I think it totally depends on your family dynamic. I think you can be independent and also accept gifts from family members - I don't believe they are mutually exclusive.
I totally think it depends how you view money and how you were raised and what role you see money as having in your lifes.
In my family, there is alot of support given but at the same time; we have always worked hard. We worked in the family business from the age of 12 and I still continue to do all the bookwork for my fathers businesses/super etc.
We also do alot to help in other ways - repairing his house, organisnig things for him, whatever we can do to help really.
In my family we kinda see as shared resources - if dad has money for somethign we don't he will help us out, if we have a skill that he doesn't have we will help him out.
It doesn't make us take stuff for granted and it doesn't make us any less adult.
At the end of the day, anything he helps wiht we would otherwise go without. There has been times in the past when he has bailed me out of a credit card or what not but now I have grown up it is more helping us have a better quality of life. He enjoys seeing us have it now rather then waiting for him to die and it doesnt impact on his own quality of life so why not.
I think the big difference though in our family that we see it as a generation thing - his goal has been to help set us up with the extra things in life so we can focus on getting out mortgage paid off adn hopefully provide a decent quality of life to our children. Hopefully by 40 we will have our house paid off, living comfortable and be able to ongive to our kids. All things dad has helpt us with to set up our house will not be things we need to buy for ourselves and we can direct that extra money into savings for our kids to help them buy a house etc.
I think it is selfish to take money without trying to offer the same to your own children.
FWIW - my MIL gives her son/children NOTHJING. She makes them pay for their own meals when we eat out, won't buy a round of drinks - I think its miserable and pathetic. It doesnt create independence its creates a distant, horrible relationship IMO.
I could never imagine seeing my kids struggle if I had the means to help them - NEVER.
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09-07-2012 12:05 #17
I come from a semi-communal culture where family profit from others success, so family invest in other family members futures for the mutual benefits. It's standard to expect a family member to hire another family member before offering the job outside of the family and if someone is having a hard time everyone pitches in to support them.
There are several examples of dead weight in our family, but we love them more than we want them to contribute, so it's not a big issue and they do contribute to the family in other ways, we don't keep a ledger of good works, monies and other things.
09-07-2012 12:16 #18
I do also think that as with life, different things work for different ppl so what works in our family wouldn't work for everyone. Im not saying one is right or wrong, just different.
I probably do sound spoilt but we really live a very modest life - we moved to the country to get a small mortgage we could afford, we don't go on holidays and never had a honeymoon. I don't buy designer clothes or anythign flashy and then expect dad to pay my way cos I spent my wage on other things.
Hubby and I work full time and both run small business on the side, so we probabyl work an average of 60hrs per week.
The things we have been helpt with were wedding, house deposit, cars adn then stuff for our place - like whitegoods, water tank, hot water service, new oven, wood fire etc etc. These are thing that if we had to buy ourselve we would have just got a basic one and paid it off, it may have lasted a yr or two and probably needed replacing. With dads help we have got good quality items that will hopefully last a lifetime.
09-07-2012 12:25 #19
I also don't think its that much different to accepting money from the Government either.
Should you not accept hand outs from the Governemnt because you should be able to manage on your own as an adult?
I know ppl/their partners pay tax etc, but its about contributing and recieving in a system that is supposed to make it fairer and a better life for all.
I have never got a cent of the governemnt (excpet that money we all got was it a grand or $600 or something a few yrs back). A trip to the GP costs me $40 out of pocket, I get no concessions on medication, transport or anything else.
09-07-2012 12:30 #20
Buttoneska, you seem really defensive about it, everything ok?
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