DP and I had planned on TTC at home (turkey baster style ) with known donor sperm but our donor backed out. So we started budgeting for IUDI at a clinic and were planning on TTC in Dec this year.
Today one of my very close gay male friends offered to donate to us if we are interested. I am, I really am. I was *so* disappointed when known donor 1 backed out, because I loved the idea of doing it at home with DP rather than in a clinic and now I don't know... I do want that, and the $$$ is a massive bonus and I do like the idea of having that sense of knowing the donor, also giving my friend the chance to have that although he wouldn't be 'dad' but maybe Uncle J...or something.
But I also have grown to like the idea of anonymity and a clinic.
I also have to think about what would potentially be better for future child (bearing in mind I have a raft of abandonment issues c/o of my bio father). Also, the fact that we could start trying once everything including STIs etc have been checked out is tempting and it's not bound by costs.
So just wanted some thoughts please.
DPs at work and I messaged her telling her what my mate said but she hasn't replied so I'm overthinking everything until she does!
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01-07-2012 19:25 #1
Thoughts and opinions please!
01-07-2012 19:43 #2
I think your friend's offer is worth considering. You know who the person is, you like their personality and your child will know who their bio father is. While I see the benefits of an anonymous donor I personally would rather someone I DO know.
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01-07-2012 19:46 #3
If it were me I would use a donor I knew. Mostly because I would want my child to have easy access to family medical history.
I would also suggest getting a legal document drawn up stating exactly what everyone wants.
Good luck parenthood is very exciting l
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01-07-2012 19:51 #4
PROS OF KNOWN DONOR:
1) Can do it at home with DP
2) Will know and have access to current information about donor - medical history etc.
3) Another male figure in baby's life (would be an uncle type figure)
4) Giving my friend the opportunity to create life as well
6) Can start whenever we like (not determined by clinic!)
7) Would be willing to help us with subsequent pregnancies
8) Bub wouldn't have to wait until 18 for donor identity to be released
1) Will have to make the boundaries re: donor/father relationship very clear - so will have to write contract etc.
2) DP doesn't know him and I do - would this be an issue for her? Don't think so, we'll see.
3) Will it be expected that I 'return the favour' in the future? (Not necessarily a con - I would love to pay it forward eventually anyway)
4) Will have to do semen screening etc.ourselves - clinic does it already
5) May take longer than conceiving in a clinic, but then again, can try every month as we won't have to pay for sperm..
01-07-2012 19:52 #5
My issue is, we so badly wanted to do it with a known donor and got burned by known donor 1. So we talked ourselves into doing it at a clinic and now I guess we have to try to remember all the reasons we wanted to do it ourselves first.
Knowing him, his character and that he is a wonderful guy is really wonderful though. I'm sold based on that, honestly.
01-07-2012 19:54 #6
We'd definitely have a contract, that's not negotiable.
01-07-2012 19:57 #7
I think, why not!? You know what, your journey sounds way more thoroughly planned out and thought through than so many others, so I don't see a problem. For example, women having babies within unhappy relationships etc..
look at the pro's and con's for your situation:
You are obviously in a long term, happy relationship.
The "donor" is totally understanding of your situation and is happy to help you (no issues with him abandoning you and baby, no explaining to your child in the future where his daddy is- I'm assuming the child will know this man is his bio father from early on?
And like you said, why bother with the sterile environment of a clinic when you can avoid that as well as the massive costs? This is obviously something you have wanted for a long time now and you have as much right as anyone else to have a child. How you concieve this baby is noone's business but your own. I'm sure there are millions of kids born via one stands, unplanned! So your baby being implanted via turkey baster is better than sex with a stranger, lol..
I'm sure the finer workings out will be considered here. How does this guy's own parent's feel about having a grandchild in this fashion? Will you guys all undergo counselling as a group? Will there be a legal contract?
I wish you happiness and the best of luck!
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01-07-2012 20:03 #8
I think he has discussed it with his family and friends as he mentioned that in his message last night. We are having dinner (him and I) tomorrow night anyway, so I guess we can discuss it in more detail then.
I think we will definitely do some kind of group counselling so everyone is on the same page. Possibly would write up the contract together and go over it with a psych or someone to discuss the ins and outs?
His message to me said:
If things haven't changed since last time we had coffee...after some long, hard thinking and mulling over, consulting friends, family and such and also considering you are a gorgeous, loving human being, I am texting you now to offer my assistance, if wanted, to help your lovely lady and yourself start a family.
BMJ, I can't even tell you how long this has been on the cards for. This seems like a sign - my best friend of 20 years texted me this morning saying she had a dream I had a baby girl, and then DP and I were talking about TTC last night saying how we didn't want to delay it beyond December at all.
And then this. Head spin!
01-07-2012 20:03 #9Senior Member
- Join Date
- Mar 2008
If you are all on the same page I think it is incredibly cool to have a known donor. But it really does need to have boundaries - no matter how wide they might be.
We have friends who have a child in complicated circumstances and it is challenging for them. Not quite the same but some similarities. Happy to expand.
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01-07-2012 20:03 #10
I'd go with known...
I'm friends with two people who were adopted. It is not the same as being a donor sperm, but the same in the sense that they don't know their bio parents etc.
The first person I knew went on, got married and his wife fell pregnant.. Long story short, the baby was medically terminated at 26 weeks due to major deformities. The doctors questioned whether it was genetic etc, but they were never sure due to him being adopted, they questioned whether they'd have more kids and went through numerous tests!
Second friend was similar, and has many questions etc. for these alone would steer me towards knowing the donor!
Good luck with your choice
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