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  1. #1
    TimTamsandTea's Avatar
    TimTamsandTea is offline ...if only all relationships were so perfectly sweet!
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    Default Should I have put my own feelings aside to offer her support?

    So I have a friend who is facing a particular issue at the moment.

    She and I have very different opinions on this issue.

    I don't want to turn this thread into a debate nor do I want to offend any bh members, so I won't identify the issue.

    So this evening, we were having a chat when the issue was raised. My friend launched into detail about this issue.

    Wanting to respect her feelings but recognising I really didn't want to discuss this issue with her I said:

    "I appreciate that you need to talk about this issue. It's important that you work through this and get the support you need. I just think that given my personal feelings about this issue, I'm not in a position to give you that support".

    I said this in a calm and respectful manner. I let her finish what she was saying before I said this.

    After 30 or so seconds of silence, she hung up on me.

    She called back later in the evening to tell me that I was selfish and unsupportive and indeed not a real friend because "real friends listen and show support regardless of their own feelings or beliefs on an issue".

    She then hung up and I haven't heard from her since.

    So the whole thing has left me wondering.

    Did I do the wrong thing?
    Last edited by TimTamsandTea; 28-06-2012 at 23:15.

  2. #2
    HugsBunny's Avatar
    HugsBunny is offline Once upon a time there was a bunny.........
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    I think it depends on the issue tbh.

    I once had a friend of a friend commit suicide. I told my friend that I thought suicide was possibly THE most selfish thing a person could do because while they're 'suffering' was over, they'd left a multitude of people behind to pick up the pieces. In spite of this, I told my friend that I would be there for her in whatever capacity she needed regardless of my personal feelings as she had lost a close friend.

    I thought I was doing the right thing (I was young) but it spelled the end of our friendship.

  3. #3
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    I think you have done the right thing. I would agree to disagree on most issues however if it was something that was making you upset you have every right to respectfully say what you did.

    The only thing I can think of where I would do this is if someone was having an abortion for selfish reasons. I just couldn't stay scilent and support that.

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  5. #4
    Bonkers is offline wishes she was a glow worm. A glow worm's never glum, 'cos how can you be grumpy when the sun shines out of your bum?
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    I think it depends on the issue. If you believe strongly in something yet your good friend had to go against that, I still think you should talk about it if they need to. Your good friends for a reason. I personally put all my beliefs aside if a friend has a issue an needs to talk about it. And I'm sorry I prob would of hung up on you to. She must of thought you would of been there for her, an then you wernt, what kinda friend dose this? No matter what te issue is, sorry that's my opinion, and I do hope you work it out.

  6. #5
    headoverfeet's Avatar
    headoverfeet is offline The truth will set you free, but first it will **** you off. -Gloria Steinem
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    There are a few things I couldn't support so I don't blame you for doing what you did, hopefully with time she will understand and you can both move past the issue.

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    I also think the issue in question matters, not because of exactly what it is, but how important it could be in the grand scheme of things. It sounds like a biggie, and it's clearly something you feel quite passionate about.

    So, that said - I think what you said was polite, respectful and supportive.. It sounds to me like you don't feel "qualified" (if that makes sense) to support her on this decision so any attempt by you to do that would be fake and dishonest. I'm not sure why sometimes people expect you to just agree with them or support them on something that (they probably know) you are against.. Not just giving lip service doesn't make you a bad friend IMO, but an honest one. To me that would be very valuable, but some people really can't handle that.

    Maybe this is an issue she needed to take to another friend who didn't have the same passionate views .

    I'm sorry you are feeling bad and I hope your friend comes to see that this was obviously hard for you too.

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    If you feel as strongly as youndonon
    The topic (whatever it is), you did the cirrect thing IMO.

    You'd be lying and faking it otherwise. Obviously your friend needs you, so if I were you id call her and say you'd be happy to listen, but you can't agree with it. Unless of course you're so passionate about it you'd be willing to lose the friendship.


    Good luck!

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    Well said melzey!!

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    yeah I think you probably did the right thing, depending on the issue etc



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    I wouldn't say you did the wrong thing, but (hard to say not knowing the issue) I always listen to what my friends have to say even if I don't agree- even if I strongly disagree, I will just not say anything, grit my teeth, and just be there to listen.

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