I wouldn't allow sleep overs or my mil to have unsupervised care of my kids (my mil doesn't because she won't respect my wishes and always knows best). I also wouldn't air my families dirty laundry on facebook by b*tching about my mil's behaviour on there. I only negatively discuss her on bh and that is because nobody on bh knows who I am or who she is. You are both in the wrong here; her for her behaviour, you for your public response to it.
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25-06-2012 08:51 #31
25-06-2012 09:17 #32
Pesca77 - I didn't go and get them due to the fact that SIL had assured me that the pillow had been removed from her cot and she would keep a close eye on things from then on. Once I knew the immediate danger was over I looked at what would happen if I went round ere. It was about 1 am at this point, so going over would not only involve waking the children and dragging them halfway across the city in the middle of winter, which isn't good for DD2's breathing either, but it would also have involve a massive screaming match with MIL. There's no way I would have been able to just collect the kids, say a few stern words and leave. I would have Lost. My. Sh*t at her and I don't think that knowingly putting my kids smack bang in the middle of a confrontation like that was a good idea either.
Again, I usually don't agree with b****ing people out on FB. I didn't name and shame her, it went along the lines of "I'm still extremely hurt and upset by a certain someone doing XYZ with DD2". I told her to read it specifically because of Boobycinos remark and another friend who's a NICU nurse who wrote a heart rending reply about working to resuss babies that have been brought in after being smothered by loose bedding, stuffed toys and pillows. I don't care that she has involved GMIL, I have no relationship with the woman, neither do any of my children and I will never allow them to have a relationship with her. I have it on good authority that she knew that two of her daughters were being sexually abused by her partner and did nothing. There's a reason MIL turned out the way she has, the apple didn't fall too far from the insane asylum.
As for us rebuilding a relationship, I simply have no interest in that, hence me snapping and putting it on FB. After everything we've been through in the past six months, she picked an awfully bad time to pull something like this with me. In my eyes she has not only treated me cruelly when I have been at my lowest, she has risked my child's life knowingly and with no remorse. I'm still not convinced this wasn't some mind game she was playing to mess with me. She knew I was against her sleeping her on pillows. Why post it on FB where I was certain to see it, why send me a pic text of it to make absolutely sure I saw it? I'm glad she did because now the situation has come to a head and I know her for what she truly is. But holy crap, what a thing to do just to prove a point to your DIL that you know best and will act accordingly. Unforgivable doesn't even come close if you ask me.
25-06-2012 09:28 #33
I didn't know your back story ( until now) but can I ask if this woman is so bad and she has not listened to your instructions before and you genuinely do not like her why would you allow your kids, especially a sick 6 month old baby, to spend the night under her supervision? I guess I just don't understand that bit?
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25-06-2012 09:29 #34Senior Member
- Join Date
- Mar 2008
I know EXACTLY what it is like to get to the point where you just snap and not care what you write or where you write it.
Your MIL is seriously messed up. That she would knowingly and willingly endanger a child is frightening in the extreme.
FWIW I think you have handled it well and have been extremely reasonable in the circumstances.
25-06-2012 09:46 #35
As much as I dislike her, I did not believe for a second that she would outright lie about what she was doing with my kids.up until that point I still firmly believed that if I asked her to do a specific thing with my child than she would do it, in that instance. I was very nervous about sending DD2, DP convinced me it be ok as SIL was there and could keep us informed on the goings on.
I didn't trust that it wasn't just my anxiety disorder working overtime, or my dislike of her clouding my judgement. Needless to say I will not be ignoring my intuition like that again. Lesson learnt.
Last edited by DaughteroftheForest; 25-06-2012 at 09:48.
25-06-2012 10:08 #36
I really don't know if I would cut her out, but I would be really angry and not keen to see her anytime soon.
I remember all the dog "stuff" (for want of a better word), just didn't remember it was you
But I know I was appalled then that she wouldn't lock the dog up when it was trying to bite, and did bite, your DD. Add this to that and I have to think that she doesn't really have your kids best interests at heart. I mean even without your DD2's breathing issues, babies should not sleep with pillows. DS didn't have one until he was over 2!
Like I said in the other thread, I wouldn't have been at all happy about the pillow, but would have been angrier about the all lying. It would certainly make me loose trust if I was you.
I think you are being generous with the dinner idea and hopefully she can learn and realise she was majorly in the wrong. Though I too think it could be harder for her to admit her mistake after it being on FB. But what's done is done and I understand needing to vent.
25-06-2012 10:28 #37Senior Member
- Join Date
- May 2007
I think you need to also think of your DP in this situation- this is HIS mother you wish to have no contact with.
As a mother of a child who has been hospitalised numerous times and then had ongoing issues which requried constant supervision, I cant get past the fact that if it were such an issue why let the baby stay over in the first place and then why leave her there after the MIL outright lied.
To me (and only MY opinion) maybe ther were issues before this and you are over-reacting to this to make it so you dont have to deal with the MIL anymore.
You agreed to let the SIL get involved so therefore of course its going to blow up and everyone(GMIL) will want to have their say.
At the end of the day this is your DPs mother and you need ot respec tthe relationship he should have with her- if you dont let her see the kids alone then at least take them ther enow and then and have her over and put up with it for your partner and childrens sake.
How would you explain to your children why they are not allowed to stay with MIL anymore- or why dont you go over to MILs house with them etc...
25-06-2012 10:29 #38
haven't read all the replies...
but no. Not for that. No I wouldn't.
And I certainly wouldn't put it up on FB.. IMO that's a trite vindictive.
But I don't use facebook for much personal stuff these days. only positive things
25-06-2012 10:38 #39Senior Member
- Join Date
- Nov 2007
Is there a way for your DP to facilitate their relationship without you having to be involved?
As in, no more sleepovers but him visiting with the kids so she can see them but him supervising to ensure that the dog isn't attacking them and your DD2 isn't at risk of being put down on pillows etc?
The way she speaks to you and treats you, when you have already been through more than any human should have to, probably isn't very good for your health. You're under enough pressure as it is without her constantly berating you about the way you parent and run your life
25-06-2012 10:57 #40
I understand where you are coming from, but I do kind of resent the implication that I am charging ahead without thought to how my DP or my children feel.
Firstly, DP has been involved every step of the way. I showed him when I first saw the photo on FB, I told him what SIL had told me, he was sitting right next to me when I rang her, he agreed with me that we should leave them there for the night rather than cause a scene in front of them, I asked him before I told her sister that it was ok to get involved, he has read all my correspondence with her, he read my FB post before I posted it, he read the message I sent MIL and okay'd it before I sent it. He's been privy to the entire situation from start to here. We've talked in depth about how this has made us feel and what we want to do about it and his stance is remarkably similar to mine. He knows damn well that if my mother behaved in the same way my response would be the same. He has told me what he thinks we should do, but has also said that he will respect whatever I ultimately decide to do because as much as he feels angry and betrayed by his mothers actions, he recognises that this situation has hit me harder than him.
I would never just go ahead and act however I liked towards a member of is family without his ok. If I did I wouldn't be his *partner*, would I? As for the kids, the ONLY reason I am thinking about allowing her to come around here and see them under supervision is because I think it's unfair on them to cut her out and have said as much to her in my message to her. If I thought for a second that they had no real attachment to her that would be that for me. But because of DD1 specifically (DD2 being so little she wouldn't miss her and DS not being her actual grandchild and none too fond of her tbh, he's old enough to know when someone is being mean to his mother) I will continue contact with her, but only in such as a way as to make absolutely certain my kids safety is upheld to MY standards.
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