i think if you want to see your family, then he needs to suck it up.
id also pull them up on their rudeness, its not appropriate.
im glad our families get along (then again my mums are as patient as saints) but i couldnt enter a serious relationship if they clashed from the start
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24-06-2012 15:40 #11-
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- Feb 2010
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24-06-2012 16:13 #12
I wouldn't worry.
U and ur DH are on the same page regarding the issue, so there is no problem.
If the question why DH is never around, just say he is at "insert hobby here"
If he knows they r coming around, ask him to stay for ten minutes, jus do they can see him, it's not long enough for him to get annoyed at them and for conflict to brew, just have him all set to go to do "such and such"
24-06-2012 16:23 #13
See I loathe most of DHs family. They are self absorbed, arrogant and lazy. My children are forever forgotten and treated like they are less than his sisters kids by his folks. But they are his family, so I suck it up the 10 or so times a year we see them and put a smile on my face for a few hours.
If your hubby is so dead set against having anything to do with them, it's up to him to make them aware of why. It's not your problem so why is he leaving you in such an uncomfortable position. If he has chosen this path that's all well and good. But he is making life harder by leaving it hanging. Also him saying something might jolt them into pulling their heads in.
24-06-2012 16:29 #14-
- Join Date
- Apr 2012
And Dr Phil is always right!
Last edited by VicPark; 24-06-2012 at 18:03.
24-06-2012 16:32 #15
24-06-2012 16:38 #16Senior Member
- Join Date
- May 2008
Oh what a horrible situation, I feel really sad for you.
I think its good you are happy for him npt to have much to do with them, but at the same time I think a couple of times a year he might need to just suck it up for your sake IF its needed (ie Christmas or whatever). But I agree with you that forcing him to see them regularly would be a disaster.
I do think maybe if your family ask, as hard as it would be, you might need to be open and honest with them. You can see yourself why he doesn't want to be around them, maybe just gently explain that he feels he is not good enough for your dad because of the things he says, and explain (again gently) to your mum that she drives men away by picking at them constantly and he feels hurt and uncomfortable around her. I think this one is particularly important as you said shes started picking at your sons, so it will most likely have to come up sooner or later anyway- might as well knock it on the head before it starts becoming an issue with the kids.
They will probably be really defensive at first, but will hopefully come around to see that they can hurt people with their behaviour. If not, I guess not a lot will change but I guess they'll at least stop asking why hes never around.
Hope you can find a way to deal with it, its such a hard position to be in
24-06-2012 16:39 #17
I am with Dr Phil. I would just tell them he doesn't see them because they treat him badly, and leave it at that. They're not going to change, so there's not much point trying to talk to them at length.
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24-06-2012 16:57 #18
I don't particularly like my inlaws and I HATE my SIL. I have told my OH when they come out here to visit she isn't welcome in our house. We have compromised by saying I will go and see them (they have rented a self service house thing) so that I can leave whenever I choose but that I won't be out in a situation where I have to ask them to leave. When they Skype us OH just does it away from me and I'll wave at the start and end of the convo but that's it.
I think if you want to see your family regularly and they ask about him you'll just have to be honest with them. Yes it'll be hard but they have to accept that this is how he feels and that it is their behavior that has caused it.
Last edited by LaDiDah; 24-06-2012 at 17:00.
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24-06-2012 18:00 #19
They are arrogant, lazy and selfish. But they have some good qualities too.... for me... NOT dh. Like you said FairyFloss- he's done it for 10 years and they haven't changed.
I have spoken to my Mum about things before, I've spoken to my Dad too... but they just keep doing it.
I guess I just wanted to see what other people do or say when their OH doesn't want to be around their family... does the family even care? Do they ask "where's ...........?" or "why don't we ever see ............?"
I will be honest... but I don't think it's going to be recieved very well!!... but you know, just thinking about it then... if they can't take it on board, and they decide to shut me out... then it's really no big loss anyway!
Last edited by OJandMe; 24-06-2012 at 18:03.
24-06-2012 19:10 #20
If the issues have been made clear. Is it possible for you to say to them they need to cut the crap or not be around your children?
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