I am struggling with a troublesome pregnancy this time (#2) and have been asking for help from friends and family.
My Mum is already getting on my nerves and I don't know if I can cope asking her for help anymore.
When she does something nice for me(or anyone) she expects a celebratory parade of thanks. She gets mad if I don't make a song and dance about her amazing kindness and what a great Mum she is. It drives me nuts!!! I can barely walk, let alone look after my toddler with ease and with her constant neediness I feel like she is being selfish.
A simple thank you is not enough and she sulks if she does not get her required level of appreciation. When she asks if I need anything she will only do it if it suits her, if I say No, please don't do that i really need this other thing done. She flounces off and argues with me, telling me I don't appreciate her. Or just ignores my No and does what she wants. I then end up in the same place without help doing the things I can't.
She is always been really childish, but I cannot keep on dealing with what feels like two babies in my condition.
I feel like I am better off getting help from others to save my sanity. But DS loves her so much and she gets really jealous and stropy if I ask MiL for help.
I know she loves us, but I feel like she is just so needy of attention that she ends up picking a fight with me about everything. From how I discipline DS to me not eating the soup she made me fast enough. It is like the conflict makes her feel important and she needs to have her opinions on everything made to be the most important. Who cares about DS and my opinions on raising our child.
I know I need to have boundaries, but she does not listen to my "No Mum" just sees it as a chance to argue
Has anyone else got a controlling, manipulating mother who they have managed to tame? I don't want to have to cut her out during this pregnancy, but the friction is getting to all of us.
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23-06-2012 14:46 #1
How do I deal with my mother? Sorry bit ranty
23-06-2012 14:59 #2
Just wanted to offer some cyber hugs. I know exactly how you feel.
My mother is the same. We have a very strained relationship due to the childhood my siblings and I had thanks to her and my dad. She has always been needy and refuses to acknowledge anyone else having problems because even then they are all about her.
Your mother sounds extremely narcissistic like mine and unfortunately until they admit they have a problem and are willing to fix it, there is no solution apart from minimising contact. I am lucky in the way that DP and I relicated for his work from Sydney to Perth and the distance is amazing! Haha
I have no advice on how to tame them. I have even reduced phone calls to her, which is sad for DD as she adores her (well she did until the last visit where my mum constantly belittled her and spoke to her like she was scum of the earth, due to her having a new grandson to cherish and dote on)
I ended up telling her that if she didn't want to "play" nice, then she would no longer have the priveledge (which after the way she treated me growing up, is exactly what it is) to come an visit to see her daughter or grandchildren. She was not impressed with that but I have had enough and will not have my children exposed to someone so toxic.
Sorry I can't be more help, but just know you are not alone with this unfair problem. I hope things get better and if I were you, I'd be asking MIL for more help if she is kinder and easier to deal with than your mother. You don't need extra stress while you're pregnant.
23-06-2012 15:13 #3
Thanks so much for the support and kind words. I do think our Mums sound similar. My parents (mostly mum) put me on an emotional roller-coaster from the age of five and i guess i am so angry. And she too is the only one who can have issues that are important.
I just her to say sorry for all the inappropriate crap she dumped on me all my life and it is now my turn for some unconditional support.
I love the idea of moving away, but she'd probably follow us or threaten to kill herself.
25-06-2012 21:21 #4
My parents are the same.. My dad expects praise all the time, wants me to call all the time, wants to see me all the time... to talk about how great he is and how much support he gives us.. (NONE!) But hey... he bought me a lamp for our wedding 10 years ago... And took O and J for 2 nights last Christmas vacation.
My Mum is manipulative and argumentative.. and so so negative about everything.
We don't see them a real lot. DH refuses to see them at all.
Can you just minimise contact? How does your DH handle it?
My MIL is a saint.... I just ask her, I'm sure it makes mum jealous, but MIL is more help than her, and that works for me.. so she can just suck it up, it's not about 'her' it's about our family.
So if your MIL is more help, just ask her! I'm sure DH would like that, and so would she... as a Mum of five boys I really really hope that my DIL don't cut me out because they are relying on their Mums all the time... Boys have mothers who want to be involved and help too! MIL's are not a 'lesser' choice just because they are on daddy's side.. they are just as much grandparents.
So if she'd be more help, ask her.. she'll love it.. and your Mum can just go jump.
26-06-2012 06:15 #5
I calmly asked my mother to give me a little space as I was stressed and angry and did not want to fight with her. She overreacted to this and behaved like I'd asked her to neck herself. Called 20 times and left abusive messages all about her (as usual) and how she feels and I am so selfish, bishy, cruel and need therapy. She just needs to have the final word on everything.
I stuck my ground though and did not answer her calls or fight in any way. My best friend reminded me that Mum feels important when she can have a fight. She has done that all my life.
We have asked my MIL (who is very generous) for a little help. She is going to try when she can to pop in. He herself has 7 kids and 15 grandchildren so is busy with all that. She is also 70 and not 100% well, so I feel terrible asking for help.
My husband is looking for a babysitter who can help out too.
He does not engage with my Mum. Thinks she is crazy and cannot understand why I cannot just ignore her behavior. Difficult to explain really, it just triggers anger in me and I guess that is her goal.
Thanks for the words
28-06-2012 15:45 #6
OMG... That sounds like somethung my mother would do. I'm sorry she reacted that way. But I promise it will be beneficial to everyone.
Would you be willing to get a mothers helper for one day a week to do all the things you can't do? That may be an option as well as assistance from MIL...?
28-06-2012 16:45 #7
The good news my gorgeous
DH has organised our cleaner to come twice a week, he is working from home and a lovely young girl arrived this afternoon to take DS to the park. We may go broke, but my husband realised how stressed i get when Mum is involved.
Then I ended receiving a few emails from my mother today that included talk about how I should not be cruel what if she dies? She hopes she is not here when i return from OS. She is missing my son so much and I am terrible for keeping him from her (she saw him a week ago and only saw him fortnightly previously). She is such a drama queen!! Thank god for DH and his family and support!
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