Great questions OP.
I was smacked as a child. Pretty much just by my mother and I remember clearly being told that if I didn't stop crying that she would give me something to cry about. I remember feeling so frustrated and angry that I would bite myself and would be hoping that the smack left a mark so that I could make her feel guilty about it. I've been slapped in the face, hit with a fly swatter and a leather strap. My mother didn't have a line and continued to hit me in frustration into my twenties because she couldn't 'control' me. At which point I told her that if she ever hit me again I would hit her back. I hated it and I think it taught me to hit when I didn't get my own way. My mum still does it to my dad, he would never hit her back. I hit my first boyfriend in frustration and he told me that if I ever hit him again that he would hit me back. I thought that was fair enough and it was pretty clear from then on that I needed to change this learned behaviour. I find now that I still raise my voice and have aggressive feelings with my DS in frustration and I utterly hate myself for it. I don't smack. My ultimate goal is to never raise my voice and definitely never hit my child. I have not been perfect but I put a lot of effort into learning about gentle parenting methods so that I don't follow the same path with my own children. What were the questions again? lol I'm on my phone and can't go back so I'll just say that I don't think physical violence is appropriate EVER regardless of age or circumstance. I don't expect another person (adult or child) to hit me so I wouldn't do it to anyone else for any reason.
As you can see, smacking did impact on me in a very negative way. FTR I love my mum, she is a wonderful mother and I don't think she is a bad person, I just don't agree with her parenting choices.
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17-06-2012 23:56 #71
17-06-2012 23:58 #72
18-06-2012 00:14 #73
Subscribing so can respond later. Why do a few in this thread who says they smack and they are fine with it, that they even have an implement in the house for that explicit purpose, then go on to say 'but I've only done it once/a few times'? I was smacked as a child and it almost irreparably damaged my relationship with my father. He thought he wasn't hurting me (but adults are stronger than they think, and little people are more delicate than many realise. There are also emotions that you can't see being damaged). I learned to be suspicious of his motives and cover my mistakes/problems/wrong actions. It's much harder-hitting having someone explain and make you feel terrible for what you did than 'the easy way out' ~ being spanked for it.
I believe through violence you can never 'teach' ~ you only teach avoidance of openess and hiding of negative actions. Many people hit because they don't have the words to explain themselves, or they think it's quicker or easier or the child won't understand if explained to. Kids often don't have the words to explain why they did something ~ like the PP who's parents weren't interested that PP went up the big slide to escape a german shepherd...
I think much of 'naughtiness' is boredom and testing the boundaries. It's impossible to teach compassion without showing compassion. Little people understand much more than we think. This is, of course, all IMhO.
Last edited by BaronessM; 18-06-2012 at 00:26.
18-06-2012 00:20 #74
And to answer the Q, he stopped when I nearly broke his arm with a broom that happened to be close by. This was after he hit me over the head at age 14 and I thought, 'No More.' He was an angry, damaged soul and always hit in anger. He was doing the best he knew how to at the time, and I've completely forgiven him for it. My child will NEVER be hit by me, I will always find other ways to handle the situ. I believe it stunts children's development. Stunted and depressed my emotional development, I can tell you!
18-06-2012 00:24 #75
I smack but only ever as a last resort and only with an open hand on the backside.
I say no, explain why they shouldn't do it, if they do it again they get it explained again and also told that if they do it again they'll get a smack. It's then their choice to continue the bad behaviour or to change it.
I think a lot of people see smacking as the only discipline ie the child does something wrong and gets smacked immediately, no conversation or anything beforehand just 'whack!' and the child is left wondering Wth they did wrong.
I can't speak for other people but that most definitely is not what happens in this house.
I can't remember the last time I smacked my almost 7yo, my almost 3yo though probably got a smack yesterday or the day before. Both my kids are relatively good listeners and I was able to reason with DS1 from a very early age, but DS2 is a bit more stubborn and is only now starting to respond to explanation etc in the last month or so.
Like I said, I much prefer to explain stuff to my kids, give them a chance to choose to change their behaviour before I resort to a tap on the bum.
18-06-2012 00:32 #76-
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18-06-2012 00:38 #77
I was never smacked and will not be smacking my dd.
Smacking seems kind of lazy parenting to me. I don't know.. And I hate the thought of children in fear of their parents.
When I'm out and I see a mum smacking their child in public, I do sympathise with the stress and frustration i can sense the mum feels, but at the same time I hate seeing it.
Me and my husband sometimes hold onto my dd's hand while we try and explain why she has done something naughty (and she often tries to free herself/pull away from us). Sometimes I wonder if this is wrong. There's other forms of punishment I suppose that would be just as bad as an open hand palm smack like verbal abuse.. etc..
Last edited by Lovable; 18-06-2012 at 00:41.
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18-06-2012 00:51 #78
I also fail to see how taking the time to explain things to my children, why they should stop their bad behaviour and consequences of continuing said bad behavior can possibly be seen as 'lazy parenting'.
The thought of my children fearing me is laughable to say the least. My mother would smack in anger and it was rarely just the one smack. I did fear her, I would lock myself in the toilet to get away from her. I have never and will never put my children in that situation.
Last edited by HugsBunny; 18-06-2012 at 00:53.
18-06-2012 01:02 #79
Understand where you're coming from
18-06-2012 06:15 #80
I am not a lazy parent. There are a few times when smacking was needed. Now she is older she knows why we leave seatbelts on, she understands that not wearing one means not surviving a car accident. I do not regret the times I smacked, it was not unwarranted, or hard, or used without trying other things first. It was never done in anger and I always try to find reasons for her behaviour.
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