This is what my 9 year old son asked me today After dh pulled him out of bed and put him on the cold tiles. Because he didn't get out of bed right away when asked.
My dh seems to be incapable of empathy He hates when the kids cry and yells at them to stop. "here we go again with the water works" is something he says daily. He tells them to shut up and never listens to what they say.
This is what his parentS are like and he told me he wouldn't be the same but he is.
If you were to ask him about it he would say its the kids fault he has to yell because they won't do as they are told. Or it's my fault because I undermine him. Meaning I stand up for my kids when he's being a bully.
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13-06-2012 13:10 #1
Why does daddy hate me?
13-06-2012 13:15 #2
Grrrr this makes me mad.
Just because you're their father does NOT give you the right to bully them!!
One thing that really woke me up was the day my 5yo came to curl up with me on the couch after telling his dad 'ow, stop tickling! It hurts!' and XH putting him down in a huff because he'd complained. My DS said 'mum, sometimes dad really hurts me'. My response?
'I know babe, sometimes he hurts me too' :shocked: soooooo not on
Since we've separated, DS2 refuses
To lift his arms for me to dry him after a bath unless DS1 is there to convince him that 'mum isn't dad bubba, mummy won't tickle and hurt you' :-(
Stand up for your kids. It's your duty to do so
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13-06-2012 13:29 #3
That's so sad
13-06-2012 13:39 #4
so terribly sad your dh needs a reality check, big time. he probably believes he will change the behaviour by acting this way, however u can not change age appropriate behaviour, and he is doing more emotional harm than good.
keep standing up for your babies. your the only one they have on their side.
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13-06-2012 13:50 #5wishes she was a glow worm. A glow worm's never glum, 'cos how can you be grumpy when the sun shines out of your bum?
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Maybe you should drag him outa bed and put him on cold tiles. If my DP did that to my kids he would of been gone. I'm sorry but that is not on. It's very close may even be abuse
13-06-2012 14:06 #6
My DH used to be somewhat the same, until I lost my mind one day shouting that they were my kids as well and I wouldn't have anyone treat my kids in such an appalling way, much less their father.
Often I'll remind him with "you are their father, not annoying older brother, grow the f--k up."
Stand up for your kids definitely. DH got depressed because our oldest had just shut down around him and I told him its because of how he treated her. Now they get along fine most of the time, though I do keep an eye on it.
Remember they are your kids too and there may come a point when he will learn that the hard way.
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13-06-2012 14:13 #7
Empathy does not come naturally for some
I gently reminded my DH about how awful his childhood had been (spent months in a sanitarium when he was three, away from his family, subjected to all sorts of invasive procedures )
I asked him if he wanted our ch'n to experience the same fear, loss of control and lack of empathy from their own Dad????
It stopped him in his tracks.
Sometimes you gotta tell it like it is, and talk about not only the short term impact...............but what will your ch'n feel towards you when they are older, what sort of relationship do you want to have with them?
Choose your moment, after the kids have gone to bed..........and just keep calm and matter of fact. It sounds like your DH will flare up, but you need to keep a cool head and just keep asking him the same questions: what will your ch'n feel towards you when they are older? what sort of relationship do you want to have with them?
It's not just your job to protect them, it's his job too
13-06-2012 21:22 #8
Thanks I really appreciate you all taking the time to reply. I told dh what our son said this morning at first he tried to justify it. I did ask him to look at the bigger picture and the relationship he has with his son. Reminded him about his childhood and his dad.
I really hope he thinks about what I have said.
13-06-2012 21:35 #9Senior Member
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It may help your DH to talk to someone like a counsellor to talk through his headspace. You could just approach it by asking him if he's feeling stressed and use his as a "guise" to get him to talk to someone. As a pp has said it is potentially bordering on abuse and this can scar a child for life. Im not trying to scare you it's just my self esteem has been shattered by my parents actions or in some cases inactions and it's only since dd was born that I have sought help.
Dh needs to find alternative ways of discipline as his current behaviour is not appropriate ever!
On a positive note could ds and DH have some male bonding time and do something to help repair the relationship?
13-06-2012 21:39 #10
Oh, I feel so sad for your son
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