Would like to know everyone's thoughts on this please..

[Eko]

I was raised by my grandparents from
birth. It was through court but it was a mutual decision between my mum and her parents. Was my mum on drugs? no. Was she a neglectful mother? No. Was it that she didn't want me? Absolutely not. She was in no way a bad mother. She did it because she knew she couldn't give me a good life at that time. She wanted what was best for me, even though it broke her heart. She did it out if love and nothing else. I had the best life and wouldn't change a thing! I know that I wouldn't have had a lot of the opportunities and experiences I did if she hadn't of made that sacrifice.

For someone to judge her and think "oh she must be on drugs" or "she is a bad mother"..... It's crushing for me as her daughter. I've had people say "oh she must have been so selfish to give away her child" and even someone say "she doesn't love you, never has. That's why she gave you up". STFU! She did it because she loved me, it was probably the most SELFLESS thing she could do as a mother. She did it because she LOVED me and wanted the best for me.

Unless you know all the facts it's not your place to judge. Ever.

I judge. I was told by my mother at the age of 14 that there was no place in her life for me because she had to go out and 'find herself'.

It was too hard for her to be a mother at that time. I get that. What I DON'T get is that she effectively dumped me on my father without even asking how he felt about it (he was NEVER going to leave me without a home and without support, unlike her).

I judge. I judge damn hard. Because in formative years I was told by my foremost female role model that I wasn't important, and that she couldn't be bothered to look after her own daughter.
Did she say it in those words? No. But her actions spoke far louder.

I'm just lucky my dad is a wonderful man. I'll NEVER be as close to my mum as I am to him because he loved me when the chips were down and cared for me enough to ask "how was your day?" the day after my mum left.

[ICanDream]

I never said ALL my kids weren't with me.

You have used vague wording and inferred many times that none are with you, again you are using semantics to put us all into a corner and not be able to help to or offer advice.

[lambjam]

Cassie, I generally don't reply to your threads, simply because there are so many members on here who know you and your history better than I do, who have supported you through so many life changing decisions, and I didn't want to interfere.

But that alone says volumes to me. You know how many people are here to advise you, you know how many members want only what's best for you and your children. You've found untold support on here, yet in threads like this you feel judged and alone, presumably because members aren't giving you the answers you would like.

Have these members not yet earned your trust? To give you answers that may not be what you want to hear, yet are everything you should perhaps listen to?

[SassyMummy]

Frustrated is exactly that.

Before the break up with her ex, I was there in just about every single thread telling Cassie she could do it - that she could survive without Grant, that she had it in her, etc etc. I knew she could.

Then she did and I was like "YES!" and thought that finally she would be happy and free as she deserved to be. I was happy that her children didn't have to live in fear, and that their mother could focus on them and they'd live a relatively normal, happy, safe life together.

But then just more and more stuff comes up, and nothing ever changes. Sure, the ex has gone, and he was a jerk from what I read, so good riddance... but there's been problems with parenting, problems with money, problems with boyfriends, work problems... blah blah blah. Endlessly. Advice never helps. It gets ignored, she gets cranky, threads get closed because she demands it.

Then the next week she's maybe pregnant, or her bf is acting weird... or she's thinking about offloading her other children, while in another thread she's going on about all the kids she wants to have with her bf in future. It gets to a point where you go "WTF?!" and wonder why the threads are not, "how to get my daughter back in my care," or "Any advice on how to make my budget work?" or "How do you deal with kids when you're having a rough time?" etc.

*sigh*

[Clementine Grace]

If a mother doesn't have custody of her own children (sees them weekends/holidays etc) because they live with their father or some other relative, do YOU think she's a bad mother?

Sorry but this was your original post, its pretty direct. You can't post and then not be happy if people post opinions you don't want to hear. I don't see the point in asking questions if you don't want the answer. Most people on here are trying to help you, but you can't see it or don't want to see it.

[PorkyPies]

Hun, most of us have been here for 7 years or more - we've tried the soft approach with Cassie and have had no results at all.

We're not being mean, we're trying to get through to her and we wouldn't be trying if we didn't care.

Surely you can understand that?

I understand the frustration but things like 'shut your legs' sounds more nasty than to the point?! I don't know Cassie's history but I can't help but feel that if she does indeed have depression then hundreds of posts basically calling her a lousy Mum might do more harm than anyone could anticipate? Anyway, obviously I don't know the full story, but it just sounds so harsh.

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[Blue Dragon]

If you feel the best thing for the kids is for them to be in the care of the SIL then so be it.
Kids need to be cared for and loved, if the parent cant do it then hopefully someone else can.
Its sad for the kids but they may be better off.

From this thread i gather that your 2 eldest girls are with SIL and the boy is with you ?

There are lots of different types of familys around, some kids are raised by grandparents, fathers, stepparents etc.
Ultimatly the kids need to be in a safe, loving environment.

Cassie, Can i ask why did you ask everyones opinion if you already believe you are doing the right thing ?
I know you have gotten answers you are not happy with, do you think this is because deep down you are unhappy with the choices you have made?

I wish you and your children all the best in the future.

[MommaBear]

I havent read everything other than the OPs reply, but in response to her question Yes I think that a mother who 'gives' away her children is a bad mother.
Children are NOT possessions- they cant be passed around like a borrowed DVD- they are real little humans with feelings, thoughts, and needs. YOU are their mother if you need ot better yoursefl DO it but dont make your children suffer solely fo rthe purpose of not wanting ot be a mum. Children are for life NOT jus tuntil a new guy comes along or it all gets too hard- no one has ever said parentign is easy but once yoru a parent you need ot put the kids first and stop with this kind of BS.
I really hope yoru kids will be okay in the long run- mentally, physically, emotionally and pyschologically. You can say they are happy etc... but how do you knwo that if they are not with you- they're happy when you see them(maybe thtas cause they are spending time with their mummy!).
I feel so sorry for whoever now has your child/ren they never asked to be parents of kids who arent even theirs but are stuck with it.
What you do is no longer impacting on just you it impacts on the kids and the people who are caring enough to look after them, wake up tp yourself and put your kids first.

[SassyMummy]

And, in all honesty, this isn't a man VS woman thing either.

If a man had full custody of his children, and then decided to offload one of them because she was too hard... then decided to offload the others as well... I would judge him for sure. His lack of vagina wouldn't stop me from being just as judgemental as if he were a woman.

[HugsBunny]

I understand the frustration but things like 'shut your legs' sounds more nasty than to the point?! I don't know Cassie's history but I can't help but feel that if she does indeed have depression then hundreds of posts basically calling her a lousy Mum might do more harm than anyone could anticipate? Anyway, obviously I don't know the full story, but it just sounds so harsh.

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Agreed, that comment was uncalled for.