My dh works 3 jobs 7 days a week, he leaves at 8.30 in the morning, we see him for an hour before the second job in the arvo and then don't see him again til the next morning ... He has Sunday nights off which are sacred to us ... And he's done this for 10 years, he had 4 weeks off one of his jobs when ds was born and that was it (he still worked his night job) ...
I've gotten used to it and so has ds, but dh is now the 'Funtime' parent and I'm the all day every day parent which does annoy me sometimes ... I also work as a mummy nanny and ds comes with me so he gets sick of that sometimes and kicks up a stink to see his papa ...
Geez I've rambled!! Sorry. Maybe it's more you and dh need to reconnect? Could you have a date night once a fortnight?
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09-06-2012 07:02 #11
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09-06-2012 07:06 #12
Last edited by lambjam; 09-06-2012 at 07:08.
09-06-2012 07:08 #13-
- Join Date
- Nov 2011
- Western Sydney
I feel your pain, I work a full time job from 9am to 5pm, DH works rotating rosters and on the week of afternoon shift he'll work from 2pm - 10pm every day then go to his second job on weekends from 5pm - 5am.
We're like passing ships in the night, TTC, raising 2 teenagers, and building a showcar. While our working life is totally optional to support our lifestyle I feel for people like yourself who are apart put of necessity
Maybe you could allocate a day and time where just you two catch up. DH and I go to Starbucks every Sunday for breakfast coffee, I know it may be hard to get kids looked after, and it may feel kind of forced at first, but you will go insane if you don't try something.
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09-06-2012 07:11 #14
Dh leaves Monday at 7pm, just after dinner. Naps from lunchtime Monday in preparation. Returns Wednesday, sometimes in time to talke the kids to school kinder, sometimes mid morning. Sleeps all day.
Leaves Wednesday around 7-8pm after dinner. Returns Friday, same routine as Wed.
Leaves Friday 7pm, returns Saturday between 6 and 8am. Sport with kids until 2-3pm. Falls asleep in car on the way home. Eats dinner with us, may sit (sleep) on couch while kids sit on him and watch a movie. Goes to bed at same time as kids.
Sunday- Family day/ any committments he has/ catch up with friends.
Yes it's lonely. Yes it sucks. Yes I wish it was different. We don't have a lot of options at this point in time. Mostly, it is our relationship that suffers, especially our intimate relationship which really, we don't have. When dh is home, he spends most of his time with the kids because they are little and they don't understand. I accept that this is our time we have to sacrifice.
For the last 5 years, I have studied a degree which keeps me busy and my mind occupied. It will also allow me to significantly contribute next year to our family income so we can perhaps have a better work/life balance. I also spend a lot of spare time online and read a lot of books. I am due to have our last child any day that will keep me busy and have a lot of exercise equipment at home to get back to using to get my fitness back up now that my growing baby days are almost behind me. That's how I cope...sort of. I also have a major whinge every 4-6 months or thereabouts Nobody's perfect.
Last edited by Opinionated; 09-06-2012 at 07:21.
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09-06-2012 07:15 #15
DH works 3-4 night a week most night he leaves around 8pm so he is here for bed time and get home round 9am and strait to bed, sleeps mist if the day. I miss him so much sometimes, on his last day of the week he will sleep a few hours get up have a quiet day with me and our boys. The night before his first shift of the week he stays up all night to sleep.
I hate it but he loves his job ( I don't like his job)
Always here if you need a chat
And the the person who said just get a job if I did that I would never see DH cause I would work days and him nights also would cut down both of us having time with the kids, our weekend are Monday and Tuesday cause DH works weekends!
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09-06-2012 09:17 #16
My DH has worked night shift ever since we met ten years ago. He works 4pm to 2am Monday to Friday. I also work full time 7am to 3pm so the only time during the week that we see each other is at 5am in the morning when I get up for work. He waits up from when he gets home from work to take the kids to daycare and before school care at 7am and this is the only time he sees the kids during the week.
Sometimes I really resent him working nights and having to do all the nightly things with the kids- cooking, cleaning, homework, dinner, baths etc etc and most night i dont get to sit down and relax until about 10pm and then i should be in bed, myself. He doesn't do anything when he gets home from work to help me around the house. I have told him if he could do one job for me which is to unpack the dishwasher and most of the time he doesn't even do that for me.
We have talked about him working day shift but we will lose too much money so I just have to deal with being a 'night widow'
Don't get me wrong, he is a great husband and father, we just don't get to see him very often
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09-06-2012 10:24 #17
DH also runs his own business in a unique industry that means he typically works 80+ hours a week including being required to do very late nights 4-5 a week. It is in no way about the money, he loves the work he does and may not be physically able to do it when he is older. I work - I need to as he barely makes minimum wage equivalent - we go without a lot so that I don't need to work too much (and DD gets to see one of us) and he can keep following his dream.
A typical week he works Mon 5am-7pm, Tues 5am-1pm & 3pm-11pm (or later), Wed 5am-2pm, Thurs 5am-2pm & 4pm-11pm, Fri 5am-1pm & 3pm-11pm (or later), Sat 5am-1pm & 3pm-11pm (or later), Sun 7am-1pm (or sometimes 7pm).
So if I work (teach) during the day we miss our little daytime catchup - and even then he is usually napping for most of that time. Last year I took on extra work with the agreement that he would drop back his work - it became apparent within a few months that it is impossible for him to cut back. To cut back he needs to change careers completely and give up on his dream.
It is really hard as he is always tired and while we try to set aside time each week to spend together as a family often work crisises pop up or he's just too tired.
I hate it! It puts so much strain on our relationship and we both have to constantly work to make sure we stay close. Lots of text messages and sneaking in cuddles at any opportunity.
As PPs have said I try to stay busy, but looking after DD and the house by myself takes up a lot of time and evergy - plus work is very draining - so evenings I typically just have the energy to veg on the computer or telly and try hard not to eat too much.
I used to work around him a lot more to make sure that I'd be free at the drop of a hat if he got some bonus spare time. This was awful because it was like I had no control of my own life or how I spent my time. Now I just get on with my life as if he's not around - if he specifically books time in I keep it free - and even then I've lost count of the times I've been 'stood up'. It's hard for him because when he is actually home and tries to 'help' I practically shoo him away as I'm just used to doing everything my way.
Sorry I don't think I have any good advice, but you're definitely not alone and there is nothing wrong with being unhappy with the situation. I tried paid work myself to 'fix it' and that didn't work either (thanks for that useless and condescending advice JR03). What we have done is set a time frame for how long he can keep doing this for and then he has to give it up. Knowing that it is not forever makes it a lot easier to cope with in the meantime.
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09-06-2012 10:53 #18-
- Join Date
- Nov 2008
DF works night shift, usually 5pm-3am, on weekends the shifts are even longer. Then there's overtime. And travel time. Then he has to sleep, too, and enough so that he isn't at risk.
It gets hard, and lonely.
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09-06-2012 11:13 #19
Thanks everyone so much for all your stories and replies. It's nice to know I'm not alone and in fact NOT a whining self entitled brat who should get a job... I'm just exhausted and lonely and we have no immediate family that live near by that can just 'pop in' to break up the monotony.
I am SO worried it will affect our kids though... I love being able to stay at home with them, I just don't want them to remember dad never being home and mum always grumpy and yelling!
Some nights are like pure torture if we are all tired and over it...!
We have had a big talk and he is going to attempt to get home earlier on a Thursday to take DS1 to football AND earlier on a Friday to spend time with us.
We've been making Sunday nights our date night and we have a spa and some wine and a really good chat about the week. I just miss family time more than anything... He's out all day with them today so I can study for my exam which is on Tuesday. Which is great...but it's still not 'Us'.We have also booked in a night out in 3 weeks at my favourite restaurant too! Can't wait.
I know it won't be forever and we have such a great reward in 12-18 months.
I've made the decision to try and move on from having one more baby as I don't think it would be fair on any of us to throw another baby into our craziness! Sad, but I know it's for the best.
Thanks night widows! Strength to us all!
Last edited by faroutbrusselsprout; 09-06-2012 at 11:16.
09-06-2012 12:30 #20Senior Member
- Join Date
- Dec 2009
It's crap when one or both partners aren't home. My lovely husband teaches and I nurse but to minimise the time the girls are in crèche he obviously works days and I work nights and weekends. I'd kill for a week where we all sit down every night for dinner and go to bed each night together instead my husband does bedtimes alone and the kids get cranky, tired mum during the day. God knows how we conceived number 3/5.
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