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  1. #1
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    Unhappy Dealing with delayed trauma after a c-section wound break down.

    This is the first time I have visited this site, I was actually in search of my close friends birth story and then I found something I have been needing.A place to express my feelings about my pre and post birth experiences that I am struggling to deal with.
    I fell pregnant after trying for over 2 years( I am now 25),my partner and I had been told now or possibly never as I suffered from pollycystic ovaries and endometriosis.In that time we lost a pregnancy at 8 weeks and had another 9 months of trying in which I suffered from an anxiety and and depression.We found out about the second pregnancy a week before starting fertility treatments. The next 12 weeks were very tense but bubba was there to stay.Apart from chronic morning sickness and some weight loss we were getting on ok.
    In the 3rd trimester it became aparent that there was a problem with me.I showed signs of early labour and was sent to bed.Then came hypersensativity.Around week 31 my stomach and uterus became that painfull that I would scream in intense pain if I was even lightly touched.This made weekly visits to the doctor excruciating andhard for the dr. because he could not examine me.The pain to this day is unidentified and it had many doctors baffled.My pregnancy became a game of can we make it 1 more week?By this stage I was on panadine forte,phenergen and latter on for sleep,normison.As week 36 rolled around the cause for concern arrived in the form of a low fetal heart rate heard on the doppler.Iwas sent to hospital to be put on the moniters.It looked good after 40 mins so the midwife was just telling me this and the heart rate dropped to 70 bpm and stayed there for approx. 2 mins.I spent the next week visitng the hospital at different times to be monitered with the hope that the baby had just grabbed the cord.It seemed fine until day 3 and these drops started happening more frequently.Half way through week 37 I could be pushed no more! It was now evident that doctors had to intervene.
    I was induced as the doctors decided that they did not wish to take the experience of labour away from me and also they were unsure what they were dealing with.I was however told That due to my sensativity that I would have a 90% chance of an epidural and that there may be cause for a c-section.I Had the gel introduced twice but not much happend.Then 9 hours later when I sent my support people home and the dr. decided that nothing was happening and to let me have dinner and sleep I went into labour.3 hrs after my waters broke at the same time as I vomited the hospital salmon casserole up everywhere.I don't remember much between here and getting the epidural except the midwife telling me I told you so because I had argued with her that I didn't want to eat the salmon for half an hour and she insisted that I did.I gave in and felt sick.The pressure of the food induced spew was what she wanted to break my waters.
    The epidural was administed at about 11pm as I was not able to stand the pain.It was a blissful thing!At the same time my dr arrived to tell me that there was a problem with the baby.I was only 3cm dilated.My babies heart rate was dropping to around 50 bpm and only coming back to about 80bpm.I was given a decision to make.They wanted to give me an emergency ceasar but I could continue a little longer if I wished,keeping in mind I was in the country and a surgical team can take a long time to get together in the middle of the night, by that time thay would probably loose one if not both of us.I was prep'd for surgery at 7 cm.
    Oliver born at 3:46 am 48cm,7lb 2oz(3.24kg) pink and healthy.He scored 9 on his tests at 1 minute and 10 at 5.There was no reason for my pain but I have A small pelvic opening and he would have died as they would not have been able to deliver him vaginally.
    Now comes the period of time that is currently causing me to suffer from post traumatic shock, depression and anxiety with panic attacks.Before I go on I will say that the midwives who tended me were a source of strength who regardless of what happened got me through this time.Apart from this I have no memories of many of the first precious moment of having a child except for negative ones.
    I remember lying in my hospital bed after being returned to my room only my partner was present.The pain was becoming unbearable although I was being given high doses of pethadine.I had been given that much that there was not much else the midwife could do for me except joke with my partner that I had low pain tolerance.I DON'T.6 hours after returning from recovery my partner walked around the side of the bed to find a pool of pethadine on the floor.My epidural had fallen out.I had,had no pain relief.It took another 30 mins to find a dr. to give them permission to administer a needle of pethadine.All I could do was look at my baby and think please don't wake up,I can't help you,just don't wake up.
    The next memory......Same day having finished a shower the midwives were getting me back into bed.No-one supported my back.The bed was in full recline.I fell.I thought I was dying.The pain was so sharp and intense.my sister has told me that she heard it down the phone as she was talking to my dad at the time.She went cold.She had never heard some one in that much pain.I felt something give inside.They said I was just sensetive.I knew something was wrong.
    Day 4,The blue day.Still can't walk well,wishing that baby would never wake up and crying constantly.Day 5 realise not coping with hospital not baby.So anxious that I am having Panic attacks everyone agrees that I need to go home.From here on I can't remember specific days but I was re-admited to hospital on day 10.
    I can't do anything for myself, I need help getting off the lounge.toilet etc and I feel tired but assume this is normal.
    I am sitting on the verandah with my sister,I feel a sharp pain in my wound and feel a wet feeling.I go to the toilet and see a little bood on my undies not from my pad.I am scared.I show her and my partner thay try to reassure me that it looks alright and want me to look in a mirror.I have a panick attack but decide afterwards to listen to them and go to the dr. in the morning as nothing looked inflamed.It is now 5am,time to feed and I throw the doona back bacause I am hot.There is blood covering the front of my nighty.We go to the hospital and I am really worried that they are going to re-admit me and I wont cope again.The person in casualty checks my wound,the hole would fit a 50 cent coin in it but as I don't have a fever and I am breastfeeding he cleans me up,and packs the wound and sends me home to go to the dr.
    I am on antibiotics now and they don't seem to be working I feel really sick and I feel like I am coming undone at the seams.Each day I need to go to the hospital and get my wound redressed.
    I am lying on the bed with my sister watching a movie.I feel a sharp pain.I decide I am just imagining it and don't say anything.Just cry because I am so scared.
    It is hospital time again.I get called in to casualty quickly as I only take 5 mins.The nurse gets me to remove my own dressing while she goes to get some new ones.I see my wound for the first time.There is two holes.I brake down.The fear still haunts me.I am re-admitted with my baby.
    Ollie is two weeks old and I am able to get out of bed for the first time without help but I need to call the midwife to disconnect my drip machine from the wall.She comes in and sees that the night staff have run both antibiotics through the same line when they shouldn't have.She tells me that I am extremly lucky me ankle tag is not a toe tag,and she means it.
    A couple of days later I can go home. I am walking now.I don't want to leave because I am worried that if I leave before I am well I could get worse.My baby is now 2 and a 1/2 weeks old.
    Gradually from here I start to have some more memories and I finally begin to be able to hold and bond with my baby.Previously I had only been able to feed him.I don't think I really felt love for him untill week 3.Before I had my son I had set up support networks and a councilor just in case I suffered from depression again but I didn't really need them.I score well in the post natal mental tests my counciler gave me and when I had a bad day I was able to identify why and pick myself up .We were doing really well apart from some sleeping issues that caused some anxiety but they remidied in a mothercraft centre stay,we have a fairly easy baby with good ruitines.
    Now he is 10 months old.He has just self weaned,that was alright as I wanted to start at 10 months anyway,and it was a pretty smooth transition.I however have just started having panic attacks and am suffering from depression.I have started seeing a councilor and have been to my doctor.They both agree that I am experiencing post traumatic shock.That it has taken this long to manifest itself has taken everyone by suprise as they all,including myself,believed that I was dealing with everything really well and that any problems would have arisen months ago.I myself only came to terms with my feelings and worries in the last 3 weeks.I am finding daily life really hard and the one thing keeping me going is that which I am missing from my early weeks,the love I feel for my little son.He is thankfully the one thing in My life that I am feeling anything for at the moment .I am really finding it hard to even give my partner a peck on the cheek and that is causing problems.I know I love him but I can not feel it.He stumbles along beside me not quite understanding but ready to help if I need him,hoping for better days.I took my first ever antidepressant this morning as all my other strategies aren't helping.I have a really long way to go to get through this but I am confident that both myself and my family will see good times soon.Thanks to the friend who led me here.
    Last edited by brodiebunch; 21-10-2006 at 19:13. Reason: sentence worded wrong

  2. #2
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    i just wanted to give you these

  3. #3
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    Thank you for sharing your story with us. You have been through a hell of a lot.
    I really hope you start to feel better soon.
    Take care and welcome to bub hub

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    Default thanks so much

    Thanks for reading my post.I hope it helps someone in some small way.I forgot to write originally that the wound opened up due to a heamatoma(sorry about the spelling).It is believed that it was caused by being dropped on the bed and an internal stitch opening up.It took 12 weeks for the wound to close fully as the doctors couldn't stitch it up because of infection.12 weeks of sponge bathing in january is not fun especially after childbirth.

  5. #5
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    Awww hon for you.

    Thank you for sharing your story with us, I hope getting it out has helped you. The things we go through as women and mothers eh?!

    Hopefully the antidepressants will help to up your serotonin levels so you can start to feel your normal emotions again - it may take up to 4 weeks, but with a bit of luck, they'll make the world of difference. If they dont, though, don't give up, try another antidepressant, as it can sometimes take a few tries to find the right one for you.

    You have been such a strong girl through all of your trauma honey, and it's no wonder you're having trouble dealing with it now - we often put things away or to the side just to hopefully get through today as best we can - but they do catch up with us, and we must deal with them when they do, or we'll never get through it. You may not ever actually feel like you are 'over it', but you WILL get through it babe, believe that. Motherhood is just not as easy as they make out - they don't really prepare you for the bad stuff that can happen with birth and labour, and post-partum, I guess they don't want to scare anyone, but also it's impossible to really describe unless you've been through it yourself.

    I wish I could take your pain and fear and unhappiness away, but I can't. I can only say that you have come to the right place for some solid and non-judgemental support. You are always welcome to vent here, let it all out, be as honest and descriptive and even nasty if you feel like it, as you feel you want to be. You will not be judged here, but you may make some good friendships to help you through your tough time.

    And I would like to say that in telling us your story, you have been very brave. Your story just might help someone else who has been through a similar ordeal find the strength to get the help they need, or even just to not feel so alone or scared. It's a wonderful thing you have done here mate, letting it out - good for you, and good for all those others who need to hear that they're not alone. Good for you.

    We are not wonder-women, we are just women, dealing with our new lives as best we can, and sometimes that is DAMNED HARD.

    All power to you brodie bunch - you have done a very good thing, and here's hoping things start to look up for you very soon.
    from Suze

  6. #6
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    Big hugs to you! Thank you so much for sharing your story with us- PTSD is such a hard thing to deal with, especially when it occurs due to your birth experience. I had some similar experiences to you- though not as severe- and gosh it really whacked me around. My bubs are two now and I still get teary when I think about their birth! It has been a long process for me- I've just come off the medication that I was on- so far so good.

    I'm not sure where you live, but in Brisbane there is a group called Birthtalk who have wonderful services and a support group for women like us that have experienced challenging births. Even if you don't live in Brisbane their website would be worth having a look at it's:- http://www.birthtalk.org/

    If you aren't in the area- I would still contact them and they may be able to refer you to someone who is in your area- it really helps to work through the issues with people who understand the impact that birth has.

    lots of love to you- spend time grieving your loss, I've done lots of crying, lots of journalling, lots of anything that helps. I'm not sure that the impact ever changes, however I do feel love for my bubs now and I can accept that my birth has shaped me and my life and grown me in a way that I couldn't have experienced without their birth.

    And anyone that tells you to be grateful you have a healthy baby should be kicked in the head- I mean, doesn't understand what you've been through and probably isn't the person to talk with about how you're feeling.


  7. #7
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    Mojogal and Kadownie thank you heaps and heaps for your posts.It was so releiving to hear other people see what I had been through as a tough time.You guys have given me a good confidence boost,although I cried reading what you had writen.I am not in the brisbane area I am on the far south coast of N.S.W and I have only just began looking for a support group but have had no luck yet.Most people in my mothers group don't understand my pain at all but there must be other women in the area who can.I will try and find them.Good luck Kadownie with staying off the meds I hope it works for you I think I will start a journal myself.

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    Hey mate, glad I have led you here & that it's helping a bit! It's good to feel you're not alone.

    You are such an amazing person & someone I'm so glad Ella will have in her life.

    to you always!

  9. #9
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    Just an update.Off to the dr's today as antidepressants making me really feel sick.Might need to lower the dose or something.I am having a good day today as I am going to visit my sister for a week longs holiday and some hugs

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    Sorry not to have read your post sooner.....I have issues that probably need to be dealt with in this section, but I feel too scared to, despite the fact that I have since gone on to have a great birth since my traumatic one. (as I've learnt, a great subsequent birth doesnt automatically heal a previous bad one)....

    But WOW your post really spoke to me. I had delayed trauma also from my c/sec with my DS3 which came out when I went on the pill and then went really bad when I got pregnant with my DS4 (he was a bit of a surprise). PTSD, flashbacks - I developed S.A.D also. I was living in a total fog and it was starting to destroy my family and my relationship with my husband.

    I am yet to actually get the guts to write up my birth story for DS3, as it unravels too many scary places I dont want to return to, iykwim, but I know I have to do it eventually as it was keeping it in in the first place that caused it to rear it's ugly head and wreak havoc in my life down the track. It is so good for you to be able to share what you have, I really appreciate it, as I feel more encouraged to finally do it myself - soon....

    I just wanted to let you know though, that from my most recent birthing experience, you dont have to let a traumatic birth taint any future births you have. I just had a fantastic joyous dream-come-true birth with my recent baby. So just wanted to share that things can improve for you, and I hope this might give you a bit of a ray of hope that things will get better


 

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