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  1. #1
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    Default I feel I never signed up to be doing everything alone...

    Ok, here I go. I haven’t posted on bub hub for quite sometime but feel the need to vent to anyone who is willing to listen.

    Over the last nine years my husband’s work has become more and more high profile. Which has meant his time to help me has become less and less. Sometimes I feel quite sad because I feel as if I never signed up to be doing everything alone.

    I work casual on a regular 1 shift a week (as that is all I can fit in between drop off and pick-up for school). My Son is in primary school five days a week and my daughter is in pre-prep (QLD) on a five day fortnightly roster.

    I do all the finances and budgeting (include bills), all the house cleaning (vacuuming, mopping, bathrooms, bed making, dusting e.t.c), all the cooking (every night of the week, including b’fast and lunches on weekends), all the shopping (grocers, clothing for kids accessories, school stuff, b’days (including my own), Christmas e.t.c), all the lunches (kids for school), all the laundry (washing everyone’s, ironing, folding, putting away etc), all the car maintenances (petrol, servicing , cleaning e.t.c), all the kids Dr appointment (Dentists, specialists etc), all of their friends b’day parties invites, all their after school curriculumand activities (Kids homework included), and all pets care (feeding, cleaning, vets etc). Not to mention the other regular stuff like story reading, showering, laying out clothes for them to wear the next day etc.
    I have no family help on either side (Mum, Dad or siblings) and no close friends living in Queensland I rely 100% on myself. If a light blows or I break down on a highway or 10 things need to be done asap I deal with it.

    My husband FIFO once a month for 8 days and works in the city for the other 3 weeks, he leaves at 5:30am the children wake up at 6am and then gets home at 6:30pm and my DS and DD are off to bed at 7pm. When the children do go to bed I then run around doing washing and making sure everything is set for the next day while he watches TV. Yet when the children were awake he was on the phone or computer. If he does get any time around us he is usually either working on his computer or has the phone constantly attached to his head?

    But why am I still the one that always feels guilty, he tell me he is trying and I am the one that feels like I am being harsh on him.

    I almost cry at the thought of my DS bringing home an assignment or my DD bringing home a b’day invite because I literally feel I can’t fit one more thing in. I am constantly tired...

    I am not writing this to feel sorry for myself as I know there are a lot of people in the world worst off than me and a lot of Mums doing it tuff. I just wish sometimes I could hire a Mum to talk to, for wisdom and help...

    Thanks for listening to me ramble.

  2. #2
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    ok this is not my section as I don't have a partner who works away, but as a single mum who does everything I can definitely empathize with how hard it is and how exhausted you must be.

    My question is, why don't you make things a bit easier on yourself and hire a cleaner, grab takeaway some nights (it doesn't have to be unhealthy) go out for breakfast on the weekends... Think of things you can outsource. Presumably if your husbands career is successful you can afford it, and surely your mental health is worth it?

  3. #3
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    Hugs it sucks I know...
    Don't think they will change mine is also a non existing person in the house hold too. I feel like a single mum but with the responsibility of making sure he gets looked after too.
    I just vented in another thread..
    X

  4. #4
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    To shelle65:
    Actually I looked today at cleaners after my 6thwhite stress hair at the age of 28 (and yes I have plucked them all out lol). But why do I feel guilty for maybe arranging some help, it’s silly I know. But yes I think I will trial a cleaner fortnightly and a mower man maybe once a month. That way I can do the in between cleans and maintenances. Thanks for the advice.

    To bellieellie:
    It's such a relief to hear I am not the only one who is married to a partner who has opted out. I'll have to go read through your vent now lol. Thanks for making me feel normal.
    Last edited by LovingMumof2; 29-05-2012 at 21:49.

  5. #5
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    I felt guilty about having a cleaner at first too.

    But trust me the guilt will disappear when you realise that taking that job off your plate gives you more time to spend with the kids, less stress and ultimately a happier family. (And in my case a cleaner house as my cleaner is an absolute champion and does it all better than I ever did or could!)

  6. #6
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    I'm not in your position, but I feel for you. Maybe the thought of hiring "help" makes you feel guilty because you've been carrying so much for so long, you think it's expected. Hubby probably acts like it's expected. You are clearly not enjoying your life right now, and if he isn't able/willing to lighten the load, you need to cut back where you can so you fit some fun/relaxation back in. I agree with shelle65. Cleaner, mower and a takeaway night a week as a bare minimum! Maybe find an hour or two in the week that you block out just for you. No matter what! Read a book in the park, go to the gym, whatever floats your boat, but start finding some time away from the responsibility to find yourself again!

  7. #7
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    Oh i can relate. DH is actually quite a big help when he is home, the trouble is he is away a lot. He is about to leave for 14 weeks, with a possibility of being away a month longer than that. Sometimes it feels like he is never here.
    I understand what it feels like to be doing everything alone and feeling exhausted. It can be quite depressing.
    I agree with getting a cleaner, i don't have one (not an option for me) but can definitely see how much it could help.
    Also give yourself a break every now and then, i know that seems almost impossible but i the way i do is by just having a 'pyjama day' at home, i let my kids watch tv and we just veg out and do nothing much. I get take away that day so i don't need to cook. It used to make me feel guilty having days like that but now i realise sometimes you just need to - once in a while isn't going to hurt.

  8. #8
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    Default Thank you everyone who has posted

    To shelle65:
    You’ll be proud ofme I actually booked in one of the cleaners today for a regular fortnightly cleanstarting next week. I still felt guilty telling DH though but hopefully likeyou said this will pass. Next lawn maintenances...

    To AreWeThereYet:
    You are so right I do feel like it is expected of me, I guess becauselike you said I have been doing it for so long. But I feel like this witheverything in my life. I feel like I always have to be the responsible one, allthe time... and if I do have a spare hour (like now at 11:19pm, I feel guiltyfor taking it (silly I know)).

    I just feel as if I always have to present well to my DH andnot seem like I’m falling apart inside. This includes a clean house, happychildren, and homemade meals, happy pets while also keeping myself healthy,trim and well presented (even typing this now is making me realise howunrealistic this is.)

    To MothersMIlk:
    It is depressing always feeling alone, I know other Mother’s feellike this a lot too but I think it would be easier even if the kids hadGrandparents that could help out but unfortunately on both mine and my husband’sside we do not have one single family member that comes around for visits, theyare just not interested (not to mention they live all over the place) but evenif we did all live close I know it wouldn’t make a difference. Wouldn’t it benice if you could just adopt a family or even just a Mum/Grandmother?


    Thank you to all the beautiful Mother’s who have takenprecious time out of their own days to post. It has made me feel that other Mumsunderstand and go through similar scenarios themselves. Bub Hub has proven tobe a great place to vent especially so I can stay strong, happy and togetherfor my beautiful children, the absolute lights of my life.

  9. #9
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    Hi hun, I am going through the same situation as you. My partner is a software engineer and he spends so much time studying and working. Plus leaves for work. We actually hired an aupair to help out with the children and cleaning which was a wonderful thing until she got stressed with my job and quit. Which was funny. I just had a baby 2 months ago and we moved to brisbane to Murrumba Downs. Oh my, I feel like that we live in the middle of nowhere and it is hard to make friends.

    I wonder how things have turned out for you?

  10. #10
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    Default I feel I never signed up to be doing everything alone...

    I'm so with you on this topic. It's also hard when you want/expect them to help as this is the only time they get off when they're home. It's really hard. My partner didn't work away when we met, it was as a result of a business that didn't go very well. It's also hard when my DF gets used to being away eg having a clean place to stay on his own and peace and quiet when he wants so comes home and seems to have such less patience for us. The kids don't deserve to get yelled at because you are no longer used to us. I feel so sorry for them so I do everything as per usual to keep the kids happy. It's not fun it's exhausting. I'm sorry to have my vent in your thread I just know exactly what you're going through and it sucks. xx (((hugs))) to you.
    I agree with the above people to try to make your life easier if possible. Get a cleaner maybe put your children in kindy one day (I don't know their ages) so you get a day to yourself a week.


 

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