I would react differently to my DH having a private text conversation with a female then I would if it was a male because it would be a change in character for my husband who tells me everything.
It may be that he is discussing something about your relationship and he is entitled to do so after all generally we all have friends we confide in and bounce ideas off.It may also be something awesome like planning a surprise party for you or a romantic trip.It could also be something sinister.
You need to sit down with your DH and tell him how the secretivness is affecting you and ask him to be honest,whatever that may bring.
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26-05-2012 08:15 #31Senior Member
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26-05-2012 08:22 #32Senior Member
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I'd be upset too, not the female friend part - but the pouncing on the phone and hiding the message from you. That is not on.
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26-05-2012 08:28 #33
It sounds incredibly suspiscious. Dont let this go holly,get to the bottom of it.
Its completely unacceptable to hideconversations with another woman from you.
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26-05-2012 08:46 #34
*Sigh* bracing myself for crucifixion here......
Op while I agree that yes I too would be heart broken and entirely devo if my other half did this & i knew about it & e was dead set against talking to me about it, I just want to point a few things out.
Regardless of what people *should* do in a relationship - ie, communication wise, it isn't always like that for EVERYONE!
I sure as hell don't talk to dp about every single aspect of my life, simply because we are different people and we have differing views, and sometimes, I want to share things with other close friends or family who see my side and entirely agree with me - and that might sound purely selfish, but I'd rather do that then get into a fight with dp when all I really want is some sympathy.
Is this the right thing to do? Yes, for us, it is! & I'm darn sure he does the same thing with me.
Another thing to point out, this might be considered "bad" for a relationship or what ever, but if I have a problem with dp, I will often run it by my mum or best friend first to gain some perspective to avoid going off the handle at him..
And even though I'm not going straight to him with my problem, I find it MUCH better for Our relationship to talk to someone else about it first.
I think the difference here is that if dp was texting someone else or I was doing it, we would have no dramas sharing with each other, even if I was venting to a friend about how sh!t he has been acting lately. There is no reason to hide to make the other person feel insecure.
Maybe your dp was looking for advice on how to improve your relationship, or maybe having a vent about something he is struggling with... It could be any number of things, but I wouldn't jump to the instant conclusion he is having a physical or emotional affair.
I just wanted to offer another side to your situation... Would you jump to the conclusion of "affair" if he were texting a male??
You said he has a long history of friendships with women, has he ever cheated with one of them?
If not then I probably would assume first that he is either a.) talking about you to her, or b.) venting about something/talking about something he knows you wouldn't like or agree with.
Best of luck.
26-05-2012 08:52 #35
Thank you everyone for your responses. It's definitely left me on amber alert. We did talk it out and he knows how I feel, but he doesn't see any issue with it. I guess I'll just monitor the situation for a while.
I never thought about how the conversation could be private because she might have shared something private with him. I don't think he'd be planning anything for me - this is the guy who forgot my birthday til 11am that day a few years ago!
26-05-2012 08:55 #36
Thanks Pippy - you've pretty much said everything the logical part of me was thinking!!! D@mn emotional part of me just seems to overpower the logical part sometimes!
26-05-2012 09:06 #37
I guess what you should ask yourself is: did you trust him before this whole text/female friendship fiasco?
Do you trust him now?
Sometimes we just to have that leap of faith in our other halves to restore balance. Even if he never shares with you what it was about, I think you should let it go (unless of course it's a repetitive thing).... It is easier said then done, but if I was in your other halves shoes and my friend had told me something in the strictest of confidence, or I was telling my friend something I wasn't ready to share with dp, and somehow he found out and flipped his lid and would jump to conclusion of affair - I would be devastated that he could think that of me. I would also get entirely peeved off if he didn't let it go and kept pestering me about what we were talking about.....
Just something to consider anyway
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26-05-2012 09:21 #38Member
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I agree Pippy, I was trying figure out how to word it, then you posted
26-05-2012 09:25 #39
I'm sorry I've already posted on this but I've been thinking about this alot since I read this.
I don't see how op wouldn't jump to conclusions??
By pouncing on phone, by deleting the texts and by not telling her what is so private.
I would certainly jump to conclusions!
If it was so innocent why wouldn't he show her to totally put her mind at ease?
How would he feel if you were hiding and then deleting texts from a recently separated male neighbor who is " so easy to talk to"?
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26-05-2012 09:30 #40
Can you ask your neighbor if she is alright just to see if it something from that side - like her personal issue that he can't share. I don't tell my husband everything ht friends tell me in confidence but I can easily explain that if asked without divulging their confidence!
if this was me I'd certainly be explaining to my partner that even if there was nothing wrong and he didn't think he'd done anything wrong that I felt wronged and it would take time to build trust back. Your feelings are valid and your husband should acknowledge that.
My ex mostly had female friends. I'm sorry to say it isn't a positive story.
I think writing on here is different to what he did because if he asked you, you would admit I'm thinking and be happy to explain about what you wrote on here, to explain your feelings.
Opposite sex friends are fine as is not sharing everything but the primary relationship must come first. I'm not sure that's happened here.
Take care xx
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