Hi, I'll try and make a long story as short as possible to get some opinions.
I've been with DH for 5 years. My MIL hates me with a passion. I think it's because she use to have a lot I control over my DH but since I entered the pic, she hasn't had any. My FIL gives me the creeps. In a nutshell, I believe he has sexually abused my DH's children. There is a lot of history with FIL that leads me to believe this. I kept it to myself for years, but last year, I told DH what I really thought. DH didn't stand up for his father, but later told me there was no point as I had made my mind up.
MIL &FIL rang DH the day before we go married saying they were not coming to our wedding. (this suited me fine but I knew DH was devo). They turned up after saying this.
I've had NOTHiNG to do with them since our wedding 3.5 years ago. My DH takes his children to see them
From time to time (and a couple of them don't want to go) but I refuse to see them. I have not allowed them into my home for over 4.5 years.
I'm expecting bubs to arrive in August and I KNOW they will want to see the baby etc. I'm freaking the hell out as I don't even want FiL laying eyes on bubs, let alone hold bubs. MIL will have nothing nice to say (as usual) and I'm sick to my stomach thinking about what will happen after bubs arrives. I know my DH will expect to take bubs to see his parents but I can not trust them with MY BABY!!! What will I do??? Help!
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25-05-2012 05:23 #1
In laws and new baby... Help
25-05-2012 05:33 #2
Wow I couldn't read and not reply I don't have any great advice except trust your gut. You have these thoughts for a reason. Good luck.
25-05-2012 09:37 #3Senior Member
- Join Date
- Feb 2012
- Brisbane North
maybe get him to meet them in public somewhere... least they won't be in their house i suppose?
25-05-2012 09:52 #4
I feel for you
What a horrible feeling having someone in your family that you suspect has done such terrible things.
I'm not sure how to handle it exactly, but I think you should trust your instincts on this man and keep your baby away from him.
I'm sure there are others on this forum who have been in similar situations with family members they don't trust, I hope you get some helpful advice from them.
25-05-2012 10:09 #5
That's a hard one.
My DS is almost 2, and I have kept him away from all of MILs family. She was abused by her brothers as a kid, who were abused by their grandfather after being sent there by their mother for a holiday even though she was abused by her father as a child so should have kept her kids away from him! DS has never met any of them, and my kids never will.
There's not a chance in hell my kids are ever going to be near them. I had a really off sense about MILs brother when I first met him, it wasn't till years later I found out what he did to MIL. Trust your instincts and do what you feel is best. My DP supports me in not wanting our kids near them, but I can imagine how difficult it could be for you disagreeing with your DH about this.
I wouldn't be letting them in my home. And would not take my kids to theirs either. I think it sounds a bit off that some of your DHs kids aren't comfortable going there either, and would try find out a little more.
Good luck with your decision.
25-05-2012 11:13 #6
Thanks for your replies. I have tried to talk to DH's kids about "bad touching" and told them they can tell me anything and that they would not be in any trouble. They all seem scared but won't tell me anything!!
All the kids have seen a psychologist and one admitted to being abused but won't say by who. My gut tells me I am right, and I do have a good radar for these things and believe I can read people fairly well.
It's just so sickening and i feel trapped in a way. Of course my baby will come before anything else, but I'm so scared of the rift it can potentially cause between DH and I when I have "no proof".
25-05-2012 11:20 #7
on the suspicion of abuse, i would try to get the kids to keep seeing a professional in the hopes that it might be revealed so you can prevent this from happening to them or to your child.
on the issues with mil and fil - in my opinion they have given up their right to see their grandchild when they refused to try and resolve things with you. Being part of their sons family is a privilege not a right - they have not done anything to show they deserve to be part of your family and more importantly that they would be a positive influence in any of your lives.
Sometimes, we have to cut the ties that are negative - even if those ties are related to us by marriage or blood.
Your husband can maybe set some ground rules up for his parents if they wish to see your new child which include making peace with you and being supervised while meeting the baby - i would suggest you be there to protect your child in case your suspicions are true.
good luck xox
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25-05-2012 11:28 #8
Oh my goodness, what a tough situation you are in. Made all the more difficult if you and your DH do not agree with the best course of action from here on in. Ultimately, I suppose that given that your baby will be his child too, he has the right to visit his parents with the child if he really wants to. Do you think that if you really put your foot down and told him you weren't comfortable with it he would respect that? If not, there may not be much you can do. Would it be any better if you met in a public place and you went along so at least you could be in control of the situation a little?
I agree that ongoing professional help for the other kids would likely be beneficial and hopefully if there is abuse that has occurred it may come out as trust is gained.
25-05-2012 12:06 #9Senior Member
- Join Date
- Apr 2012
The thing is your partner has no intentions cutting ties with his parents and because you are a partnership you have to respect his needs too. How would you feel if he thought ur parents had done something terrible and you didn't believe him either because you didn't want to or because of your sense of judgement. If I was in your situation, no matter how much I disliked someone and if I strongly thought they were touching mychildren or my partners children wouldn't you want to go on these outings to the in laws house so you can protect. I wouldn't give a **** if my mil and fil whinged and put me down as long as the children were in deed safe. the only way you can prevent your baby from seeing them is when your partner agrees and by the sounds of it he loves his parents and wants them to be a part of his life. You will feel safer about it if you go and keep an eye on everything.
25-05-2012 12:40 #10
Yes your right. I would go along to a public place with my baby if my husband insists that his parents see our baby. I wouldn't gonto their house as they have a multitude of dogs, cats, chickens and they live in a tiny place with all these animals running wild, it's disgusting! So for health reasons alone, I would support my husbands right for our baby to see his parents but it would have to be in a public place with me there. It is a small price to pay when it's your children at stake. They just make me physically sick though, and I think it's so unfair that they have very little to do with the current kids yet I know they will want to see the baby (as most people do). Just makes me irate, and I hate how blind DH is. Yes he admits his mother is a nasty piece of work and he has had several words with both his parents in my defence which I think is wonderful. It's the subject of molestation/abuse that he can't handle, which I get, it would be hard for any child to be told that their parent may be an abuser... However, my gut also tells me that my DH may have been abused himself. His brother was abused and both his sisters are not married, not in relationships and both neally 40. Both sisters have never had relationships with men... Wonder why???
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