My fragility comes and goes. Sometimes I think I'm OK. Other times I wish all pregnant people and new mothers would drop off the earth and stop tormenting me with their existence. When I was on the Concept wait list, no less than 5 women in my office were pregnant. They were a really cliquey group who knew I was waiting to try but couldn't make my "not belonging to the group" any clearer. I'd try to join in conversations just to get turned backs or the conversation stop as I walked up to them. It was horrendous and they were genuinely perplexed when I stopped talking to them all.
After my first failure I ended up with a pregnant woman sitting next to me in yoga. I kept turning to face the wall fighting tears the whole time. It really didn't help that the instructor loves her pregnancy classes so paid her lots of attention.
I am just starting to feel like I could try again after my last BFN but it has taken a couple of months and I am kind of bitter these days. I feel no shame about the fact that there is no way on earth I'd take part in a baby shower or birthday and I don't feel particularly happy for other women getting pregnant either It is tough to see it pass you by and I own that it hurts me. If you'd like to see a semi-humerous take on that, I recommend the blog of labelletterouge. The worst situation I ever heard of was someone still birthing triplets one after the other. I really don't know if I could ever move forward from that though sometimes experiencing pregnancy symptoms seems like it would be enough.
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21-06-2012 19:57 #101
Last edited by Net3811; 21-06-2012 at 20:01.
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21-06-2012 22:24 #102
Clem I'm not sure what keeps me going?? I'm sure I have have become more resilient and stronger from ivf. It has also made me a fighter!
When we began our first cycle in 2006 I was a complete mess when it didn't work and had severe depression for 2 yrs, it took us another year after that before we tried ivf again(2009). However since doing it regularly in 2011 till now, I seem to cope better. I think I find comfort in that I know I can get pregnant and that it's just a matter of finding out how to keep me pregnant.
I make sure I don't stay at home, I go out a socialise- go to a pub, even go to friends baby showers, friends/ family kids birthdays etc as I don't want to deny them this wonderful gift they have and I love sharing those special times especially with my nieces and nephews. We just try and not let ivf take over our lives, we decided we can't put our lives on hold anymore as we don't know when it will happen and will miss out on so much if we dwell.
Emotionally it is hard and it does pull at the heart strings, but I just keep telling myself our time will come!!
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22-06-2012 08:12 #103
Clementine I understand what your going through. It's the hardest and most emotional roller coaster ever. I get so down after EPU through the 2WW especially after a BFN. When the cycle starts again and it's time to inject, BT and US it gets me up again. I still feel as if I will never get preggers and try to stop thinking about ridiculous things like my baby shower etc. I so can't wait to experience it all but that's what gets me down the most. It's a hard road but if we don't go through it we will never know if we could hold our own child.
Last edited by Rachael3; 22-06-2012 at 08:15.
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22-06-2012 18:01 #104
I am pretty much exactly the same as Zakmick, so I will ditto everything she has said. Any negative thoughts/feelings I've had with pregnancy announcements have only been momentary and then I just get caught up in their joy. But I have written about it all before
I know facing depression (work related though) has made me stronger... the hardest part was finally fessing up that I needed help to sort it out....and getting a psychologist was the best thing I did.
All I can say is, if you are finding it tough and it is stopping you from participating in life... please talk to someone. I won't lie, it's confronting and hard work, but well worth it. This journey is hard, so you need to have find ways to properly cope with the disappointment and the loss and there is nothing wrong with getting help to find what works for you. I feel that negativity and associated chemicals your body circulates, is not conducive to pregnancy
I have really surprised myself, I thought I would be feeling more peeved about losing another month because I broke my arm... I guess if I chose to focus on that I probably would be. But I am focussed on healing (physio is the pits) and this time is giving my body a rest to be better placed for success next time.
23-06-2012 18:33 #105
I have a big grin on my face. I have always been a bit psychic (no... not psycho!!). Last night I dreamt I had a baby girl. She comes 6 weeks premature, is tiny, has dark hair and very delicate facial features- like a fairy.
Suddenly, I just KNOW my dreams will come true.
Feeling very positive about the future now. I just feel like it's a matter of time.
Does anyone else ever dream about their future baby?
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23-06-2012 19:33 #106
Fortitude - I dreamt about dd before having her and while pregnant I had so many dreams about my baby! I hope your dream is a premonition. I would be feeling extremely happy if I were sent another sign that a baby might find its way to me again.
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24-06-2012 19:37 #107
You girls are all wonderful. Such strong, brave women. I really do draw so much inspiration from this forum.
How are you all doing?
I think the last few weeks have just been really tough so its all been building up. I've been to 2 baby showers in the last month, both of which I had to go out to the baby shop to buy presents for and i also made cupcakes. I'm always really happy to celebrate my friends babies, i'm glad to do it but i guess its probably hurting in the back of my mind. At the last baby shower, i held a work friends newborn and he fell asleep on me so i ended up carrying him for about 2 hours (which was fine) and everyone kept saying "oh you look good with a baby, when are you having one". They couldn't have known i had just lost one, but its still hard. Then with the chick at work announcing her pregnancy last week. I think it was just all too much!
I'm trying to look forward, hoping that one day, we will be the lucky ones. We went to see Barry Humphries/Dame Edna on sat night and our cheeks were hurting from laughing so much so i think that was good for us. I'm back on the roller coaster for the next transfer, scheduled for friday the 13th so hopefully its a lucky omen!!
24-06-2012 20:09 #108Senior Member
- Join Date
- Dec 2011
- Far North Qld
I'm really starting to stress out over this whole journey. I cried at work yesterday when a visiting co-worker kept going on about her 6 month old. I'm happy for her but I just can't stand to hear or see anything to do with babies. I know these feelings will pass so I am allowing myself to do so for now. I had a very good counsellor several years ago who taught me how to claw my way out of depression, how to recognise the signs and get help when needed. One very important lesson was that it was ok to "feel" your feelings. That is, if you feel sad, then be sad, if you feel angry, be angry. Its a matter of how you express your feelings thats the key, like , its ok to feel angry, just don't express it by hitting someone, that kind of thing. I go through about 100 changes of feelings a day right now, but I know its because I'm scared as hell about my surgery this week. Its not the surgery thats the problem, its the thought that this may not work and that no matter what I do or how hard we try, we may never get our baby.
AF has gone awol so I'm stressing over that. the surgeon will only do this procedure betwen day3 and 12 of your cycle and she's 3 days late now. I fly out tomorrow after lunch to Sydney and just have to wait down there until she shows up and they can book me in. Apparently fate, karma, whatever, thinks I'm a millionaire.
Somehow I don't think I will get much sleep tonight so I will probably be adding more posts throughout the night, so you can't say I didn't warn you.....haha.
24-06-2012 20:18 #109
Good luck Amps, I'm a night owl so I'm sure I'll check in to see how your going.
I pray the surgery works for you!!! And AF decides to be nice for a change and shows when you want her!!!
Clem we all help one another, I think another reason I cope better now is because of bh too and all of you!!!
24-06-2012 21:17 #110
That sucks Amps. Stupid bloody AF, seriously its always the way!! When you don't want it to turn up, it comes a day early to knock you off your perch, when you need it to arrive, it doesn't show up!
If you can't sleep, have a look on this site. I found it recently, a great place to go if you need a little pick me up http://www.fmylife.com/
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