I had a chemical preg (confirmed on Tuesday) after my last round of IVF ICSI-HA and I have seen quite a number of ladies going through similar experiences in the past couple of weeks. I figured we needed our own place to vent and help each other to move forward.
I have a tendancy to be fairly pragmatic in the first instance. I just go into fix-it mode, get the initial steps sorted out and then I give myself a few moments to mourn my loss. Then I try to focus my energy on moving forward.
On Tuesday morning, the day of my BT and early scan, I went through the ritual of POAS... the test took too long to develop and the line was not as dark as it was on Sunday. So I knew and I was prepared...told my nurse I wasn't too confident before going into do my BT too. I was really lucky to have my DH come with me. I had told him that if it was good news, I wanted him there to share it, if it was bad, I was going t need him. Of course, we saw nothing on the scan... we were 5wks6d ... I was at least hoping to see the sac. That dull empty feeling started to hit me... I walked straight across the hall to my FS office to make an appointment (next Wed) and then walked into the elevator and broke down.
DH said do you want to go home... I decided that was wise, as I didn't want to get the call on the BT confirming my suspicions at work and without DH. I called work, told my boss (who is an absolute gem) and went home. I got the call in the afternoon... my hCG had halved from Friday. I cried a bit more that afternoon...I am taking the fact that we got implantation as an improvement on the previous cycle and now I am looking forward.
My boss... who has had his own long adn arduous IVF journey (they had a DD in Feb... finally) ... put a packet of choc-honeycomb on my desk with a note saying his wife "liked choc-bullets and chips, they didn't have any bullets" ... I tell you, that nearly undid me yesterday morning I was so touched (brings a tear to my eye just sharing this with you now).
So I have a final BT on Tuesday to make sure my hCG is below 5 and waiting for AF. Looking forward to grilling my FS next Wednesday. We have a frosty (blast), but I am not sure whether we should use it or save it and do another stim.... how many stim cycles can you do in a year?
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24-05-2012 11:06 #1
From BFP to BFN and moving forward (chem and early MC support)
24-05-2012 11:54 #2
Hey Meshell thanks and here's hoping I don't see you here other than to help prop us up ;P =)
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24-05-2012 16:11 #3
was thinking of starting a thread too, as there has been too many of us at the moment. I have a migraine (blurry eyes) at the moment, i think its from the endone they gave me to take from the d & c yesterday- so having trouble reading and typing. It may be good as wel as venting, to be able to share what our FS are going to do differently too, so we dont have to be here ever again.
Ill be back.
The Following User Says Thank You to Zakmick For This Useful Post:
24-05-2012 16:41 #4
One of the ladies in the IVF 40+ forum just had the same thing happen.
It really is devastating. Drop by the 40+ gang anytime. They are a great bunch.
The honeycomb story made me tear up just thinking about it!
The Following User Says Thank You to Fortitude For This Useful Post:
24-05-2012 17:32 #5
Hey Fortitude, well let her know we are here if she can use this space.
I have swung by the 40+ thread a couple of times (shhh)... but I am not yet ready to accept I am 40 ..lol My birthday was only a couple of weeks ago, so I am still in denial haha, this bubba was supposed to be my ultimate present, never mind.
Zakmick... re our next steps and what our FS will do differently is exactly the type of thing that I hope would be shared here. I think it is that kind of thing that will help inspire us to get past the loss and refocus and give each other some ideas and questions to ask our own FS.
24-05-2012 17:38 #6
Great thread Minxyq, I needed this thread a few weeks ago but vented in the Melbourne thread
I was having trouble trying to remain positive for my third cycle (FET) which is tomorrow after my first FET ended in a chem. I was feeling quite negative and couldn't get my head around doing another cycle this month. I'm ok now, I'm feeling much more positive. I went to see a counsellor yesterday but I really needed to see one last week. I do think they help as I was angry and frustrated and just being able to vent helped.
I know two cycles is not a big deal and I know there are many ladies here who have been through so many more, but the BFP that turned into a BFN made all the negative things I have been through in the past three years surface again (husband had cancer, reason for doing IVF in the first place) I feel we have run over a black cat or been cursed. I hate waiting, I feel our life has been on hold for three years.
I'm sure I'm just being impatient and things will turn out fine
Last edited by kmvw; 24-05-2012 at 20:21.
24-05-2012 18:45 #7
kmvw, I know exactly what you mean. We've been trying for to 2.5 years and it feels like our life has stopped while everyone else around us just keeps on moving on. Feels like we're in a whole and we can't get out with no light at the end of the tunnel. Everything we have worked for, everything we have bought was to help us start our family happy and comfortably. We've been through an IUI, 2 stim cycles, failed FET (BFP to BFN) and a failed FET before transfer. It's been hell, never thought I would feel like an outsider from so many groups including friends, work and family with so many having children of their own.
Last edited by Rachael3; 24-05-2012 at 18:55.
24-05-2012 19:03 #8Senior Member
- Join Date
- Dec 2011
- Far North Qld
I can relate so well to this thread. I feel so isolated from everyone around me, friends, family etc. Having such a huge family is quite hard for me because it seems like nearly every week someone is pregnant or has just had a baby. I'm much older than my cousins and my dh has nieces and nephews our age, half his siblings are grandparents and here we are struggling so hard to have even one baby. My mother has called to see if I'm ok but its so awkward for both of us as she really has no comprehension of what its like. I told her I needed space, so instead of calling with some silly little thing she outright asks "so, how are you?" I don't want to have to analyze how I'm feeling right now, thats why I asked for space. I got an invite to my cousins wedding reception in just over a week and his bride to be is about 7-8 months pregnant, no thanks, i just can't face it. We had 2 great-nieces born last week, feeling no pressure or sense of failure here.............
i keep thinking I must have been Hitler or someone in a previous life to be put through all this torment and torture. It feels like Karma is *****-slapping me for half the world's sins.
Sorry for rambling on but I figure you ladies would be able to understand where I'm coming from.
I'm still waiting for my body to catch on that it's over, so, of course, af will take her sweet-**** time in showing up. I will grieve 1 final time then i think, then focus on the next step.
24-05-2012 19:07 #9Senior Member
- Join Date
- Dec 2011
- Far North Qld
Ooops! Apologies to the administrators for my "inappropriate" language, and thankyou for filtering.
24-05-2012 21:00 #10
Amps, I totally understand everything you're feeling and saying. My mother does exactly the same thing at no fault of her own as she does not understand what we are going through. I counted approx. 23 pregnancy's and births since the day we started trying, I'm sick of shopping at pumpkin patch for gifts. It's heart breaking and now we have come to the point where we pick and choose the events we go to, if it's too hard we won't go. I have told my BFF I need some space after our latest BFN, feels like I need space from everyone right now. Hopefully we'll get our BFP's soon.
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