I think the best thing is to be honest. Just say to them that you don't know much about it but that you are there for them to talk to if they need it. I think she would be impressed to know that you are trolling IVF forums to try and find out some info for yourself too.
General rule of thumb, if it's a cliche, don't say it. And remember that sometimes us IVF folk like to be a bit negative, when I am cycling I am always saying that it won't work and hunting for AF symptoms and as such. Don't necessarily agree with her or reinforce what she says, but don't try and be positive or make her "feel better". Just be there.
+ Reply to Thread
Results 51 to 60 of 345
21-05-2012 10:24 #51
21-05-2012 10:52 #52Member
- Join Date
- Dec 2011
"Relax" - 4 years of trying i was pretty over it in the end
"Your still young you have plenty of time" - Umm no i dont. My AMH is so low that im going to apparently go through menopause earlier than most people my age.
"You can have my eggs or ill carry your baby" I understand they are being supportive but it isnt helpful when you havent started IVF yet. It just feels like they feel like we cant do it with our own eggs & sperm & we havent even started yet.
"You sure you want kids" & "You want one of mine" When there child is crying & running a muck. Of course we want children. We arent doing IVF for fun.
Then when you are pregnant, they ask "Do you have a preference for the sex of the baby" Its still amazes me people who know we are doing IVF ask this. Of course we dont have a preference we took so long to get here we just want our baby to be healthy & growing & in our arms.
The Following User Says Thank You to babywishes4me For This Useful Post:
21-05-2012 12:30 #53
When I found out my brother and SIL were beginning IVF treatment after years of trying and a few miscarriages, I sent them both a Facebook PM telling them that I loved them, that I hoped it all went well, that I realised what a stressful time it was going to be for them and that I wouldn't be constantly on their backs asking them what was going on and when. I told them that I would never pretend to have a clue what they were goign through. I told them that I was interested in knowing when transfers and things were happening, but I wasn't going to bombard them with questions and they could just let me know if they wanted me to know. I let them know that I was thinking of them and that I 100% supported them. I told them I would always be there to talk to if they needed someone other than eachother to talk to.
I don't know if this was wrong or right, but it seemed to be ok. They thanked me for my message, and always kept me updated on what was going on without me asking them. The subject wasn't taboo at all, I just was very cautious not to overstep my involvement, because really, it isn't anyones business other than the couple going through it.
21-05-2012 14:05 #54
These are great, just what I needed! I have had some stupid one's too.
When I told a friend we had secondary infertility and would prob try IVF as no success naturally she said "you're obviously not doing it right, how did you manage to get DS?" WTF!
I also get told ALL the time that I am lucky to have DS like I don't know this. Yes, I am lucky, I'm very blessed but I would like to have another baby and give him a sibling, is my desire for a second child not valid because I already have one?
On the other side of this, by someone who didn't know we were having problems conceiving I was told I was selfish not to give DS a sibling as "only children are lonely children".
You can't win.
21-05-2012 15:04 #55Senior Member
- Join Date
- May 2010
Some of my favs are:
You know it only takes normal people sex to become pregnant? Umm, insulting much?
Maybe if you tried a bit harder, it would work.
When someone found out that DH was infertile they told me to just have sex with someone else and when I fell pregnant just let DH think it is his. Umm did they ever think DH may become a little suspicious considering he does not produce sperm full stop?
Another from a so called friend was to tell me how hard it is being infertile (she had been trying for a total of 2 months) and when I said yeah I know, she turned around and told me I had no idea as I wasn’t actually infertile.
My personal fav was a friend telling me that I was so lucky DH was infertile as I could now choose a sperm donor that I thought was better looking and smarter than DH .
The Following User Says Thank You to puffsgirl11 For This Useful Post:
21-05-2012 15:20 #56
Here's one that other MFI gals get I'm sure:
"Oh, does he wear boxers or briefs, cause if he wears briefs tell him to wear boxers. Then he'll be fine."
"I have a friend who had a low sperm count and he took menevit for a couple of months and cut out alcohol" then he was fine.
That's when you have to break it down for them.
"A normal man produces 20million sperm per ml of semen, on our first stim cycle we needed 2 samples to get 4 sperm to fertilise 4 eggs, that's less than 4 sperm in about 5ml of semen."
*wish there was a smiley face to symbolise banging my head on a brick wall*
21-05-2012 15:41 #57Senior Member
- Join Date
- Oct 2009
I think the absolute worst response is just silence.
I'm pretty open about it, and I find it helps to talk about it. But if I start telling someone about where we're up to, or if I mention to someone (who didn't already know) that we're doing IVF, and they go silent... look embarrassed... look away... Well, it makes me feel terrible.
I think sometimes people think that it will upset me to talk about it. But if I've brought it up then I really do want to talk about it. Talking helps me.
Awkward silence makes me feel like I've committed a terrible faux pas/ said something I shouldn't.
21-05-2012 15:50 #58
The Following User Says Thank You to felicita For This Useful Post:
21-05-2012 16:16 #59
This thread is making me laugh even though I don't have any personal experience in IVF
But I have to guiltily admit I have said some of these things (especially the I had a friend who did IVF then fell pregnant naturally.. But only cos I do seem to have a lot of these..)
I do have a question though. I have several friends about to start IVF, so from your experience what WOULD be a good, supportive, non-patronizing thing to say? Just 'how are you feeling with everything' if they happen to bring it up? What did you find helped (or at the very least did not offend..)
21-05-2012 16:31 #60Senior Member
- Join Date
- Oct 2009
One of my friends has been lovely. She's texted on days when I've had 'important' appointments - which means a lot that she remembered them. She's always just asked questions about the process, how the drugs made me feel, and said things like "You poor thing - that totally sucks!"
I know that doesn't sound like she's saying much, but for me that's just what I need - to feel that someone 'gets' how crappy it all is!
Sometimes when people say things like "Ahh you'll get there" it feels like they're brushing off how devastating this all is.
And maybe ask them "Is there anything I can do? Do you want to catch up for a coffee/ wine/ decaffeinated beverage (depending on what they're doing) on Tuesday (or day of appointment)?"
When they go for egg pick-up they might be a bit sore/ out of sorts afterwards (it's a general anaesthetic), so again you could ask "Can I do anything to help? Do you want me to come over?"
I'm sure they'd appreciate you asking, even if they didn't take you up on it. I'm sure that however you approach it you will do it the right way, as you sound very lovely to be wanting to get it right now.
By scarymarygoldfish in forum Games & fun stuffReplies: 61Last Post: 24-02-2013, 11:27
By Zombie_eyes in forum General ChatReplies: 138Last Post: 21-01-2013, 23:30
By GlitterFarts in forum Pregnancy & Birth General ChatReplies: 7Last Post: 03-10-2012, 08:30
SoftmatsSoftmats specialises in safe, non-toxic, and durable play mats. The international Premium Dwinguler™ Play Mats and ...
LATESTToilet training: when is the best time to start?Why it is OK for your child to be differentWhat is a blessing way? How is it different to a baby shower?
POPULARWhen can I start giving chores to my children?New baby nursery checklist – a guide to newborn essentialsWhat to pack for labour and hospital – a checklist
FORUMS - chatting now ...
First time school starters 2017 chat thread!School aged children
IVF babies due Sep/Oct/Nov 2017pregnancy and babies through IVF
Awesome Mums of Autistic kids-how many of us are there (#3)????????Parents of Children with Special Needs
Growth Of Intellection. Discussion?General Parenting Tips, Advice & Chat
What is going on!?Conception & Fertility General Chat
Largest bassinets on market?Pregnancy & Birth General Chat
Missed miscarriage... waiting, waiting, waitingPregnancy Loss Support
Chickenpox after being immunised?Pro-Vaccination