Just throwing it out there as something else to contemplate but when you are showing may play a part too. One of my SILs you can tell from about 7 wks and the other I never figure out till she tells us (usually at the 16-20 wks mark). If you look like you might be it might be better to say something than having guessing games going on. I do agree with others though that it just needs to be done with a sensitivity towards those who may be still grieving and that it sounds, to me at least, that your mum is worried about the negative possibilities and wants to have it all cleared so she doesn't get her hopes up. All the best with your pregnancy.
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18-05-2012 19:13 #21
18-05-2012 19:33 #22
Just from my experience, even though they have been to hell and back, they probably won't appreciate being treated like mushrooms (ie fed a lot of bullsh!t). Yes, it might- probably will- upset them but they will also probably appreciate your honesty (providing you break the news in gentle and delicate way). As a mum herself, as painful as it might be for her, I highly doubt she would want to feel as though she is robbing you of your right to feel happy and celebrate your pregnancy. I would sit down with both her and your brother and gently break the news, then together come up with boundaries of how you will handle it all.
As an example... I found out I was pregnant 2 days before my very close friend who was also my housemate gave birth to her son at 26 weeks. He survived for 12 hours. So while I was still on a high with my news, she was planning her baby's funeral. I stopped talking about my pregnancy for fear of upsetting her even more. About a week after the funeral she asked me why I never spoke about it. I told her because I didn't want to rub it in or make her uncomfortable. She said she felt worse when I didn't speak about it because she liked remembering the happy feelings, and she didn't want me to be miserable at such a happy time. We agreed that at least to start with I wouldnt mention it unless she asked (which she did almost every day), and slowly we got goths point that we could openly talk about it and both of us get excited. She was over the moon when bub was born.
18-05-2012 19:39 #23
Congratulations. I tend to agree with your mum sorry! As a PP said, you're still in that shaky period before the magical 12 week mark. Considering the miscarriage you've had and the still birth your SIL had, it's probably not a bad idea for everyone to just calm down and keep fingers and toes crossed that all goes well? Once you're past that 12 week mark and all is going well, then I'd tell them. But I'd probably keep it to myself till then.
Just mho. Either way, congrats and I hope everything works out!!
18-05-2012 20:02 #24
So sorry to hear about all you've had to endure to get to this stage! But congratulations!
I'm sorry about the loss of your nephew
My youngest SIL found out she was pregnant 2 weeks before DH and I were going to start IVF after 4 years of not falling pregnant at all. I'm the oldest in our family, she married my youngest brother.
Something from this I hope might be useful for you is that they told us as soon as they found out at 5 weeks. I was devastated and cried for a week and our relationship was shaky for a couple of months, but is very good now. I think if they'd waited for 4 months like your mum has suggested I would have felt utterly deceived. Sometimes our mum's best intentions can be a little off.
Secondly, as silly as it might sound, it's really hard to accept that our mums are not only a mum to us - she's equally your brother's mum just as she is yours. I can't think of a harder thing than to have two children both hurting so much and not being able to help them and on top of that to not appear to be favouring one over the other. It took me a while before I could understand that my mum had to both be happy for my brother while grieving with me and that it still meant she loved us both the same.
18-05-2012 20:04 #25
Hi there. Congrats on your pregnancy I hope it all goes smoothly for you.
It's a shame when family bonds get upset during such a happy time. Here's my opinion:
I am assuming your brother and sister in law know that you were planning on conceiving... Therefor they would more than likely be happy to hear that you have been successful. Of course this will bring back sad memories of their loss, as I am sure it does for you, but never underestimate the power of birth. It's a time for families to come together and it may even be helpful/reassuring to your SIL that good can come from a history of bad. But I agree with Rae, that you should tell them in private, and be prepared for a mixed-bag of reactions.
Good luck with everything and be sure to let us all know how it turns out.
Oh and be kind to your mum, maybe explain your feelings (calmly- I know that can be hard when you are pregnant haha) and how you feel about what she said. She may have just jumped down your throat without thinking.
18-05-2012 20:16 #26
I feel kind of funny about your OP. Your SIL didn't "abort" a pregnancy at 26 weeks. She was induced and gave birth to a still born baby. The reason why is irrelevent.
Anyway, congratulations on your pregnancy. I think your mum is just trying to keep everyone from getting upset and unfortunately that can't be done in this situation. I would wait until after the first trimester and then privately tell your brother and sil you are expecting.
18-05-2012 20:37 #27
Ive given birth to a stillborn.. And would never, ever begrudge someone elses happiness or pregnancy or child.
Grief is not about 'my loss was worse than yours so you have to be super considerate of me.' The loss of a child is devastating, at 7 weeks, at 26weeks, at 40 weeks. You both (and your mother) will grieve as you need to, but i believe that is a personal thing. Your pregnancy and happiness should not impact on her sons death. Her sons death will suck for her (and your brother and your mum) regardless of what you are doing/your pregnancy status.
Be happy for your baby, and share the news when you feel comfortable x
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18-05-2012 20:46 #28
Lil miss.. Your story is beautiful!
And i would agree that not being kept in the dark and fed bullsh!t is really helpful... I felt like such a leppar when i lost my baby girl, it felt like people would avoid me, and definitely avoid talking about babies in front of me, because they were worried about my reaction - it was the most horrible and isolating thing people could do to me
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18-05-2012 20:47 #29Senior Member
- Join Date
- Jul 2011
Congrats on bubs.
Everyone reacts differently so I can only tell you my story. I lost my 11th pregnancy at 11 weeks and 4 weeks later my sister announced she was 12 weeks. it took my body three weeks to release everything and so I was still grieving badly. She had no idea and to this day still dosn't. When she announced it was like a knife through my heart. I was happy for her but it threw me into a three month bout with depression that nearly destroyed my family. She went on about how the first one stuck and It somehow made me feel so bad I can't even find the words. It sounds like you and your family have talked more than I and being more open may cope with better with things. I would definately tell them privately and make sure they know how uncomfortable you feel, even though your happy for you make sure to ask them how they feel. Just them knowing your thinking of them may ease any pain they will feel.
Good luck and sticky dust to you.
18-05-2012 21:04 #30-
- Join Date
- Sep 2009
I think you have the right to tell anyone you want, when you want, but when it comes to your SIL and brother, be more tactful. Sit down quietly with them and tell them you're pregnant.
I do also think that maybe your mum is indeed worried that something can still go wrong with bubs in these 4 months. I know my mother told me to wait telling people because the first 12-16 weeks are always a lot riskier than further on in the pregnancy. Mum only told me this as eh miscarried a few times within the first 13 weeks.
Oh and your sister has miscarried 3 times since having her stillborn son?
Doesn't this tell her that it might be good to wait for her body to be fully recovered before getting pregnant again? Not just physically recovered, but mentally as well. It can take upto 9 months before your body physically gets back to normal again after such a traumatic pregnancy and mentally it can take a whole lot longer.
I mean, it is none of my business ofcourse, but if I were them, I wouldn't want to be rushing from 1 pregnancy to the other. It's proven that they physically have no problems in falling pregnant, it's just that her body can't maintain a pregnancy right now. So maybe they should have a break for a few months.
Again, none of my business and I might be overstepping the line with my comment, but it was the first thing that popped up in my mind when I read "3 miscarriages since December".
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