I found out about DH's problem when coming across TAB receipts (up to $100). Sometimes he would come home a couple of hours late, and would always have an excuse like traffic, car trouble etc. Then I would happen to 'stumble' across his phone and find messages between a friend talking about betting odds and tips, when confronting him he would admit that he went to the TAB on his way home, he would provide me with a regretful apology and promise it wouldn't happen again.
So the last time this happened and he swore it wouldnt happen again i told him that i would have to believe him because i had no choice, but if i ever caught him doing it again i would leave him.
Last night he popped out to pick up the pizza we ordered but didnt come home until an hour later. When I confronted him he swore he didnt go to the TAB and that it was closed anyway, his excuse was that he went to the wrong pizza shop because he didnt realise which one i ordered from, i knew he was lying because i confirmed where he needed to go just as he was leaving. I then noticed he spent the rest of the night playing with his phone. This morning i saw his browsing history and it was full of sportsbet pages and betting confirmations.
DH works two jobs to provide for our family and I have just returned to work from being on mat leave, but we are always struggling to keep up with bills. This puts added pressure on him to provide and has now admitted that his thought pattern was to try and double whatever we had left over in order to pay for a bill or do some shopping.
What makes this so hard is that he is an amazing father to our 9 month old daughter, and a wonderful and kind husband to me, we have no issues with substance abuse or violence, we get along really well and love each other to death.
Now I dont know what to do, he is begging me not to leave him and to give him another chance, he just texted me to say he has closed his betting account, he says he is now 110% committed whereas previous times he was only around 70%. The thought of separating our family breaks my heart but is that my only option? I want to do what is best for our DD.
Thanks for reading this far, I'm so ashamed to speak about this to anyone IRL!
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16-05-2012 10:00 #1Junior Member
- Join Date
- May 2012
My DH has a gambling problem and I dont know what to do...
16-05-2012 10:11 #2
You know if I was in your position I would either 1) follow through with your threat and make him prove himself. Because if you keep saying ok i'll give you another chance how many times will he walk over you and go behind your back and lie. Make him go to gambling addiction meetings or something.
2) Or take every cent and give him an allowance (enough for petrol and food) and if he blows his money on gambling he doesnt get anymore money till next pay day and he goes without. (I did this with DP who had a out of control drinking problem.)
That is what I would do in your position. I would definitely show him that you are serious. If he really wants to get better and stop he will work for it. Addicitions are not something you can just go cold turkey. It's hard no matter the addicition.
Hope this was a little helpful. Sending you lots of support! I know what it's like my dad have a gambling addicition as well.
16-05-2012 10:11 #3
It's not only that he's been betting, he's also been lying about and hiding it. Unfortunately something that addicts do. You've already warned him about the consequences if he did it again, and he has. Can you ask for proof that he's closed the betting account? Perhaps tell him as part of the deal if you don't leave him, even though he broke your trust and did it again, he should attend gamblers meetings and really try and kick this problem. Because its obviously a problem.
That's what I would do. I mean, the idea of separating is tough and if you're willing to give him one last shot with conditions - like proving he's closed it, attending meetings, getting help, being honest - then maybe you can avoid that altogether. I'd probably be willing to give it that last shot, provided he did all the things I mentioned. But, really, if it all happened again, lying and gambling, I'd feel like there is no option.
I'm really sorry I can't be of any more help.
16-05-2012 10:18 #4
I've been in this situation, my advice would be to get him to seek professional help, if he won't I'd leave him if I were you. You can't help someone who wont help themselves and maybe if you left him it would be the kick in the pants he needed. Good luck
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16-05-2012 10:21 #5
I wouldn't leave. But I'd take control of the finances temporarily (and maybe permanently). Pay goes into your account, you sit down together and work out a budget. He gets a set amount to cover his expenses (work lunches, transport etc). This way its very very easy to see if he's still gambling as he won't have money for petrol...
Then I'd ask him to see a counsellor. Gambling problems are very common and there are good counsellors who specialise in this area.
At this stage I'd see it as he needs help and support, but you also need a system to guarantee financial stability. So that's the path I'd take.
I'd also talk to someone yourself - a doctor, lifeline, or a paid counsellor if you can afford it, as its hard supporting someone in this position.
My husband has had addiction issues. Its not easy to work through it, but if he truly is committed to overcoming it then its definitely possible. Good luck.
Oh and wanted to add - complete transparency is crucial. No hidden bank accounts, no private passwords. He needs to show you the closed accounts, give you the password to his phone, online banking etc. Trust has to be earned and he's going to have to accept that due to his secrecy you can't trust him right now. Its going to take time to rebuild it and the only way to do that is with total honesty.
Last edited by MissMuppet; 16-05-2012 at 10:25.
16-05-2012 10:24 #6Senior Member
- Join Date
- May 2012
I'm really sorry that you are going through this. If you love him and are willing to put in hard work, then go with him to get help. These things dont just go away... take it from me.... I am the daughter of a gambler. My dad started like your husband... unfortunately when they have to lie about it, thats when you know they are in too deep....
My dad also apologised until he was crying. My mum took him back too many times.
My parents bought a house for $359k. They owed 250k on it when they bought it. 10 years later when my mum could no longer handle it, she left him and when they sold the house, they sold it for 540k... they walked out with $1000. That is how much my dad gambled... all the remortgaging over and over....
He borrows money from my mums work mates.... even after losing his family (4 years ago now) he wont stop. He earns 140k a year, and lives in his employees granny flat.
I never saw a wedding gift from him, and has not bought one thing for me. He even asked to borrow money while I was pregnant... and im talking thousands of dollars.
It has damaged my relationship with him. My daughter is 11 months old and ge hasn't seen her since she was 3 months old when he just left halfway through my dd christening ....
He is past the point of help as he wont seek it.
You have a chance to save your marriage and your future
.. don't let this ugly disease consume your family and tell your dh that you will take him back only if he gets help.
Pm me if you need anything xo
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16-05-2012 10:28 #7Senior Member
- Join Date
- May 2012
16-05-2012 10:28 #8Senior Member
- Join Date
- Nov 2011
The fact that he has a gambling problem and you are struggling to pay the bills even with three jobs may be connected. just a thought...
Ask him to go and see a counsellor, and if he doesn't then leave him. I know that's really harsh, and will be so hard on everyone, but the lying and the gambling means that he has a real problem that, unaddressed, will only get worse.
So sorry, this is a really tough position to be in
16-05-2012 10:28 #9
16-05-2012 10:34 #10
Hello. If it ever gets to the stage where he is willing to get help, most city public hospitals have gambling programs, which is free of course. They work with them slowing to work through it and even send them off and allow them to have a little gamble and slowly wean that down to nothing.
Hope this helps. Im in adelaide but im sure sydney have the same
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