Ill try to keep this short lol.
My partner has an 11 yr old daughter from a previous relationship. The bio mum fled the state and denied him access etc when his daughter was only 3. Only recently we have learned that bio mum has two other children and she is living in QLD. All three kids are in foster care (with great carers thank god and are all together) and my partner has been in contact with his daughter again which is fantastic she seems like a lovely girl despite being so neglected. (bio mum is in and out of rehab) Anyway my partner has phone calls with her once a week and it is going really well and he is going up on his own to see her later this year.
I want to know how to introduce myself in the future without putting any pressure on her. You know the whole evil, jealous stepmother thing-which i'm not! I have written her a letter (which i haven't sent yet) which explains a few things and to let her know i am here if she ever wants to get to know me. I would really appreciate if you could take the time to read this and tell me what you think.
I wanted to write this letter to let you know how happy your dad is to be apart of your life again. He is smart, funny and he loves you dearly. I can see the joy in his face and the pride in his voice when he talks about you. I also thought it could be an opportunity to introduce myself. My name is xxxxx and your dad and i have been together for eight years and we have three beautiful children. He told me he had a young daughter from the beginning and i was very excited to meet you. Unfortunately we didn't know where you were until last year and we learnt that you lived with your nan and pop in Qld.
When i was younger my mum wasn''t always able to look after me either even though she wanted to so my father raised me. It sounds as though your mum has been having a bit of a hard time as well. I'm not here to judge her or say nasty comments that would be unfair. As long as you and your siblings are together and safe that is what is most important.
My dad and i have a great relationship and i don't think i would be the person i am today without his influence. I would love for you to experience that too and will encourage any connection that you can have with your dad. I know i can never replace your mum- i wouldn't even try. I would like to think i can be your friend and if you want to share things with me then you can. If you don't that's ok too.
A bit about myself. I was born in Geelong. I grew up on a farm in NSW near the snow. I love animals especially horses and dogs and i like to host parties and cook for people.
Please remember that you and your siblings are always welcome in our home and you are considered to be part of our family. Take care of yourself and one day if you feel ready and would like to get to know me i would love that.
Honest opinions pls!
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15-05-2012 09:20 #1Senior Member
- Join Date
- Oct 2007
Letter to my step daughter
Last edited by insomniac; 15-05-2012 at 09:25.
15-05-2012 09:25 #2
Wow I think thats really nice
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15-05-2012 09:28 #3
I think it's lovely but I'd leave out mention of judging her mum, even though you're saying you aren't.
Don't give her reason to think the idea has even crossed your mind
Aside from that I think it's really nice :thumbup:
15-05-2012 09:29 #4
I think it sounds great, but i'd be careful writing about her mum, you don't know what emotions that would bring up in her. I was apart of a family that fostered kids and whenever one particular group of kids mum was brought up it was met with alot of anger. I'd have a chat with your hubby before having that in there. Also, be careful about inviting them to your house. My parents did this with the sibling of a foster child we already had and she destroyed the placement where she was so she could move in with us. Not saying your step daughter would, but it's something to think about. It's a lovely sentiment though.
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15-05-2012 09:30 #5
That's really lovely and I love how you have not talked down or babyed her.
It's a great letter!
15-05-2012 09:35 #6Senior Member
- Join Date
- Jan 2012
As above about her bio mum but other than that it's a really sweet letter that isn't talkin down to her and is really friendly. Good work and great idea. Good luck :-)
15-05-2012 09:39 #7
I would leave out the bit about her mum too...actually I would leave out your part of your story about your relationship with you mum and being raised by your Dad.
I think it could come across as your suggesting something.
I think those kind of stories could come at a later date once you've built up more of a relationship.
15-05-2012 11:11 #8Senior Member
- Join Date
- Oct 2007
Thank you everyone for your honest input it is much appreciated. I agree about leaving the part out about her mum. I think i was just trying to empathise with her more than anything and sometimes for various reasons our mums can't look after us properly. It doesn't mean they don't want to or they are bad people.
Perhaps instead of that i can talk about how lucky she is to have her foster family (apparently they are pretty close). Family isn't always about the family you are born into. It is the people that love and nuture us and want us to succeed. Not that we don't want that for her- but ykwim.
As for her siblings i think we want to include them because my partner and i were both brought up around families who constantly reminded us that "they are your STEP sisters, brothers, cousins etc" and they were treated differently which was cruel. It is a very sensitive situation and we just want to do the right thing by everybody. I know you can't please everybody lol and you have to be careful about who you let into your life.
15-05-2012 11:33 #9
This is just one of my thoughts.
Maybe for the time being leave out about your children?
I only say this because if she has been through all of this with being in and out of family's/ foster care ect ect she might be a bit tender.
She might feel as though her Bio dad has been off living a happy life with his other family. (I didn't really know how to word that, I hope I didn't offend)
I think it's absolutely amazing your writing her a letter, and taking out the time to see what others think.
I have no Bio brothers or sisters.. All 7 of them are half or step.
Step familys can be hard work, especially for the children and the step parent.
I think by letter her know you will always be there for her is excellent.
I understand that you want to be able to sympathize with her when you tell her about your background, maybe just for the time being just sympathize with her in a way that says
Your sorry that her childhood has been the way it is, and that your willing to do what it takes in order to make up for lost time ect.
It can be hard when writing a letter, words can be taken very different to what was intended, especially if the reader has been hurt emotionally.
Maybe you could also bring across that if she has any questions or just someone to talk to about anything you will be there for her.
These are just some thoughts.
I had a hard time trying to write what I mean so hopefully it came out all right.
What I'm really trying to say is maybe just make the letter all about her, if that makes sense.
Once again I think it's great your taking the time and effort to try and establish a relationship with your step daughter.
It's takes a very strong woman to be able to raise and be there for another's child.
15-05-2012 13:14 #10Senior Member
- Join Date
- May 2012
Hi, I would leave out the bits that mention her Mum as well as not mentioning the foster family stuff.
Id just introduce yourself and tell her she is welcome anytime to your place.
Id also leave out the bit where you mention you were raised by your father.
It could make her feel bad or strange for the situation she is in, whereas to her, her situation is probably quite normal for her because she has been living it forever.
Id also make your DP write a letter two.
Perhaps send some photos of the both of you and your house/ town etc.
Its great that you care, and thats the message you really want to get across.
That you care and that you are here if she needs you.
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