So do you suck it up and ignore it for the sake of family harmony?

[SassyMummy]

Okay, so I've gone on about my brother being a twit before. He's basically a big, arrogant, self-centred jerk who thinks he knows everything and is a chauvanist. He tends to like to bait people too - and for ages there he was trolling my (and other peoples) FB walls trying to start fights about everything. Just generally saying offensive, nasty stuff and then acting all innocent when people got shirty.

Anyway, it came to a head a little after the middle of last year. A few comments back and forth, his gf supporting him (she tends to stick up for him even when he says the most vile, stupid things...), blah blah. He told me I wasn't to be in his life, or his new baby's, because I was a horrible person, a bad parent and a bad influence on his baby. Also, DD was all those things too. I saw them at Christmas at Mums (cos we were all invited) and it was awkward and weird and Mum cried. She's openly unimpressed with all of this - though I keep telling her, it wasn't my doing.

So basically, I get an SMS from my brother's gf recently as her daughter's first b-day is coming up... she wants to send me an invite. I message her back a few times, being friendly. Even though she gave me the sh*ts for agreeing with everything my brother said just because he said it, I don't really have issue with her and was trying to build a bit of a bridge there. Esp. since our children are cousins.

I eventually ask, "So, does this mean you guys are okay with me now?"

She said something along the lines of, "You blocked and deleted us on FB! But it's okay. We've moved on. We're over it. We've forgiven you. We want you to come to the party."

I was okay with it when it happened a few days ago, but now I'm thinking, "WTF?!" because why do I need forgiving. I blocked and deleted my brother on FB (she deleted me...) because he was always causing issues on there, and HE told me I was a horrible person and insulted me and my child... and they forgive ME?!

Part of me wants to say, "UM, excuse me? What do I have to be forgiven for? Do you not remember when my brother insulted my child and my parenting ability, saying he didn't want us in his life for fear of leaving a negative impression on his child?"

But then another part remembers my Mum having a cry and how upset she is that her only 2 kids aren't talking and how weird Christmas was, etc... and how I hardly see them anyway, so I might as well just let it go and attend the party and be all friendly and nice for everyone elses sake (incl. DD who recently spent time with her baby cousin when Mum took care of them both).

So should I just suck it up and ignore the fact that it seems like they've laid all the blame on everything on me, and have had the good graces to forgive me for being such a terrible person ()? For the sake of family harmony?

[Guest1234]

I personally wouldn't, no.

[Ana Gram]

I'm inclined to agree with Bell & Bug. I wouldn't suck it up, although I would want to make amends for family harmony. There is no way I would sit back and take the blame for other people's bad behaviour. I did it for years with my ex best friend and learnt from that experience.

[Tamtam]

Sassy... Maybe we're related because I think we have the same brother and possibly mum! My mum gets incredibly upset by the rift in the family so I understand that guilty feeling you're talking about, about trying to keep your mum from being sad.

Personally, I don't think anyone can help you decide what's best because only you know how much you can handle and what your limit is with your brother.

But, if it was me, and my brother/SIL text me the same thing I think I would bite the bullet is go. You don't need to agree or say anything about the 'I forgive you' thing and you could just go and see how it all goes. Keep things superficial if you know what I mean. (this is what I do in family situations). If something is said that upsets you just leave gracefully and say bye without any issue and head home. If you think there might be something said that's not nice then maybe don't go?!?! If they're anything like my brother/SIL are then saying something will just fall on deaf ears because they're so arrogant.

I'm not being helpful really but I guess I just sympathise with the situation. I would never socialise with my brother if I couldn't leave and back out gracefully but I would go to keep my mum happy.
Good luck, these situations are awful and very upsetting.

[Mod-Zeddie]

I do not get along with my younger sister and I still I go to family events. I would probably go to a birthday of a child she had (she doesn't have any) because of my own suffering as a child, my uncles and aunts cutting me out of their lives even though the quarrel was with my parents. It's not the child's fault. I would go but ignore any stupid comments made by your brother or his gf. Maybe spend short amount of time there?

[Zombie_eyes]

No, dont suck it up. You did nothing wrong.

[sunnyflower]

I think there are are usually three sides to every story, theirs, yours and the truth. They are trying to be friendly so I would go but I would not get involved in any crap at the party, I would just say that I'm there to enjoy the party and then id move to another room. Family can be a pita and fb has a lot to answer for ...just go but don't let them start any crap...

[Elijahs Mum]

Yep, life's too short for silly arguments, be the bigger person, be nice, at least for your daughter and nieces sake, I'm not saying put up with any crap but don't go down to their level , show them your a better person and try start again, they obviously want too which is why they contacted you

[waterlily]

Personally no I wouldn't! I'm not the type to forgive and forget.

I have read all your threads about your brother and he is one A hole I wouldn't want in mine or my DDs life.

But I can understand why you want to make peace for your Mums sake.

I guess you could go to the party but 1 wrong move on their part and I'd cut all ties completely. What does your DP think?

Good luck hun.

[SassyMummy]

Thanks for all replies.

DP has an "eff them!" attitude. He thinks that if I was so horrible before, why am I suddenly not-so-horrible now? He's also angry because my brother said that DP was "probably partly to blame," for my daughter being such a horrible child. In all honesty, my brother just doesn't know what kids are like... but being the father of a few-week-old he thought he was an expert.

As for things blowing up at the party, I am not the type to start a fight, especially at a place like that, so the only way it'd happen is if he said or did something that made me want to punch him. He often does these things, but I think I can manage to contain my rage until the car-ride home (lol) unless he said something about my child, or specifically nasty to me.

In reality, I will never see them. Maybe birthdays and Christmas and any other "family" things we both get invited to... so I'm kind of leaning towards going, being friendly and polite, for Mum's sake, for DD's sake, I suppose for the baby's sake (not that she'll even notice or care at this age... but at least maybe we'll be in photos so she'll at least know who we are).

And yep - FB is a jerk for this crap... which is why I removed them both and blocked my brother. I hoped that would mean no more crap making me want to kick him... but then he just messaged me via her account (because she wasn't blocked) and that's when he was all "you suck," to me. It's not like I was exactly nice either, but that was AFTER he said nasty things about DD... and once that happens, sorry buddy but all bets are off!

Anyway, I think I'll probably go sans DP. Then at least when Mum's birthday or Christmas rolls around, it won't be so weird... hopefully... and I won't have to make her cry again. She's not that type who makes you feel guilty either (she's not liek Marie Barone at all!)... but she's really hating this whole thing, so I might as well just suck it up, put on a smile and be polite. I do it with DP's family (mostly SIL) for his sake, so if I can for him, I can for Mum too.