My sons friend was killed suddenly this week, we are from a small town and the teenagers are very close knit, the school is open but the year tens are not working this week, the are talking, making beautiful artwork and sharing memories, I think this is beautiful and hopefully healing to the children.
My problem is my boy doesnt want to go, he said he cant see the point if work is not being done, hes quiet, over exercising and sleeping alot, I know people grieve in differant ways and am wondering if I should let him do his own thing as my instincts are telling me to do or be abit more forceful. I think the grief from the girls is overwhelming to him also.
We have spoken alot about what happened and shared memories and I will continue to take every opportunity to just talk.
Has anybody been in this position and how did you handle it.
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09-05-2012 11:50 #1
Grieving teen - advice appreciated
09-05-2012 11:53 #2
My 17yo dss had a friend who was shot last year and he just needed space. He had 2 days off work and spent them at a memorial site organised by other friends. We then made him I back to work because as awful as it may sound... He still has his life and needs to get on with it, before he loses himself in the grwi
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09-05-2012 11:54 #3
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09-05-2012 12:02 #4
I think giving him a few weeks go grieve in his own way is fine. But after a month max make him get back into the routine of life. Try telling him his friend would want him to enjoy life and that it's ok to be happy. Maybe consider a counsellor if he's not talking about it
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09-05-2012 12:05 #5
My friend died when I was in year 9 and my suggestion is to let him grieve his way... I used to go for very long runs and had a week off school, my parents let me grieve my way, which was different from alot of the other kids at school... I just couldn't deal with being around others. It takes time... As long as he knows you're there for him it must be difficult to be the parent in this situation xox
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09-05-2012 12:06 #6
hi monkeybear, that is so sad for the whole community of young people. There is no right or wrong when you are talking about grief. Each person is different, and even the same person at different ages/ stages will deal with it all differently. Perhaps I would ask the teachers just what is happening in the class. If it is a bit too full on for your son, then leave him be alone. If you think he might benifit from the group expierence then suggest he attends. You konw your son best, and this is, no doubt, a whole new expierence for him to deal with. Year 10 makes your son, 15 /16? that is very young to be having to face the death of a classmate. I would let him be, just watch that he doesnt go into a depression or extreme anger. Whatever emotion he may feel is fine, just watch nothing goes to an extreme. hugs Marie.
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09-05-2012 12:09 #7Senior Member
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I think that just letting him know that you are there to support him in anyway he needs to be and leaving him to grieve is enough.
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09-05-2012 20:26 #8Junior Member
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Keep communicating with him but let him do what he wants. I was in a similar position once. If you're less overt with your expressions of grief then a bunch of teens letting it all pour out can be gagging or overwhelming.
Teens in a heightened emotional group situation can work themselves up into something totally out of proportion. That's pretty normal for them, but if he wants to stay out of it it's really a more mature response he's taking if you think about it. Definitely let him know that you'd like to talk about it if/when he's open to it though.
Absolutely don't take a hard line. Last thing he needs is being told what to do.
09-05-2012 23:41 #9
Thank you so much, your replies have been helpful, he seems abit better this evening and is going to school tomorrow, I agree with the above poster that the overwhelming grief particularly from the girls just makes him want to run and hide, he is very mature for his age and has just turned 15.
The school has organised a memorial on Friday at the site of the accident, he doesnt want to attend this either, Im not sure what I think about having it at the site but if he doesnt want to go I will leave it at that. Again thank you to the people that posted, it has given me some guidance with how to help him with this.
10-05-2012 00:23 #10
I feel for your boy....life as a teenager is hard enough but dealing with the death of friend, a sudden death no less, can be excruciating. I was 16 when a dear friend died in tragic circumstances and it really turned my world upside down.
I did find solace in my fellow students and our close group of friends but looking back I wish I entered some sort of therapy. We were offered counselling but of course at the stage of our youth we baulked at it and rather stuck together and bonded over our grief. To this day I feel that quite a few of us are still trying to deal with issues related to that one day which changed our lives.
I say give him some space to grieve the way he wants and let him know that you are there to support him and to lend an ear if needed. Maybe in the near future, after a year or so, mention some counselling because a neutral person for him to talk to could be beneficial. Sometimes teens can unknowingly suffocate each other with their overwhelming emotions so it may be good for them to talk to someone who can just listen unbiasedly.
All the best x
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