I have been thinking about this for a few months now, but have never been able to work up the courage to tell my story.
Hubby and I tried to have kids for a few years and it wasn't happening the "normal" way so we were advised that IVF would be the way to go. First 4 rounds were unsuccessful, but was lucky on the 5th and 7th attempt. I have two gorgeous kids ages 7 & 6 and one of each boy and girl. My problem is that I have one embryo left. I had to have a hysterectomy after giving birth to my daughter. Both my pregnancies were filled with problems as I had an incompetent cervix, but with my daughter, it was much worse. I spent the first 12 weeks wondering if she would survive as she had not attached properly so they couldn't tell me if I was going to miscarry or not. During that period I had very bad morning sickness and was hospitalised 4 times because my kidneys were affected. After the 12 weeks, I had to start thinking about getting a cervical suture put in so that I didn't lose her (again). That was done at 16 weeks and at 17 weeks, I felt a sharp pain and went to my OB who sent me for an ultrasound. They found a 300ml blood clot under the placenta as the suture had pulled out. I was hospitalised again while my OB checked with the professors at the Womens and with overseas specialists. They didn't know what to do so they all agreed that it would be best not to touch it. They didn't know whether the clot would infect the placenta (or me), if it would burst and the problems it would create, or if I would just lose the baby (again). They wanted me in hospital for the rest of my pregnancy but I missed by little boy so I convinced them to stay at my mums and not do anything. I was on strict bed rest and taking tablets and pessaries to stop going into labour and I had one to two ultrasounds and OB appointments per week. I made it to 30 weeks and then I had gestational diabetes. I saw a dietician but my sugar levels were rising and just as they were organising for me to have insulin shots, my placenta stopped working and my little girl wasn't growing. They managed to get me to 34 weeks and had given me the shots to mature her lungs as she had to be delivered so she was born 6 weeks prem via a caesar.
Both my kids are fine and growing well and no health problems for which I am very grateful, but this is where MY heartache begins. My one remaining embryo.
As my pregnancy with my daughter was very dangerous I was advised not to get pregnant again. As it was, the blood clot totally messed me up internally and I was advised to have a hysterectomy, which I did. All was ok until I get a letter in the mail from Melbourne IVF asking me to decide on what to do with my one remaining embryo. Before we began IVF I felt ok about donating it to science. After all, this is how doctors etc learn. However, after having two children and seeing what an embryo can create, this option is just not something I can live with. The same goes with destroying the embryo. So now I am plagued with guilt about having a hysterectomy. This embryo deserves a chance to survive. I created it and I took away it's option of ever having life. I didn't think it through enough before going ahead with the hysterectomy. My hubby says that I shouldn't feel guilty, that my pregnancies were life threatening and that I couldn't risk another. But as a mum, I see it totally different. I would risk my life in a hearbeat if that embryo survived the thawing process and being implanted with a chance to grow. So this is the decision that I cannot live with - donate to science or destroy the embryo completely. How on earth do I make that kind of decision? How do I tell the kids that I possibly "killed" one of their siblings?
I have also thought about donating the embryo to another couple. I can't bear the thought that I would have a biological child being raised by someone else - my childrens brother or sister. Every day I would wonder if it was ok, if it was healthy, if it was happy. It would be like adopting a child out and forever wondering.
The only option I can live with is surrogacy. I have no one I can ask or anyone who has volunteered so I am left to do this on my own. They have known about my situation for the last 5 years as I had an extension of this period from Melbourne IVF but it expires at the end of the year and I don't think I will get another extension. So I have bared my heart and soul in case I can find someone to help me. I know I only have myself to blame for having a hysterectomy, but if there is any chance anyone is willing to help, please, please contact me.
I know that my embryo may not survive the thaw or the transfer, but I need to at least try. I need to know that I have done all that I can to try and give this embryo a chance at life which it deserves. Should a miracle happen and everything goes well, this child would be a blessed, welcome and loving addition to our family. Someone also pointed out that a surrogate may not want to invest the time in forming a realtionship for just the one embryo that may or may not survive. However, if I don't tell my story, I will never know. I will always wonder "what if".
I have also joined as a member to Surrogacy Sisters in the hope that there is someone that can help me somewhere.
Thanks for reading my story and may you all be blessed to achieve your dreams.
The rest of my story -
Last edited by mybooboo; Today at 04:55.
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02-05-2012 18:06 #1
Hoping for a Surrogate (Victoria)
Last edited by mybooboo; 04-05-2012 at 01:34. Reason: Addition
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03-05-2012 16:08 #2
I am not in Victoria, but I wanted to wish you luck on your journey.
I dont think you are unusual for wanting your last embie to have a chance at life. Your very right, you only have to look at the evidence of your children.
Dont beat yourself up for having a hysterectomy, it sounds like you did what you needed to do. I think most woman who were in the same situation would do the same. You should be applauded for being honest and sharing your story. Im sure there are so many woman out there who feel the same way.
Have you looked into the cost of surrogacy in Victoria?? I dont know if money is an issue for you (or not), but its something to think about.
Good luck on your GS journey, and I hope your wait to find someone is short!
All the best, Aimee xxx
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03-05-2012 21:20 #3
Thanks for your kind words. I know the hysterectomy was not my fault, but I can't help but beat myself up over the "if only's". My children are my everything and I am blessed to have them. It is so heart breaking to read about the so many people aching to have a child and not being able to. My heart goes out to all of them and I really wish them all the luck in the world to achieve their goal of becoming parents.
I guess I wanted to make people aware of my story and opened up so much so that if I can save someone else the heartache of what I am going through, then at least I have achieved something. It is so easy to decide on what to do with embryos prior to seeing what these little cells have the potential of becoming. They are so prescious and discarding one of them becomes very, very difficult. I don't know about others, but I was overwhelmed how strong the love and protectiveness is for your child from the minute you find out that you are pregnant - even though they are still a bunch of cells forming. Nothing else is loved so much without even being seen or touched.
Hubby and I have been married for 23 years (this June) and our firstborn arrived one day after our 15th anniversary. Now, that was some present and hubby has not been able to top that since, lol. Our daughter was born 6 weeks prem but she has been a fighter right from the very beginning. (Just adding in a few extra details which I missed originally).
I really don't know much about the costs involved. I know that the process is quite lengthy and that there are review boards etc which need to approve the surrogacy and why this option is being chosen. I don't know if insurance will cover the costs because I am not the one who is pregnant, but we can work through that. It is only the one embryo and it may not survive the thaw or the implant. Then there will be legal fees and evaluations. I am looking at it that the costs for the pregnancy will be like I am the one going through that and the additional fees will be "all the rest". If anyone knows any more about the costs, I would be grateful for any advice.
I suppose the biggest issue is if there is anyone out there who would be willing to give it a go for just the one embryo, or if my situation touches someone in a way that they would be willing to help. The surrogates invest so much of themselves in what they do for others, that I understand if they do not want to go through all of that for one embryo. The way I see it, even if we are disappointed in the outcome, I hope to make a lifelong friend. How is it possible to say thank you to someone who is willing to try despite the outcome?
I have the greatest respect and admiration for all the women who are surrogates, donate eggs and help people in any way to achieve their dream. You are our angels and without you, we couldn't even dare to dream that a baby could actually become a reality. I hope to find my own special angel.
Thank you again Aimee. X
08-05-2012 17:37 #4
I have taken another step and signed up to a surrogacy site. I don't know what the outcome will be, but I need to at least try.
Does anyone know a ball park figure for surrogacy in Victoria? Thousands, tens of thousands??? I know a lot of factors come into this, but at this stage, I have no idea.
15-05-2012 09:46 #5Junior Member
- Join Date
- Apr 2012
You and your husband sound like you've gone through some very trying times and have been blessed with two beautiful children. Good luck on your journey as well - it's one thing to go through the process as a family, and involving another family will certainly make things interesting.
17-05-2012 12:23 #6
Kenneth, this is only a fraction of the story. There was a LOT more to it, but I would have to write a book lol.
Yes, if we were lucky enough to find a surrogate, things certainly would be interesting. I don't have a sister, so maybe I can have one this way. I believe that if we were to find a lady, she (and her family) would play a special part in our lives afterwards as well. It takes a very special someone to volunteer for this.
We will keep looking and if it is meant to be, then it will.
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