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  1. #1
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    Default Any Mums Looking for Support

    This area has been quiet for a while but if anyone on BH has had to interrupt their pregnancy and you need support there is a lovely group of us on here who can support you. Just post in here or send me a PM, we are around just like to be private xx

  2. The Following User Says Thank You to Bluemoon82 For This Useful Post:

    ja78  (08-05-2012)

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    Am here too

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    ja78  (08-05-2012)

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    I'm here too!

  6. #4
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    almai is offline "you never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have."
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    i wasn't sure whether to write or not but i love that everyone on BH are so supportive, and i could really do with some of that right now. no one in my life really understands the pain i went through 5 years ago that continues even today.

    i was pregnant at age 19 (a very much wanted pregnancy) and i did everything right, took elevit, ate right, went to every doctor appointment etc. at my 12 week scan, the nurse suspected something wrong which started the downhill slide of endless testing, scans and countless tears. my (ex)partner and i were told our baby had an omphalocele (a birth defect in which the infant's intestine or other abdominal organs stick out of an opening in the stomach) which is usually repairable by surgery.
    but it was shown that it could not be repaired as it included the heart and lungs which meant he wouldn't be able to breath on his own, ever, even with surgery. he was also shown to have excess fluid around the neck, but had completely normal chromosomes.
    the dr's told us we could wait for our baby to die on his own, if he did make it full term, he would be born but never breathe, or we could terminate now.
    i had some counselling and due to my previous depression and the mounting problems with my baby, the counsellor and dr talked me into having an early termination (at 16 weeks).
    after 3 days of knowing it was all ending, i went to hospital and after a day of medication, went through 6 hours of labour, where the nurses told me 'my screaming and hyperventilating was only making it worse for myself'.... i was going through the most painful, physically and emotionally, time of my life, but sorry for all the crying!
    after my baby was born, i asked to see him and the nurse said "remember at this early stage, the skin is see through etc etc and oh, ummm.. your baby has 4 legs".... straight away i looked at her and said 'twins!?'
    it was discovered that in fact, i actually had conjoined twin boys and that the omphalocele, was not an omphalocele, but my baby's brother who loved him so much, he couldn't let go. i held them for hours. numb from pain but feeling endless love for my helpless sleeping miracles. we had chosen 'Max' as our baby's name and now had to think of another name... which we chose 'Igor'
    i screamed at the dr who had got it wrong and i asked if i had left everything to nature, would Max at least have been able to be saved? i wanted to know why this had happened and if i was going to have problems in the future. we decided to have an autopsy (which was an extremely hard decision) and were told, due to the entanglement of Max and Igor's internal organs and the displacement of Max's heart, they were not compatible with life, even with surgery.
    over 5 years on and i still regret the decision i made back then. i know that i did what i thought was right at the time, but i still always wonder what would have, could have happened if i hadn't gone through with the termination.
    after i lost my boys, my relationship quickly failed and i went into a deep depression. i had had a really hard time in my teens (but thats for another novel) and now here i was more alone and broken than i had ever felt.
    at that moment i decided to change my life for the better, and be the best person i could be, to prove i was a worthy mother for any future children. crying wouldn't bring them back and i was SICK of being SO SAD all the time.
    looking back, i know that everything happens for a reason and that my boys came to me in a very bad time of my life and for a brief moment, showed me how absolutely wonderful life can be. they made me look at myself and what was important and i thank them for everything they did and do. i love them so much and a part of me still desperately wishes they were here with me today, not only in my heart.

    these days, i am living with my beautiful (female) fiancee of 4 and a 1/2 years. we have just sold our house and have bought a more family friendly one. i have worked hard and set up a good career for myself and now live a healthy life. earlier this year we started the fertility assistance route and have chosen IUDI. our little american simmers have arrived this week and once the cooling off period is over (in august 2012) we will be ready to go.

    about 2 weeks after we decided that this was the year, my necklace that i have worn everyday for 5 years (containing some of my babies ashes) broke and instead of fixing the chain, i automatically put it on their shrine. a week later i realised what i had done and thought it was have been a sign that they, and i was ready to move on.

    i am so excited for everything to start now that we are both finically and emotionally stable, but i am starting to worry about problems that MAY happen. i know i shouldn't. i'v been told, it was a freak of nature that things went wrong before, iv been tested for everything under the sun and am perfectly healthy and chromosomally fine, (although now my FS has indicated that there is a SLIGHT chance i have PCOS) but my worries are still there. then i worry that my worrying will start to affect my body and prevent me from even getting pregnant which causes me to worry more. then i miss my boys and start to go through the grief of loosing them all over again. it feels like an endless cycle of happy, worry, grief, happy, worry, grief....

    my partner is very supportive and where words can not do justice, she is always there with a kind smile or a hug.
    i guess its just hard because i don't know anyone in real life who has gone through something like this and although i know i'm not alone, i feel like no one really understands.
    my ex, although we are friends and on good talking terms, is still upset over the 2 of us breaking up and is jealous i have moved on and am now trying for another baby, (and to be honest, i would feel funny if he had started trying for a baby before me). i feel like i need that contact though, because he was the only other person who knew OUR loss, but i can't talk about my now TTC and the worries with that etc as it is hurtful to him.
    and my friends and family just say, it wasn't the right time, your still young or, you will be happy when the next one comes along etc etc. no one has ever said, 'i'm sorry for your loss' they almost don't even realise i lost a baby, well 2 babies.

    i find talking about it allows me to get it out of my head, stops me from going crazy, and perhaps, my story can show others they are not alone?

    i want to be able to feel excited for my upcoming TTC without feeling guilty for being happy. and i want to stop worrying!

    Max and Igor forever in my heart.

    -almai-

    (almai927 = Ashlea Loves Max And Igor. born 09.02.07)

  7. #5
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    Thanks so much for sharing almai, what a heartbreaking experience. There is plenty of support on the hub from mothers who have experienced similiar and I know form personal experience only they can truly understand the emotions and hurt invovled.

    Happy to listen if you ever need to chat about your boys

  8. #6
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    thanks for sharing your story how heartbreaking for you

    best wishes for the future

  9. #7
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    Thank you for sharing your touching story... I imagine it would be terrible, have you heard of SANDS... Google it, might be some good support moving forward! :-)


    FIRST CYCLE FEB/MAR 2012
    IVF ICSI ANTAGONIST
    BFP - but sadly miscarried @ 6 weeks.....

  10. #8
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    Default Any Mums Looking for Support

    Unfortunately wasn't good news when I went back today. Hcg wasn't up very much, and scan showed thickened uterus wall with nothing in it, they call it a pregnancy in a unknown area. So now have to let nature take its course or they will do a forced mc.

  11. #9
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    Default Any Mums Looking for Support

    Sorry forgot to say. I'm 5.5 today. Started spotting on Saturday and had bloods and scan then and nothing was really known. Till today


 

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