I'd try talking it out as much as possible but regardkess if his final opinion, I'd be getting the test done anyway. Like a PP mentioned, who is going to have to provide the majority of the care for this child, I'm guessing not him.
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02-05-2012 08:21 #31
02-05-2012 09:04 #32
I agree with the arguments that it is your body, you will be the one looking after the child, and you will be looking after the child as an adult as most mothers do if a child is born with a disability.
Choosing to have a disabled and/or suffering child is a very serious matter.
So, there is a responsibility to the foetus at this time which outweighs your responsibility to your husband.
But there is also a responsibility to yourself which outweighs that owed to your husband and the foetus.
But today you are just talking about taking a test. You don't need to worry about the results until you have got them. So, this is a choice about having those results now or later at the birth, OR another way of looking at it is confronting your fear now or later.
There is nothing wrong or bad about seeking information, it enables you to make better decisions, gives you a sense of control that reduces stress. And for this reason alone, reducing stress during pregnancy, tell your husband you need to have the testing done. The second and third reasons are to be able to enjoy your pregnancy and bond with your baby in utero. I believe these three reasons are important enough to justify having the testing - without the consideration of 'what if'.
I would have the test without my DH's knowledge if it meant looking after myself, the pregnancy, the foetus as an individual, current or future children, and to spare him the emotional turmoil. Sometimes women get the hard jobs.
Last edited by Pru40; 02-05-2012 at 09:12.
02-05-2012 11:31 #33
You all mighten like what i have to say...I didnt have the test done when i was pregnant with my twins..We both said what will be will be after the the money we had spent to get pregnant...One of my twins ended up with DOWN SYNDROME and we love her as much as her sister or my other children if anything we love her MORE....The day we found out the DRs told us that they have known of women to go to have their babies and been told that they were going to have a DOWN SYNDROME child and it turned out that the child didnt have DOWN SYNDROME at all...So please think hard about it.THey are no different to any other child if anything the are more loveable and cuddly childern.
02-05-2012 12:08 #34
I agree with a lot of what you said tired, and I also wouldn't abort a child with DS. While I don't have experience with DS I do know many women on here that say their special children have brought so much love to their lives. The issue of the tests being wrong is another issue that really worries me.
But everyone is different. The OP has said she couldn't cope. Maybe, given that life she would cope. Maybe she wouldn't I don't think anyone knows until they are faced with the situation. I don't think the OP means children with DS are less, just that she's not sure she could cope.
But she has asked for feedback and you are entitled to that
02-05-2012 12:31 #35Member
- Join Date
- Apr 2012
All I will say is that it's your body and your decision.
02-05-2012 12:35 #36
Just for the sake of making sure people are not misinformed, a nuchal scan gives you a risk analysis so its by no means diagnostic. However an amnio is a 100% accurate test, if you get told your baby has DS or any other chromosomal abnormality after an amnio it's accurate.
Good luck OP it's a tough situation when you have different ideas about the care and planning for your baby. I've said it many times before on BH as have PP, the nuchal scan is not just looking for DS, they also look at the developing baby and for other abnormal markers. It's not just about whether or not you would terminate if something is wrong it is also being in a position to plan the best ongoing care for you and your baby if something is wrong.
02-05-2012 14:07 #37
Are you talking about amniocentesis? I would never get that done because of the risk of miscarriage.
Sounds like you need to sit down and have a really good talk with your dh.
02-05-2012 14:50 #38Child led parent here...save me :)
- Join Date
- Feb 2010
You have a right to do what you need to do, is there anyway you personally could find out the results and not tell him? Obviously it would be hard to hide it if you had a high %. Personally I will always get it not because it would change the way I felt about the bub but so I had time to prepare emotionally and mentally as much as you can and to read up on things. I know nothing can prepare you but that is just what would be best for me. On another note there are many things that we dont test that our babies can be affected by, not that I want you to worry about those to but sometimes offering the screening creates fear IMO.
02-05-2012 15:00 #39-
- Join Date
- Jan 2012
I didn't think the OP was talking about the amnio, but if she was, I'd change my answer. I couldn't get that done if DH wasn't agreeing to it as there is a small chance that the amnio can cause a miscarriage.
I was talking about the nuchal scan etc done round 12 weeks along with a blood test.
02-05-2012 15:17 #40
The problem is this. The OP has already said that she would want to terminate if she got a positive (or high risk) result.
So what happens if the result is not what is wanted?
Do you then go on to terminate the pregnancy and lie to your partner about what happened? Do you tell him that you want to terminate but not say why? Do you tell him you went behind his back and found out and now you want to terminate? Or do you tell him that you went behind his back, you're having a high risk pregnancy but you still want to keep the baby?
I suspect that's not going to go down well.
As much as I understand your motivation, I can see this only ending badly if you aren't a united couple on this. You don't have to agree with each other, but you have to have a united decision and support each other in it. If that hasn't or can't happen then the situation is going to be messy at best.
I do NOT recommend going behind his back. Sure, everything's probably fine.
But if it's not?..
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