Tell me- does anyone elses DH/DP drive them totally crazy
Dh and I hardly ever fight but we are currently in the middle of a doozy fight. We have an appt with FS tomorrow and I asked "what questions do you have for the dr?"
"none" was his response.
Me: really, so you have done no research on new techniques or tests?
Dh: no, thats what we are paying FS for.
Grrr it makes me so freakin mad that he would give total control over wether we have a child or not to someone else. Yes they are the experts but they are also human and make mistakes. He thinks that throwing money at the problem will fix it, well it hasn't worked for almost 6 years, why would that work now. We also need to have some input into what happens to our bodies. What do you think?
I think I am really starting to resent that I do everything. Yes he tries to be supportive but really all he has to do is *** in a cup. I do all the research and ask all the questions, have all the injections and procedures. I am even thinking of splitting with him so I can do donor sperm by myself and then I only have to think about me- maybe I am just being dramatic?
Sorry about my rant. I really don't have anyone to talk to about it and am still fuming.
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22-04-2012 18:57 #1
DH driving me CRAZY!!
22-04-2012 19:15 #2
Firstly sorry you're feeling upset. I had a couple of weeks of being mega ****ed off with my DH for the same reasons. I felt like I was doing this all by myself (I have PCOS so I see a FS quite a lot) and was upset that he didn't even know what cycle day I was on or when my next blood test was etc. I was chatting to a mate and saying all this and she said her partner almost never asks how her baby is (she is due next month) so I think it is partly a boy thing. My mate said that women become mothers even before they get pregnant but with men it's different, they only become fathers once the baby arrives. This is just one opinion of course but the point is, it's a much more emotional journey for us, as we do carry the baby for 9 months unlike men who basically just do the deed and that's their part done! I hope this is helpful, I'm sorry if it's not, but know that you're not alone in the way you feel! Hugs
22-04-2012 20:11 #3
Oh yeah, I hear you sister. We've had so many fights leading up to each cycle and threatened divorce, and yep even the donor sperm bit. I think a lot of it is stress, makes you uptight etc. and him unsympathetic. Men tends to "shut it out" to cope, whereas women tends to "frantically do things" to cope.
Vent away here and find a group of supportive women who can sympathise with you. You won't get much from the men folk (OK generalising but it's true).
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22-04-2012 21:29 #4
Just sending hugs xx
I'm only early stages of treatment with clomid for PCOS but already my DP gets frustrated with me being emotional and crying and says just have to play the hand your dealt, no point getting upset!!
They just don't get it, it's just guys. I think too they feel a bit helpless, they hate seeing us miserable and don't know what they can do to make it better even though most of time I'd be happy with a hug and some kind reassurance rather than being cross that I'm crying AGAIN.
Take care Hun
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22-04-2012 21:43 #5Senior Member
- Join Date
- Jun 2008
We always fight when cycling. And they are horrid. My dh did not even attend appointment with me cause all he did was sit there. I even went to tf alone lol but we have a wonderful loving relationship at all other times. (going through 16 cycles together you would hope so!) I was the proactive one as I guess the procedures were effective to me directly. Iykwim. Men just think they have to produce the good and the rest is up to us.
Sending you strength.
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23-04-2012 02:20 #6Senior Member
- Join Date
- Sep 2008
my DH was often the same....it was ME with the fertility problem and it often felt like me who beared the load, did all the work and carried the guilt of a failed cycle....we had so many fights and i complained that my dh NEVER asked about BT results, dildo cams results and often had no idea that i even had an appt.....ivf was isolating enuf running around b4 work to get to appts and then when your DH cant even remember u had an appt makes it worse....after i had a go in a counsellking session he did get better at asking.....i think many men just struggle with dealing with physical health issues (hence often dont go to dcotors etc in normal life). my DH had the gall to not want to try for a second ivf baby too cos "it was so hard the first time"....hello i thought the same thing um all u did was *** in a cup ffs....i also thought well screwwww u i'll use donor sperm!!! ivf is hard and the joirney is made easier when both are supportive but men can be infuriating during the process....us girls really bear the brunt of the "treatment".....biology has a lot to answer for . all i can say is my DH never responded to my anger whilst doing ivf....he was better if i cried (but not too much either ) and it was better if i could calmly "request" more involvement from him (easier said than done when ur pumped full of drugs i know.....).
23-04-2012 02:42 #7
Omg it's so common. I used to feel like I was making a baby with the specialist. It's tough. I promise the gear shifts when you fall pg and have a bub.
Please use the counsellor at your clinic to discuss ways to keep your marriage intimate and loving.
There is nothing romantic about ivf treatment.
Also try to embrace the funny times of the treatment and dispense the rest. I know it's tough but seriously you need to stay in good balance for success.
Go borrow funny movies, books etc to keep u from going tropo during the tww. Put the treatment in the background so to speak.
I know how you feel my DH never used to come to one appointment, he would just turn up on donation day. He just didn't feel he needed to be there.
Now we are expecting again and he is a very attentive living switched on partner. It's weird.
23-04-2012 06:49 #8
I was upset one day and all DH had to say was that I should be grateful for x, y and z. I know this and I am incredibly grateful for everything else but I had to explain that despite that it still makes me sad
23-04-2012 17:51 #9
He is preparing for being a daddy! eg: no clue of your child's friends names, child's favourite things, when parent teacher interviews are booked for etc etc
Oh and BTW what did you buy his mother for mother's day?
On a more serious note... I think men find infertility rather overwhelming and perhaps emasculinating. After all, maybe his mate just popped out another kid? Men in general don't seem to like not being able to fix things. By looking for every small detail they would have to really face their feelings about the whole infertility issue. Perhaps he finds it too much? Either that or The Big Bang Theory is just a whole lot more interesting than surfing the net for new research the way we women do?
23-04-2012 17:59 #10
Hi girls, I just wanted to say I am sorry your dhs are not being supportive enough. It is not an easy journey. I am lucky to have a very supportive dh. He comes to all appointments, except bt. Then we go and get lunch together, it makes the appointments a bit more special. We also try to go out for dinner once a fortnight.
He is quite funny at appointments at times, and often jokes that hopefully the dr just got his wife pregnant.
Dont get me wrong, we have our moments, when I am cranky and hormonal and we argue, but finding little things to do together such as lunch after appointments, can make a big difference in the journey.
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