I found out a couple of days ago that my DH has been trying to start up affairs and if I'm honest to myself has probably had several affairs since the early days as I have ignored my instincts for quite some time now. I've decided I've had enough and don't want to put up with him anymore as he also has an anger problem and is very selfish. I feel so gutted right now. I can't eat or sleep. I have no idea what to do now or how to go about setting myself and the kids up on our own. Does anyone have any advice on what the first step is? It's all feeling a little too much right now.
To make matters worse tonight we were meant to talk about the situation but he has decided to go out all day and night to party instead. Makes me feel like I never mattered to him at all
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22-04-2012 03:18 #1
What next? Feeling overwhelmed and lost
22-04-2012 03:33 #2
I am so sorry you are going through this. I haven't been there myself but a good thing in amongst all the fog is to put a plan into action by writing down what needs to be done. Then decide on ways it can be achieved.
So if you are going to kick him out, get a locksmith in. If you are going to move out into a new place find the money and place etc.
If you over think things it will create blurriness. When it starts be aware and stop it. One foot forward at a time.
Save tears for when the kids are in bed.
Maybe write him a letter.
I am so sorry this is happening. Life is crap sometimes. You have to believe this situation will lead to better outcomes for u in the future.
I am sorry to gate crash thread didn't want to leave you by yourself when you are in need.
22-04-2012 04:04 #3
Thank you so much for replying. I'm feeling so alone right now and it actually feels comforting to hear some kind thoughtful words so thank you again!!!
I think your right about overthinking things as I'm doing my head in. I'll write a list of things tomorrow and tackle one thing at a time.
22-04-2012 04:41 #4
Try get some sleep. Have a warm milo and think some nice thoughts of where u want to be in a year from now.
22-04-2012 13:51 #5
I agree with the earlier post- the first couple of decisions involve who's going? If you want to stay and he won't leave then yes a locksmith's a good idea. Some of it might depend on whether the house is rented or not. If its under mortgage it really doesn't matter either way as that asset will be dealt with later. If you're renting make sure you let the landlord know you've split and who's staying so they can alter the lease agreement.
Are you working? DO you have any income to support you and the kids? You'll need to contact Centrelink for income support. One thing I'd suggest is opening up a whole new bank account with a different bank that he doesn't know about. If you do get FTB already have it redirected into the new bank account. Centrelink can refer you to other agencies for different kinds of help; crisis counselling often helps in this situation. I went and saw a lovely lady at Relationships Australia when I separated from my ex.
22-04-2012 15:21 #6
I'm section crashing a bit and just wanted to offer some hugs.
Try writing everything down that you are feeling, plans etc. I like the PC personally. You can edit the heck out of it. Hopefully through that process you can come up with a way forward.
22-04-2012 15:27 #7
If he has an anger problem, are you concerned for your safety when you tell him? Perhaps have a plan in place to keep yourself and your children safe, such as having someone with you.
Otherwise I second what the others have said - make sure you have your own bank account, get as much money together as you can, talk to Centrelink, make sure you take copies of all important documents such as bank statements, birth certificates, passports, details of assets etc.
Good luck, things will definitely get better once you are out
22-04-2012 21:36 #8
Thank you so much ladies for all your advice and support. I've just gone back to work part time after maternity leave so have only just started to earn my own money again. I don't know how it all works with centrelink but do I just call and make an appointment? Will I need a lawyer? We have a mortgage and I'm not sure how it all gets divided. It's all very new territory. I still can't believe a week ago I was planning our children's birthday party which was to be had at home and this week I don't even know where home will be in the future. I just feel like crap right now. We still need to talk but I think he knows where I stand. I don't know why but even though I should be mad I can't help but feel sorry and responsible for him. Im crazy I know.
23-04-2012 01:28 #9
Make an appointment with legal aid. Write all your questions down. Open up a new account for your money to go into if it's joint. If you are in a family home, kick his butt out, as nicely as possible, ask legal aid how to do this. Photocopy paperwork before you tell him, like his superannuation, bank account amounts, house valuations, amount owing on mortgage etc.
Get a centre link appointment.
Keep planning party like normal. The kids need happy times.
You feel responsible for him coz you have probably mothered him for a long time, tolerating unacceptable behaviour and then wearing the blame for it. It's called abuse.
You r doing good. One step at a time.
23-04-2012 18:56 #10
I've been thinking about what you said all day and I think your right. It's been such a vicious cycle but even though I know I should feel angry I still just feel bad about myself. I think I'm going to need to see a counsellor about this as i know it's not healthy.
He left tonight. I still can't believe this is all happening. I'm honestly still in shock. I feel so sad for the kids and I don't know what to tell my oldest DS who is almost 4.
I'm going to call centrelink tomorrow as I couldn't get through tonight and hopefully set up a new bank account on my day off. I hate all of this!!
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